tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83361703700544036912024-03-05T22:56:46.491-07:00Amberlee's StoryBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.comBlogger104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-68271862079819806102014-06-11T21:47:00.000-07:002014-06-11T21:48:44.501-07:00Five minus One equals Seven<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOxqSOESHMKmAb4rPQ4TY4siqqX-xRTOt8g8XZP6YTWGk8AdG7IcVXMXbuaDlDjcHAYDzNsGiiSlLN8djtJn2xehIaNTgGhD5uhbcq1f9TnZW-nrYPj-5z8PlBMchNNDKtXnMSmzqttC4/s1600/Five+minus+One+equals+Seven.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOxqSOESHMKmAb4rPQ4TY4siqqX-xRTOt8g8XZP6YTWGk8AdG7IcVXMXbuaDlDjcHAYDzNsGiiSlLN8djtJn2xehIaNTgGhD5uhbcq1f9TnZW-nrYPj-5z8PlBMchNNDKtXnMSmzqttC4/s1600/Five+minus+One+equals+Seven.jpg" height="640" width="457" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wrote this the other day. I was going to bed and it was in my mind.<br />
I made notes and edited it a couple days later. =)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-12817403963960877672012-12-15T12:43:00.002-07:002012-12-15T12:43:34.676-07:00RAOK: After Tragedy Spread JOY!Yesterday's events when 20 people were killed at a school in Connecticut, and 22 children were stabbed in China, well they really hit me. I can absorb and feel all of the pain for those families. I know personally HOW they will feel for the rest of their lives, I am just 5 years ahead of them. <br />
<br />
It affected me as it did many other people. I just can't comprehend why anyone would ever feel it was a good choice to take their own life, let alone anyone else's life, and unimaginably multiple persons' lives. I cannot wrap my head around why or how someone gets to THAT point.<br />
<br />
Thinking about these events really eats at me and brings me down. Reading them in my Facebook news feed just destroyed my day, as sadness seems to spread like wildfire, and far easier than happiness does. (this following one of the most amazing experiences of my life in the wee hours that very same morning)<br />
<br />
So today a friend suggested we all do nice things for others to bring Joy back today and to heal some of the pain every one of us is feeling. So I decided to start the day with RAOK.<br />
<br />
Our family got dressed and went out. The first thing we did was to tell our server at Denny's that we planned on paying for someone else's order. Her manager and her carefully and respectfully chose a family with a new baby, and we picked up their tab. Leaving a MISS RAOK card behind, so they knew about our daughter, and why we specifically chose today as a day to do this. We felt the blessings and Joy as we left the restaurant.<br />
<br />
Well time was running out. Because you know, we are moving, and I am HUGE procrastinator, so we decided to just randomly choose to pay for people's drinks/food at Maverick. One by one, as we felt it, we jumped in front of people and paid their tab. Some noticed right away and were grateful. Others were shocked, still trying to pay for their own things, confused, and then they quizzically thanked us. <br />
<br />
The last person was buying Cheetos. I couldn't help but think, if Amberlee was with us, I would be sharing those with her this weekend, as they are my favorite. So I jumped in front and paid for this sweet girls Cheetos. <br />
<br />
As we entered our home, I felt the rush, and I felt the adrenaline of having done so many fun acts of kindness for others. But most of all I feel JOY. The pain of yesterday is sufficed for a moment. If only it were so easy to help those families that lost their babies and family members, unimaginably, yesterday. I am certain they woke up this morning wondering if it was a dream, and wondering if waking up on this busy holiday day, everything might have stopped and paused for them to try to grip their reality. But the world doesn't stop. <br />
<br />
We may have all paused and we may have a constant prayer in our heart for all of those families. I hope they know that their babies are hugging them, even if they cannot see them. I hope they can find their way back to JOY and one day, share in the joy and blessings that will come from the worst day of their lives. I know that will be a long time from now, but it is my prayer that they find their way to happiness, on their own time.<br />
<br />
Prayers,<br />
BethBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-19719034985252889672012-09-04T09:26:00.001-07:002012-09-04T09:28:19.752-07:00Milestone: NOT Starting Kindergarten<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today Amberlee would have started Kindergarten. I tried to avoid thinking about it while buying school supplies and clothes, and through it all I suppressed my feelings. Then, at 7:06 am I looked at the clock, realized what today is, and I started bawling. <br />
<br />
It is challenging having other children so excited about starting School, and I want to give them my energy, but today I couldn't because deep down I feel robbed. I kept crying in my room and trying to hide it from the kids. When they asked why I was crying, I said I'm not, my eyes were tearing because I am sick. I probably shouldn't lie to them, but this is an exciting day for them, and I really don't want to take that away.<br />
<br />
This morning seemed to become sadder and more depressing as we got ready for school. I took the girls school pictures, w/o my angel in them (tears). I did their hair, but not Amberlee's. They all packed their bags, and she didn't. Then something changed, and sadness turned somewhat happy. As we were walking down the stairs to the car I noticed a rainbow in the most random of places. It was reflected onto our stair rail...as if Amberlee was there with us when we left for school.<br />
<br />
The miracles did not stop there. Somehow I mustered the strength to keep it together most the way to school. (HUGE miracle). I did cry a little at Emma & Lindee's school, but they didn't notice. As we pulled up to the school Amberlee would be starting at, Kyle's Brother and his wife were getting out of their car. Their son is in the same class as Camille this year. I waved them over, and I realized they might not quite understand why, but Kevin came over. He understood right away, and he and Denise took Camille into her classroom. CRISIS AVERTED. <br />
<br />
I cannot express how grateful I am that they were right there at that exact moment to shield me from the pain and embarrassment of flowing tears on the first day of school. I didn't want to explain to people. I didn't want them to wonder. It all went smoothly. Miracle.<br />
<br />
So I am sitting here listening to music and crying and typing. Mostly avoiding life. I long for my daughter to be here and to have started school today. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #674ea7;">I can't imagine how she would look and I think that is the most difficult part. I can't imagine the excitement I would feel for her, because I just don't want it to hurt thinking about all that I am missing.</span><br />
<br />
I am so grateful that milestones don't come around very often at this point. This is a huge milestone though. The best comfort I have is that wherever Amberlee is right now, I am certain she knows more than I could ever learn in this life. I am excited for her to teach me WHY one day. For now, I just need to Let it be. But if I cry a few tears along the way, I think that's ok; because my child is dead and I am spending a lifetime without knowing who she would be. It's a LONGing that I could never explain to someone that hasn't experienced this type of pain.<br />
<br />
My angel is with me everyday. I see her in my children's laughter, and I feel her on every single car ride and family vacation. I often ask the kids, is someone missing, and then I realize; ALWAYS. I think overall, I do a pretty good job of LIVING despite the trials I face as a bereaved parent. But today, I just want to cry.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-60098984956642260942012-06-29T08:11:00.000-07:002012-06-29T08:22:20.643-07:00101 Lessons Learned: 5th Anniversary since Amberlee's Death<br />
