Amberlee's Story

2011-10-16T20:33:00.002-07:00

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=356769

This is very well written. My comment on facebook says, "WOW...this article is awesome. Strangely the part about dignity resonated with me. That is what I wanted in the hospital, and somehow we did not get it in the way we wished. It's strange to be on this side of the fence...looking at everybody's worst nightmare, and knowing what it actually feels like, everyday."

What do you think?

If you want to understand...READ THIS

2011-10-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

This article tells it like it is, while its hard to read it is brutally honest.

http://www.jsonline.com/news/opinion/the-heartache-of-infant-loss-131289299.html

4 Years Later

2011-06-29T08:27:00.003-07:00

I feel like I am forgetting her.
I feel like I am losing her more.
But the memories of that day seem very real.
Is she just a picture or a photo?
I try very hard to block out the bad.
I don't want to remember the trauma.

And then, suddenly, I remember everything
and I even feel her near.
All that love and emotion come flooding back.
Her smell, her touch, her soul.
I inhale deely, because I FEEL HER in my soul.

I know she still exists.
I know she is near me.
I still love her the same.

And I can make it through...another year.

Life Changes, more

2011-04-03T12:36:00.003-07:00

There are times in my life when I start to wonder if heaven is real. I start to wonder if all we work for in this life, leads to nowhere. What happens when we die? It quite frankly scares me beyond belief sometimes to think that one day, there might be darkness and nothing, and my family and friends won't be with me. That is a horrible and sad way to live and it has a way of bringing a person down. Why or how could we maintain such a belief? Even if that is what happened when we die, why live life in misery believing the end is really the end for our spirits?

I have struggled with these thoughts lately. And having struggled with them makes me remember the day Amberlee was dying, when I felt her little spirit speak to me and I knew without a doubt it was her. I also think of the days after she passed, when our family sat in her room and she sent each of us a message at the same time. My sister in law Amanda even received the very same message at her home, but she was not with us. How can you explain this? If Amberlee did not still exist, how can we explain that she spoke to our hearts. There are other experiences that I have had that make me believe that this life cannot be the end of our living. I just wish I could grasp that idea forever, and never lose sight of it.

Today, I got a wonderful message while watching LDS General Conference. Something I needed to hear, and it was really tailored for me and my current struggle. Simply, in the middle of a talk, President Thomas S. Monson told me
;)
"Life beyond the grave is as real and as certain as is our life her on earth."

Those simple words will resonate with me for a long time. I hope they will heal the wounds that I have suffered while questioning life beyond the life we are living now. I am grateful today for this much needed sentence, and while I know to some extent I just want to believe those words. I also feel in my heart that they are true, and that feeling makes all the difference.

<3 Beth
For all those babies that have gone before us, and are waiting for us to one day be with them again.

"Some believe that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my baby running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is ...doing that when she looks behind, I'll already be there" anonymous

you can't fight people unwilling to listen

2011-03-10T13:49:00.002-07:00

I just don't understand. The first baby this year died after being forgotten and left in the car by its mother. The comments made by people in response to the article is always alarming to me.

People can't see that mistakes happen? People don't understand that a parent suffers from loss like this?

I like to compare these losses to a parent accidentally leaving the pool gate open, and a child drowns. How is it any different really? In both instances, the brain lapses...and tragedy befalls. The treatment between the 2 are much different though. If a child drowns after the gate is left open, you may initially feel anger, but usually compassion follows as you probably have done it yourself at one time.

Many parents have forgotten their child. Many of my friends told me they forgot theirs, it just wasn't at a time where the child got hurt. However, when all the circumstances connect...once a child is forgotten...a child dies.

In our case...it was one of the worst days that our basal ganglia could fail us.

Would I trade anything to go back to that day and change several circumstances...YOU BET. I can't do that though. I can't ever go back.

Amberlee would be 4 years old this month...as my heart breaks wishing she would here, remembering her, and those events. It also breaks knowing that 35 parents will suffer my same fate...this year...and the first one is just experiencing it now.

Prayers for all the babies and parents that have been lost to Hyperthemia...prayers for the people that don't understand, that maybe one day they will...prayers for those that will suffer this fate this year.

I have a lump in my throat, and just can't shake the feeling that I just can't help. I desperately wish I could.

Love you for listening.
Beth

Locked In: Why Child Car Deaths Are on the Rise - DivineCaroline

2010-07-16T05:02:00.001-07:00

Locked In: Why Child Car Deaths Are on the Rise - DivineCaroline

3 years ago,..she was lying in her hospital bed...

2010-06-28T19:51:00.001-07:00

This says it all. Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T17:53:00.002-07:00

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore does a wonderful job of explaining what life becomes after loosing a child. I hope you will take the chance to travel to her blog and read this. I hesitated to read it at first, but once I read it, I had to share. It is very well said/written.

<3
Happy Mothers Day

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2010/05/grieving-mothers-manifesto.html

New Angels

2010-05-05T10:17:00.002-07:00

I am often shocked by the number of people I meet that have lost babies. While I am grateful to have them in my lives, it is very difficult to support them w/o loosing a bit of myself in it. Regardless, this is a gift I have been given and I am happy to help wherever I am needed. I am grateful for the strength I have as well as the chance to provide service if possible.

Recently, two people that I have met and enjoyed lost their babies. I know some of the path they will travel. It inspires me to share this...

Mother's Day is coming up. Anyone you know that has lost a baby, please remember them. Please suggest to them you are thinking of them and their baby. They will never forget their child that is not with them. Its not like a day can go by where you don't remember one of your children is not with you. So I abhor you, contact those Mother's you know that might be having a difficult time on