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1.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 1. </span>The world goes on and wants you to forget.</div>
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2.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 2, </span>You won’t forget and at moments you won’t move
on.</div>
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3.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 3. </span>I’ve learned what a TRUE friend is.</div>
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4.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 4. </span>People don’t want me to speak about my dead
daughter.</div>
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5.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 5. </span>Amberlee is forever my daughter.</div>
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6.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 6. </span>One’s minimal uncomfortability with hearing
about my dead daughter is about 1,000,000,000<sup>th</sup> less painful than me
living with it- so I don’t mind sharing her.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
7.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 7. </span>The best people I know, know true compassion and
show it with their hearts, empathy.</div>
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8.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 8. </span>The very best people I know have also lost a
child and see the world differently. We
call them MISSisters.</div>
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9.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 9. </span>No matter how your child dies you feel guilt.</div>
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10.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 10. </span>I believe in angels.</div>
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11.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 11. </span>I’ve felt my daughter’s spirit, it’s sacred, and
I don’t always share those memories.</div>
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12.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 12. </span>People who lose a child often see a symbol
associated with their child that frequents them and comforts them.</div>
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13.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 13. </span>Our symbol is a rainbow. The first year after Amberlee’s death we saw
rainbows every time our family was together.</div>
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14.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 14. </span>Losing a baby changes your life, just like the
commercials say, having a baby changes your life.</div>
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15.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 15. </span>I no longer fear death.</div>
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16.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 16. </span>I no longer care what other people think, at
least not all of the time, I am human after all.</div>
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17.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 17. </span>There is an actual physical response to death
that makes eating physically impossible.</div>
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18.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 18. </span>No matter how much you cry- you won’t run out of
tears.</div>
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19.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 19. </span>I have a love/hate relationship with Cemeteries.</div>
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20.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 20. </span>I don’t know what I want you to do. I just want you to do it, and take away some
of the pain.</div>
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21.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 21. </span>Children’s Hospitals are filled with
angels. <a href="http://www.phoenixchildrens.com/">http://www.phoenixchildrens.com/</a></div>
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22.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 22. </span>Rainbow Baby: a child born to a parent that has
lost a child.</div>
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23.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 23. </span>Rainbow babies have amazing spirits and hearts.</div>
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24.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 24. </span>Children move forward from death faster than
adults.</div>
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25.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 25. </span>Music is the best healer of all.</div>
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26.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 26. </span>Memories fade but I can still smell and feel
Amberlee.</div>
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27.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 27. </span>Contrary to my desires (after she died) the sun
will rise again.</div>
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28.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 28. </span>***Losing a child is not a marriage death
sentence.</div>
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29.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 29. </span>Blessings happen after losing a child. Those blessing more than make up for the pain
one feels.</div>
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30.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 30. </span>Video graphic recall of my child’s death plays
back in perfect detail in my mind- this forces me to re-live those events.</div>
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31.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 31. </span>I don’t want to recall those events; I try to
stop them immediately.</div>
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32.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 32. </span>***MEDICATION DOES NOT HELP- IT ACTUALLY WORSENS
THE PAIN. <a href="https://www.facebook.com/notes/joanne-cacciatore/more-than-65000-grievers-must-be-heard-and-should-be-heeded-by-allen-frances-md-/10150583512341854">https://www.facebook.com/notes/joanne-cacciatore/more-than-65000-grievers-must-be-heard-and-should-be-heeded-by-allen-frances-md-/10150583512341854</a></div>
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33.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 33. </span>Having another child does not and cannot replace
my lost child. NOR was that our
intention.</div>
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34.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 34. </span>I am not immune to losing another child and that
fear is worsened now.</div>
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35.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 35. </span>Flowers are beautiful.</div>
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36.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 36. </span>Nature is an amazing gift.</div>
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37.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 37. </span>Funeral directors, funeral florist, etc. have
incredible knowledge and heart to do what they do.</div>
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38.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 38. </span>Cemetery sales people are liken to the DEVIL
especially if they work for “Dignity”. <a href="http://www.dignitymemorial.com/dm20/en_US/main/dm/index.page">http://www.dignitymemorial.com/dm20/en_US/main/dm/index.page</a></div>
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39.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 39. </span>***Always CHECK EVERY CAR!!!!</div>
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40.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 40. </span>MISS foundation is the most important tool to
helping families live through grief.
DONATE TO THEM, please; and save a family’s life. <a href="http://www.missfoundation.org/">http://www.missfoundation.org/</a></div>
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41.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 41. </span>You can bury your child with a teddy bear.</div>
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42.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 42. </span>Many, Many, Many, people lose children to
death. Sincerely comfort them and help
them through. Comfort with your heart
not your head.</div>
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43.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 43. </span>I have heard/felt/ and even SEEN Jesus.</div>
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44.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 44. </span>Family is more important than the rest of life.</div>
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45.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 45. </span>The Mormon Temple’s are filled with angels.</div>
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46.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 46. </span>Blogging heals a soul, and so does journaling,
they are the same.</div>
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47.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 47. </span>It’s not comforting when someone says, at least
you have other children, and you need to care for them. SERIOUSLY!?!?!?</div>
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48.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 48. </span>Volunteering brings more joy especially when
sacrifice is involved.</div>
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49.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 49. </span>There are volunteer photographers all over the country
that will create a special moment to remember your child if he/she is dying or
dead. They use both pictures and
video. You can also Donate to them. <a href="http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/">http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/</a></div>
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50.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 50. </span>You won’t initially want those pictures, but
later they will be an irreplaceable treasure.</div>
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51.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 51. </span>Nobody can comfort a bereaved parent more than
another bereaved parent.</div>
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52.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 52. </span>There is no word for a parent that loses a
child.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
53.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 53. </span>One day you will want the sun to shine again.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
54.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 54. </span>For the first year a mother remembers the dates
(birth & death) monthly, after that EVERY YEAR.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
55.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 55. </span>All of those “things” you had for your baby don’t
magically disappear when he/she dies.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
56.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 56. </span>You get six weeks off work for the birth of your
child but only 10 days for the death of your child. Please vote to change this. <a href="http://www.fmlainsights.com/legislation/fmla-bereavement-act-would-provide-leave-upon-death-of-a-child/">http://www.fmlainsights.com/legislation/fmla-bereavement-act-would-provide-leave-upon-death-of-a-child/</a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
57.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 57. </span>The grief returns fiercely and forces tears at
the slightest trigger.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
58.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 58. </span>A rainbow baby heals some of the open wounds.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
59.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 59. </span>SMILE: especially in pictures. They are your memories.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
60.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 60. </span>LOVE: with all you have.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
61.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 61. </span>CARE: for everyone.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
62.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 62. </span>CRY: if you feel it when it comes, you will be
much better off later.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
63.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 63.</span>If your friend is in bed crying and you climb in
and cry with her, that does not make you a lesbian, it is a deep expression of
love that she will remember forever.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
64.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 64. </span>Rainbows are miracles.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
65.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 65. </span>You have to appreciate your family, you never
know when/what can happen to them.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
66.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 66. </span>The things the world tells you are important,
simply are NOT.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
67.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 67. </span>Money doesn’t solve everything, or anything
really, all it does is pay bills.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
68.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 68. </span>***NEVER JUDGE:
you don’t know their story.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
69.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 69. </span>News is filled with lies & deceit. Don’t base your decisions on media/news.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
70.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 70. </span>Patience and persuasion are more effective than yelling
and screaming.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
71.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 71. </span>Be aware of what your family is doing. Stay close to keep them safe.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
72.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 72. </span>You have two sets of friends; those that
understand, and those that do not. And that is o.k..</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
73.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 73. </span>Fathers feel just as much pain as mothers after
losing a child.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
74.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 74. </span>Grandparents and family hurt too.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
75.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 75. </span>Friends can also suffer from your child’s loss.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
76.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 76. </span>School teachers are angels; they love your
children and are a resource to help when your child dies.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
77.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 77. </span>Parents still celebrate birthdays when their
child dies.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
78.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 78. </span>Parents also observe an angelversary, or the
anniversary of the day their child died.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
79.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 79. </span>***NEVER leave a child alone in a car, FOR ANY
REASON, EVER.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
80.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 80. </span>Grief causes extreme fatigue. You can actually sleep for days or even
weeks.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
81. <span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 81. </span>Mother’s Day & Father’s Day are especially
challenging when your child has died.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
82.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 82. </span>Milestones are remembered and are difficult
moments to pass, when your child would have been: walking, crawling, starting school,
graduating, or getting married.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
83.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 83. </span>There is joy in everything, even loss, find the
blessings that come after death.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
84.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 84. </span>There is a Conference every 2 years for people
that lose children and for their caregivers (i.e.: nurses, doctors, therapist,
or professionals). I highly recommend
it. <a href="http://missfoundation.org/conference/">http://missfoundation.org/conference/</a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
85.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 85. </span>What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…stand a
little taller (OK stop singing now)</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
86.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 86. </span>Immediately after your child is dead, and before
the funeral, you can still hold her and love her. Actually doing this helps in the grief
process.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
87.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 87. </span>Dressing the body of a person that has passed is
filled with love and compassion that are immeasurable.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
88. <span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 88. </span>You learn to appreciate noise, once there is
silence.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
89.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 89. </span>A death certificate takes <u>months</u> to receive
and once received brings on a whole new set of emotions.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
90.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 90. </span>A person that loses a child must find an outlet
to release their grief i.e.: art, music, exercise. That outlet helps with the process.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
91.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 91. </span>Talking about a deceased child also helps with grief.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
92.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 92. </span>Therapy is a good thing.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
93.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 93. </span>It doesn’t matter what you do together with your
family after losing your child, what matters if being together.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
94.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 94. </span>There are angel statues scattered all over the
world that were created by Richard Paul Evans.
They were created to honor deceased children and their families. <a href="http://www.richardpaulevans.com/angel-statues">http://www.richardpaulevans.com/angel-statues</a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
95.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 95. </span>A picture really does tell a story. It’s literally worth a thousand words.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
96.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 96. </span>***TAKE MORE PICTURES!!!</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
97.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 97. </span>A special stuffed animal can help a child that
is grieving over having lost a sibling.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
98.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 98. </span>Children play with angels and refer to them as
their best friends.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
99.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 99. </span>The first week after someone loses a child,
everyone is there and involved. BE THERE
for them to support them after the first week and for the years to come.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
100<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 100. </span>Families are forever!</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
101<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> 101. </span>Life is a gift.</div>
<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-68491246715818642062012-03-30T12:02:00.001-07:002012-03-30T12:02:16.230-07:00Amberlee Turns 5Well this is it. The last of the large milestones, well at least for awhile. This year, on March 22nd Amberlee turned 5. The day was tumultuous. I felt the sting the day before but was blessed by a very good friend that distracted me for the better part of the day. We ate Rainbow Cupcakes, but did not do much otherwise. It was a quiet, easy peaceful day.<br />
<br />
I am not sure where to go from here. Part of me feels that to continually blog dredges out sadness...I need to focus on so many things in my life, while living with this grief. Other parts of me realize that this blog may be helping someone. It may make someone else realize that their pain is not abnormal, that losing a child is horribly sad and life changing.<br />
<br />
I do have to say that I am in a good place. I am not sure why, but Amberlee's death and the circumstances surrounding it do not seem as traumatizing as they once did. Now, I simply miss her. I miss having her here as I see my other children grow and I wonder where she would be. I miss having my family complete and with me. I miss her brown eyes. I have a constant longing and slight ache that I feel nearly every day. Of course I would, she is my daughter and I do not have her here. I no longer feel the need to eliminate friends that don't support my grief. At this stage I could see why they might be concerned if I were to dwell and sob constantly. Having said that, I hope they understand that I still need to remember her.<br />
<br />
There will be days that I talk about my daughter, still. There will be day when I chose to remember, and even comment on Facebook about her. I hope that those who know me, believer that I am healing. But I will always have a place for my daughter in my life.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
BethBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-59980629382957640872011-10-16T20:33:00.002-07:002011-10-16T20:33:27.724-07:00<a href="http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=356769">http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=356769</a><br />
<br />
<br />
This is very well written. My comment on facebook says, "<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">WOW...this article is awesome. Strangely the part about dignity resonated with me. That is what I wanted in the hospital, and somehow we did not get it in the way we wished. It's strange to be on this side of the fence...looking at everybody's worst nightmare, and knowing what it actually feels like, everyday."</span><br />
<br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">What do you think? </span>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-15069828984190746142011-10-12T17:26:00.000-07:002011-10-12T17:26:24.360-07:00If you want to understand...READ THIS<div>
This article tells it like it is, while its hard to read it is brutally honest.</div>
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<a href="http://www.jsonline.com/news/opinion/the-heartache-of-infant-loss-131289299.html">http://www.jsonline.com/news/opinion/the-heartache-of-infant-loss-131289299.html</a></div>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-42000291145260077612011-06-29T08:27:00.003-07:002011-06-29T08:33:42.070-07:004 Years LaterI feel like I am forgetting her.<br />I feel like I am losing her more.<br />But the memories of that day seem very real.<br />Is she just a picture or a photo?<br />I try very hard to block out the bad.<br />I don't want to remember the trauma.<br /><br />And then, suddenly, I remember everything<br />and I even feel her near.<br />All that love and emotion come flooding back.<br />Her smell, her touch, her soul.<br />I inhale deely, because I FEEL HER in my soul.<br /><br />I know she still exists.<br />I know she is near me.<br />I still love her the same.<br /><br />And I can make it through...another year.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-32450172074307858012011-04-03T12:36:00.003-07:002011-04-03T12:51:40.110-07:00Life Changes, more<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM9UVsdl7zR3Nfz235V62jX_eH1UQO3-oSsw4eXv4eO2wCZgIArupinTNBa_ubkbsmgZnycSsVOpdrP59ELuGee2MGC1xfFCqIPzUnZG6CHS6Dt0mWoVnp9ow6eQ4QzQGsCO2dAozRM1s/s1600/christ+in+heaven.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM9UVsdl7zR3Nfz235V62jX_eH1UQO3-oSsw4eXv4eO2wCZgIArupinTNBa_ubkbsmgZnycSsVOpdrP59ELuGee2MGC1xfFCqIPzUnZG6CHS6Dt0mWoVnp9ow6eQ4QzQGsCO2dAozRM1s/s320/christ+in+heaven.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5591445984054101954" border="0" /></a><br />There are times in my life when I start to wonder if heaven is real. I start to wonder if all we work for in this life, leads to nowhere. What happens when we die? It quite frankly scares me beyond belief sometimes to think that one day, there might be darkness and nothing, and my family and friends won't be with me. That is a horrible and sad way to live and it has a way of bringing a person down. Why or how could we maintain such a belief? Even if that is what happened when we die, why live life in misery believing the end is really the end for our spirits?<br /><br />I have struggled with these thoughts lately. And having struggled with them makes me remember the day Amberlee was dying, when I felt her little spirit speak to me and I knew without a doubt it was her. I also think of the days after she passed, when our family sat in her room and she sent each of us a message at the same time. My sister in law Amanda even received the very same message at her home, but she was not with us. How can you explain this? If Amberlee did not still exist, how can we explain that she spoke to our hearts. There are other experiences that I have had that make me believe that this life cannot be the end of our living. I just wish I could grasp that idea forever, and never lose sight of it.<br /><br />Today, I got a wonderful message while watching LDS General Conference. Something I needed to hear, and it was really tailored for me and my current struggle. Simply, in the middle of a talk, President Thomas S. Monson told me<br />;)<br />"Life beyond the grave is as real and as certain as is our life her on earth."<br /><br />Those simple words will resonate with me for a long time. I hope they will heal the wounds that I have suffered while questioning life beyond the life we are living now. I am grateful today for this much needed sentence, and while I know to some extent I just want to believe those words. I also feel in my heart that they are true, and that feeling makes all the difference.<br /><br /><3 Beth<br />For all those babies that have gone before us, and are waiting for us to one day be with them again.<br /><br />"Some believe that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my baby running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is ...doing that when she looks behind, I'll already be there" anonymousBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-6215167750236181492011-03-10T13:49:00.002-07:002011-03-10T13:56:23.313-07:00you can't fight people unwilling to listenI just don't understand. The first baby this year died after being forgotten and left in the car by its mother. The comments made by people in response to the article is always alarming to me.<br /><br />People can't see that mistakes happen? People don't understand that a parent suffers from loss like this?<br /><br />I like to compare these losses to a parent accidentally leaving the pool gate open, and a child drowns. How is it any different really? In both instances, the brain lapses...and tragedy befalls. The treatment between the 2 are much different though. If a child drowns after the gate is left open, you may initially feel anger, but usually compassion follows as you probably have done it yourself at one time.<br /><br />Many parents have forgotten their child. Many of my friends told me they forgot theirs, it just wasn't at a time where the child got hurt. However, when all the circumstances connect...once a child is forgotten...a child dies.<br /><br />In our case...it was one of the worst days that our basal ganglia could fail us. <br /><br />Would I trade anything to go back to that day and change several circumstances...YOU BET. I can't do that though. I can't ever go back.<br /><br />Amberlee would be 4 years old this month...as my heart breaks wishing she would here, remembering her, and those events. It also breaks knowing that 35 parents will suffer my same fate...this year...and the first one is just experiencing it now. <br /><br />Prayers for all the babies and parents that have been lost to Hyperthemia...prayers for the people that don't understand, that maybe one day they will...prayers for those that will suffer this fate this year.<br /><br />I have a lump in my throat, and just can't shake the feeling that I just can't help. I desperately wish I could.<br /><br />Love you for listening.<br />BethBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-31005959038115379692010-07-16T05:02:00.001-07:002010-07-16T05:09:01.270-07:00Locked In: Why Child Car Deaths Are on the Rise - DivineCaroline<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1JWmPwuU-xVsMhA1S-IKMp_6okGZqQMcgGhYI08rHg5FxxoWbe_HMs_fKhKeHhD6C0y4GXoPCvOWJbVkTgUlX3On-SY5K81yNbLNd_F04uJDqRnVJhPRMTvinw5NvchXjtof1YLItjVU/s1600/car+keys+in+car.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 254px; height: 193px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1JWmPwuU-xVsMhA1S-IKMp_6okGZqQMcgGhYI08rHg5FxxoWbe_HMs_fKhKeHhD6C0y4GXoPCvOWJbVkTgUlX3On-SY5K81yNbLNd_F04uJDqRnVJhPRMTvinw5NvchXjtof1YLItjVU/s320/car+keys+in+car.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5494474840579652642" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.divinecaroline.com/22354/101756-locked-in-child-car-deaths">Locked In: Why Child Car Deaths Are on the Rise - DivineCaroline</a>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-61582706469545072332010-06-28T19:51:00.001-07:002010-06-28T19:52:02.551-07:003 years ago,..she was lying in her hospital bed...<object width="400" height="300" ><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always" /><param name="movie" value="http://www.facebook.com/v/390472703856" /><embed src="http://www.facebook.com/v/390472703856" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="300"></embed></object>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-80491752384458842922010-05-09T17:53:00.002-07:002010-05-09T17:56:11.871-07:00This says it all. Happy Mother's DayDr. Joanne Cacciatore does a wonderful job of explaining what life becomes after loosing a child. I hope you will take the chance to travel to her blog and read this. I hesitated to read it at first, but once I read it, I had to share. It is very well said/written.<br /><br /><3<br />Happy Mothers Day<br /><br /><a href="http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2010/05/grieving-mothers-manifesto.html">http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2010/05/grieving-mothers-manifesto.html</a>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-78926382245895979462010-05-05T10:17:00.002-07:002010-05-05T10:30:11.770-07:00New Angels<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzUcKMTQ9OVehmlSebysAdFqoEdyMisGgvpnWhkKGXDaI2xc38Ci4TIUWJnOJpsj8T7C4VAtoBFslXPr5XMXYEcenIe3C4YbaTwl6JgWkn1We1Y0zpy46MvoCMlGGX8VM7uAikz1TzmdI/s1600/Mother's+Day.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 185px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzUcKMTQ9OVehmlSebysAdFqoEdyMisGgvpnWhkKGXDaI2xc38Ci4TIUWJnOJpsj8T7C4VAtoBFslXPr5XMXYEcenIe3C4YbaTwl6JgWkn1We1Y0zpy46MvoCMlGGX8VM7uAikz1TzmdI/s320/Mother's+Day.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467839464851435746" border="0" /></a><br />I am often shocked by the number of people I meet that have lost babies. While I am grateful to have them in my lives, it is very difficult to support them w/o loosing a bit of myself in it. Regardless, this is a gift I have been given and I am happy to help wherever I am needed. I am grateful for the strength I have as well as the chance to provide service if possible.<br /><br />Recently, two people that I have met and enjoyed lost their babies. I know some of the path they will travel. It inspires me to share this...<br /><br />Mother's Day is coming up. Anyone you know that has lost a baby, please remember them. Please suggest to them you are thinking of them and their baby. They will never forget their child that is not with them. Its not like a day can go by where you don't remember one of your children is not with you. So I abhor you, contact those Mother's you know that might be having a difficult time on Mother's day. Tell them you love them, tell them you are thinking of their angel. Sometimes its the small gestures that mean the most. I am certain they would be grateful. Here is a list of suggestions for what you might do.<br /><ul><li>Write a Letter, To Show You Care</li><li>Think of a Unique Way to Remember</li><li>Never Say "Move On" They will when they can.</li><li>If you are Inspired, Do it</li><li>Don't Say "I'm Sorry", Feel It</li><li>Send a Card, I'm thinking of You</li><li>Let them talk about it, this can help the most.</li><li>Remember Anniversaries Monthly at First then Yearly</li><li>Remember Anniversaries Birth & Death</li><li>Holidays are important, Mother's Day, Father's Day especially</li></ul>Peace be with all the Angel Mommies this Mother's Day. I love you and I am here for your support. Whatever you need. ((Hugs))Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-71403695464090555422010-03-22T07:33:00.003-07:002010-03-22T07:39:44.489-07:00Happy Birthday Amberlee!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilOEduSI9T1YoFfJw1k4OMYrOIK4EachDvX98qPU59gqtOW9bMHMT7v3GzAZKBB6Jh_j4hQpqKKYo7fjaQv5VVwt048iaP1HUqRvZ2SGBZs0a-7CFSMc64vNUsq5M1oxW5IywkeoWeVhM/s1600-h/Image0014.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilOEduSI9T1YoFfJw1k4OMYrOIK4EachDvX98qPU59gqtOW9bMHMT7v3GzAZKBB6Jh_j4hQpqKKYo7fjaQv5VVwt048iaP1HUqRvZ2SGBZs0a-7CFSMc64vNUsq5M1oxW5IywkeoWeVhM/s320/Image0014.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451466467024625218" border="0" /></a><br />Today is Amberlee's 3rd Birthday. I am feeling the comfort and peace this morning, and would even think she is with us. I love these feelings, which are fewer and farther between. When you lead up to a day that you know will be a nightmare, and someone is giving you the strength you need to get through. For today, the best I can share is this wonderful song by Building 429...which is true. When our world falls apart there is someone here to remind us that he will take care of us through this. Always, no matter what. In our Anger, in our Fear, in our Screaming. He brings us comfort and peace.<br /><br />In ways I am truly forgetting this, as we distance ourself from the day we lost Amberlee, I feel the comfort and peace less...but today I am reminded. I am grateful for the love that is shown us in support. We are not the only people that miss this sweet baby. We are reminded of her always, and cannot wait to see her again.<br /><br />Until We Meet Again sweet princess...Take care of her Dad, Take care of her Grandpa, Take care of her angels.<br /><br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/G6LTfueFPpM&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/G6LTfueFPpM&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-58571191437450922572010-03-20T12:01:00.003-07:002010-03-20T12:11:22.757-07:00From a Friend<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwXCQFZUUk3BHQ_dcxq7RIHnGU7OUPcx43dFxaOXnLTGIprd4N9ROJfFoswRdkwcv2sQTga1FHQWV-IoSL2' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-53138526174009438542010-03-20T11:55:00.002-07:002010-03-20T12:01:20.289-07:00From the Funeral<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dw-0KUoKpVMOZgVpdVj2v3-aBB-eGGMKgaG7tNnKllqVHLLcDWAceDtB04fQSx8gpeZZV5Z1UJwlM7a-apurg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-12996801095628203262010-03-15T17:44:00.002-07:002010-03-15T17:54:00.311-07:00This WeekThis week is proving to be more difficult than I remember last year being. <br /><br />On Saturday, I got the blessing of seeing a video of my father for the first time ever. He died when I was 2 years old, and I have never seen him alive that I can remember. This 13 seconds was such a blessing...I wish I could describe it better. <br /><br />Well that reminded me of something things.<br /><br />I am now 17 weeks pregnant and on Wednesday I have an Ultrasound and Dr. Appointment. We'll get to see what we are having. That is exciting, except, when the receptionist gave me the date of the appointment I stopped dead in my tracks. She was like...are you ok...do you need a different day.<br /><br />Well...Amberlee was due on March 18th...the day my father died 30 years ago. That was hard to swallow...had I only known this would be compounded by her death, I had no clue what the magnamity of the week approaching me would be like. So I find out what I am having on the 17th, and then on the 18th it will be 30 years since my father passed away. After that, on the 22nd...its Amberlee's Birthday.<br /><br />Normally I celebrate her birthday and just have fun with it, and its fine. But for some reason I feel emotionally drained. I am usually pretty strong, and helpful, but for now...I am not. I am not sure we choose these things. Maybe this is worsened by the fact that my friends are not nearby. But I am not sure that that is the reason. I think this is just a lot for a person to deal with in one week.<br /><br />Sure the one is exciting...but it somehow haunts me. I thought it would be so wonderful that Amberlee would be born at the same time as my Dad died. I figured it would help that day feel less daunting. But obviously, when she died, it compounded that sadness for that week.<br /><br />I guess its just going to be a difficult road for this week. She would be 3 this year. Just like the song says "He would've been 3 today. I miss his smile...I miss his face." I am obviously going there. The time grows more and more distant. I used to think this would be comforting, but the more time that passes, the more distant she seems. <br /><br />OK...so I am obviously pessimistic right now. I need prayers. <br /><br />Love BethBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-74117987164722378272009-12-16T12:18:00.003-07:002009-12-16T12:33:02.397-07:00Christmas this year.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtKXuL_19VOhoA-OaTZHCeKcGb9hQMZxHhCiTUs6ustvsFsl4GrOaDQiEm44tHWxWtDeFN3lvT7H0NUlZWE67cuYXGdENvdb3rfXyex15MtHwc5fRPOlgQtUp3TwZONivcaPz54plty7Q/s1600-h/berries.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 132px; height: 91px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtKXuL_19VOhoA-OaTZHCeKcGb9hQMZxHhCiTUs6ustvsFsl4GrOaDQiEm44tHWxWtDeFN3lvT7H0NUlZWE67cuYXGdENvdb3rfXyex15MtHwc5fRPOlgQtUp3TwZONivcaPz54plty7Q/s320/berries.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5415915664711281170" border="0" /></a><br />I've been meaning to write something for the past few days. I guess the indication of me not writing, shows the mental stature that we've reached here. A lot has happened though, and I believe it all contributes to the warmth we are feeling this year.<br /><br />In November we moved from Arizona to Utah. The main reason, was Amberlee. We lived in the same house, on the same street. I loved that house before she was injured and died, but afterward, I hated it. No real reason, I just felt this hatred. We searched for a awhile, and we were finally blessed to be able to move to Utah, and let me tell you...its simply perfect here.<br /><br />I no longer feel the pain I felt daily in AZ. The pain must have been so constant and familiar I barely recognized it. Since we moved I am a better mother, wife, and friend. I am able to do so much more because I am not weighed down by my grief. I do miss being near her resting place, but I am happy to move forward (Not On).<br /><br />This Christmas is much better than the past. We are able to enjoy it a bit. The holidays actually seem cheery. I have had days. Days where I am dragged down by the pain of missing my sweet baby, but those days are so much fewer than before. Still, I cannot predict when grief will approach and so when it does, it sucks me away for a time. However, I can recall 2 days this entire holiday season. I would say we are doing pretty well. It is still very surreal celebrating Christmas and Family without someone in our family. I am realizing that nearly everyone does this though. Nearly everyone has lost someone close to them that they love. Maybe this loss is the reason the holiday season feels so much more special. We get to celebrate those who are here, and remember those that are not. Many of the Christmas song talk about those that are near and far...and I am sure that this applies to everyone we might consider far away. They apply to anyone we do not have quick access to.<br /><br />We are visiting our old home for the holidays, and I am interested to see how different it might feel. I am still grateful that by leaving it, we have found healing. We are moving forward in life, and where we go from here is hopefully up. We will never forget our baby, as we count for her every day. We often look at pictures and remember her...but the memories grow distant even still. I wonder if this isn't a blessing, creating the space we need to survive the time that will pass...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">Until We Meet Again.<br /></div>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-29933717186429795022009-10-01T17:25:00.000-07:002011-10-12T17:26:13.678-07:00another lossSometimes I think, anyone who loses a child should never have to suffer anything like that again. Why really should they have to suffer anything more? But then I realize, we all will experience loss. We all will have something that influences our lives significantly. <br />
<br />
I've been putting it off for a little bit now, because I don't really have time for it; but we found out last week that the baby I was carrying had died. It seems so unreal. Why would anyone have to suffer loss 2x? Really, why? We are moving so I am trying really hard to get to Utah and deal with it there, after all its only 5 days away. I am not sure I can wait anymore. This sucks.<br />
<br />
To anyone that has had a miscarriage. I am so sorry. We invest our bodies for a time (usually 40 weeks). We have hope, we have dreams, we remember the excitement. We always will. When the 40 weeks doesn't come, because of a loss, where does that put us. So many people will tell us, hey you can try again. Really though, that is not what we want to hear. Nothing really gives solace to loss, the hope for trying again brings fear of another loss.<br />
<br />
I have hope that the next time we try it will be successful, but I really wonder if we will be blessed again. We are very blessed with the 6 children we have. I do know this. I just wish that number 7 was still on the way. This just doesn't seem fair.<br />
<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-35467381356526324322009-09-08T15:53:00.005-07:002009-09-08T16:18:30.201-07:00Lyrics to a new song, Perfect Song.Enjoy this...I love it...it peacefully expresses our love. For those of you who may not know...Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter Maria...shortly after we lost Amberlee...in a car accident. His words are so close to our own, his feelings are similar the same. <3>“Heaven Is The Face” by Steven Curtis Chapman:</p><p><br />Heaven is the face of a little girl<br />With dark brown eyes<br />That disappear when she smiles<br />Heaven is the place<br />Where she calls my name<br />Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”</p> <p>God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more<br />But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for God,<br />You know, I just can’t see beyond the door<br />So right now Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep<br />Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing<br />And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms<br />Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams</p> <p>And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more<br />But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God,<br />You know, I just can’t see beyond the door<br />But in my mind’s eye I can see a place<br />Where Your glory fills every empty space</p> <p>All the cancer is gone<br />Every mouth is fed<br />And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed<br />Every lonely heart finds their one true love<br />And there’s no more goodbye<br />And no more not enough<br />And there’s no more enemy (no more)</p> <p>Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss<br />And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone<br />Heaven is the place where she takes my hand<br />And leads me to You<br />And we both run into Your arms</p> <p>Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream<br />It’s far beyond anything I can conceive<br />So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl.</p><p>http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/ It is part of a new album he is releasing "BEAUTY WILL RISE", that he wrote after losing his daughter Maria.<br /></p>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-64191588175503101782009-08-24T16:54:00.002-07:002009-08-24T17:08:34.185-07:00A Much Needed UpdateI haven't posted on the blog in a long time, and I am sorry for that. Today happens to be the 6 year anniversary of a friend's baby's passing (Alexis Romero), and I have been contemplating Amberlee today. Obviously I miss her every day, and I especially think about what she would be doing. Today is different though.<br /><br />As I was thinking about her, it dawned on me that since her anniversaries are passed, I am feeling much better. Of course there are days that I feel dragged down, but who doesn't have those days. Sometimes I'll be driving down the road, and a certain song will play on the radio. I'll cry for what could have been, I'll cry just because I miss her; and sometimes I cry because it feels like a piece of my heart has a hole in it. Literally, it always feels that way. Like a space that should be filled, but won't. It is a very unnatural feeling to have lost your child. As I see the others grow it seems wrong that she is not growing with them.<br /><br />I am happy though. In many ways we are moving forward. I am excited this year to feel like I can volunteer at the school again. I am excited to be involved in the girls' school life again. This is definitely an improvement on last year. There are so many activities that we once did, and haven't done in some time, but we are once again able to take part in them.<br /><br />One thing that we just can't get past is the heat. This stupid Arizona heat. It tortures us all summer long, and mostly we just want to stay away from it. Kyle and I have nightmares throughout the summer, and whenever someone mentions that they were "cooking" in their car we cringe. It's horrible to hear people say that so often, but it is life in Arizona, and we must endure.<br /><br />I've devoted a good portion of time to help some friends or friends of friends through similiar tragedies. It is difficult to see someone start this journey, but I am grateful for all those people the traveled the road before me, and offer me advice. There are many parents out there that have lost children, and they all need love and support over time. Time does not make the heart forget unfortunately, it dulls the pain only slightly, and mostly that is just because of experience with the emotions that come. If you know someone that has lost a child, please call them, and tell them you are thinking about their child. Please tell them you are thinking about their baby, and you are there for them if they need you. Alexis' parents made me realize today that even though its been 6 years for them, it still hurts. Never think someone has moved on simply because time has passed. Please offer them love regardless of what you think, might be occurring in their lives at this point.<br /><br />As always, thanks for listening. Have a wonderful day, and appreciate the blessings that come to you every single day. <3Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-43389142326690099782009-08-01T17:08:00.002-07:002009-08-24T17:18:36.156-07:00JealousyI thought that this was strange and I wanted to share. Of course I had to call at least a dozen people after this happened, to make sure I wasn't evil or crazy. Now that I know for sure, I can share this story with you.<br /><br />A few weeks ago, a friend came to pick me up. She mentioned that another friend of mine, well her baby had drown that morning. Apparently the baby was going to be o.k., but she was in the hospital. Of course, that is where we went immediately.<br /><br />I sat in the hospital room with my friend, and we talked about what happened. I could see her experiencing all the emotions I felt the day after Amberlee got hurt. It is quite frightening to witness a parent suffer such emotions. Regardless of the fact that her baby was going to be ok...she still felt the trauma of the accident.<br /><br />The next morning, and even most of that evening I was very upset. I cried so much, and I was so mad and frustrated. Don't get me wrong here...I was happy for my friend...and I was really happy that her baby was ok, and there would be no lasting consequences to her near drowning. However, a horrible emotion stirred deep within me. I couldn't understand why, I couldn't understand how. How does God choose which children he will save, and which he will not? Why did someone notice her baby in time to save her? Why does my friend get to keep her baby, but I had to loose mine. She gets to hug and kiss her baby every day, and see her run and play, but mine is gone for now. Mine is only a memory, for now.<br /><br />This jealousy ate at me for several days, and every time I look at her, while I am grateful that she does not have to go down this road (I would never wish that on anyone), I am extremely jealous that she is one of the lucky ones. I felt so wrong for having this emotion...I am ashamed to tell my friend, and ashamed that I feel this way. It's the truth though. This is truly the way that I feel, and I've learned to be honest with the way I feel having lost Amberlee.<br /><br />I hope that this is understandable, most of my close friends that I asked said they were thinking it before I said it. They just didn't want to mention it if I didn't.<br /><br />Until another time.<br />BethBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-36183967378650256302009-06-23T21:38:00.002-07:002009-06-23T21:55:07.201-07:00TearsI hope that by now most people know that I don't usually dwell in sadness. If you are reading please understand I just want to be honest. I want to show what I am really feeling, so if anyone reads this blog...they can know, that if they've felt that same way...so did another person suffering the same fate. I may have said that before, and I hope that it stays clear.<br /><br />On Wednesday I saw an Ambulance driving down the road, lights and sirens. I pulled over to the side of the street to wait, as all the other cars rushed by me wondering what I was doing. I guess they didn't take driver's ed, but I am pretty sure it's a law. Anyway, just seeing the ambulance invoked panic, and fear...instantly I had a flashback. Not the normal one I have of asking Kyle where Amberlee is. But this flashback was the 911 call, and the police, and the paramedics with the blank faces. I came back from the flashback realizing I should drive. To be honest though...it was difficult. It scared me, how it just took over completely, and sucked my mind away. Its been a long time since that has happened, and I hope it will be a long time until it happens again, if ever.<br /><br />Today I read about a run in utah for a family that lost a daughter, and the supression of the month was released as I realized this week is the week. This week will mark 2 years since Amberlee was left in the car, accidentally. This week will mark 2 years since she died. <br /><br />It always amazes me how harsh that sentence sounds, but it is the essence of realism. Why do we pad such terms, or try to make them look more acceptable by saying things like "passed on"? I am a realist, and death is real. Those words that have to do with death might stab, but maybe they are supposed to. Maybe the harshness of the word is only meant to create the harshness of feelings that exist when a person dies. Its not easy, it never was. Maybe invoking these feelings is a good thing, and the term is truly meant to convey what it is.<br /><br />Digressing, today instead of anger I feel loss and sadness. I am left exploring to find poems to comfort my bleeding soul. I want to punch something, but not to hurt it. I want to punch out the pain that I feel. I want to hit hard and precise, so that this pain might be somewhat alleviated, and grace and peace will once more encompass me. My mourning is so solitary and so selfish. I feel bad when I can't be there to do the things I should for others, but I need this time to myself. I feel bad that I won't let people in, but I desperately want them to find a way to break through. <br /><br />DEATH Sucks! Mourning suck! <br /><br />I hope that above all, people understand that we don't choose the course that we take in grief...I feel that the grief over the loss of a child is more like a small leaf in a stream. You go where there current takes you. Sometimes its rocky...other times its smooth, sometimes you hit a rock or embankment, and sometimes you feel like you are pulled underwater and drowning...only fighting to survive. I wish I could choose, and in ways I have "moved on" as people say. But there are times that this grief hits hard, and if I don't succumb to the pain, it eats at me until I have no choice but to collapse. We do choose to live life to the fullest, and to be happy. Overall I am choosing that...but for this month...for this pain...I choose to feel what I must. <br /><br />Please understand.<br />((hugs))<br /><br />BethBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8336170370054403691.post-25018608484525293732009-06-10T12:16:00.008-07:002009-06-10T13:31:18.110-07:00If No One Will Listen<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkV3rGqD0R0ut5whoOn6xbQlV_Kx5ZKgjb9SP6-ELf-nhyfdwioq6qPSQDwpt_1O-ub-VG_SRh3i7jyidvAiBM72q4KjDt0RQjAiICJqOU10QoQctyfzIomyOxypQAxKcR_t53ARBdOWY/s1600-h/Kelly+Clarkson.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345783461244533986" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 220px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 220px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkV3rGqD0R0ut5whoOn6xbQlV_Kx5ZKgjb9SP6-ELf-nhyfdwioq6qPSQDwpt_1O-ub-VG_SRh3i7jyidvAiBM72q4KjDt0RQjAiICJqOU10QoQctyfzIomyOxypQAxKcR_t53ARBdOWY/s320/Kelly+Clarkson.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I have heard this song many times before, but never noticed the power of the words until today. This is EXACTLY how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I understand why those who have not walked this path, don't understand. But knowing it doesn't make it ok. Sometimes it feels as though I am drowning in this pain, that so often I don't allow myself to feel. Its inconvenient to have to feel. I don' know if that makes sense but in my mind it does, or at least that is what I tell myself.<br /></div><div>So here is the song. Apparently it is based on a poem by Emily Dickinson. If you can find me the poem...I will be forever grateful. Here are the beautiful lyrics. The song is on Kelly Clarkson's New Album, All I Ever Wanted...the very last song. =)</div><div></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">And so you fight to keep from pouring out.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">But what if you unlock the gate </span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">that keeps your secret soul</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">Do you think there's enough that you might drown?</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><em><span style="color:#666666;">Chorus</span></em></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If no one will listen, if you decide to speak.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If No one's left standing, after the bombs explode.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">I will be here still.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">No one can tell you where you alone must go.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">There's no telling what you will find there.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">Screaming every step "JUST STAY HERE"</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></strong> </div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></em></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="color:#666666;">Chorus</span></em></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If No one will listen, if you decide to speak.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If No one's left standing, after the bombs explode.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">I will be here still.</span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If your legs have given out under the weight.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If you find you've been settling for a world of gray.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;"></span></strong></div><br /><div><strong><em><span style="color:#666666;">Chorus</span></em></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If No one will listen, if you decide to speak.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If No one is left standing, after the bombs explode.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are.</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ff6666;">I will be here still.</span></strong></div><div><strong><em><span style="color:#ffcccc;"></span></em></strong></div><br /><div><strong><span style="color:#ffcccc;">On the CD, Kelly lists this Poem shortly after the song...</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ffcccc;">Life is but life, and DEATH but DEATH</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ffcccc;">Bliss is, But Bliss</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ffcccc;">and BREATH but BREATH!</span></strong></div><div><strong><span style="color:#ffcccc;">But defeat, No Drearier, can prevail! -Emily Dickinson</span></strong></div><div><strong></strong></div><br /><div>So maybe not so obvious...but the bombs exploding would be June 28th through July 7th of 2007, if you catch my drift. "If no one will listen if you decide to speak", not everyone is like this, but many shy away the minute I bring it up, they don't want to hear it. Maybe the pain is too much, maybe they don't want to. I hope you can understand the rest. Music is therapy, and this truly takes the cake for me right now. I added it to the playlist...I hope you enjoy.</div><div></div><div>Thanks.</div><div>Beth</div>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14830697160333770253noreply@blogger.com1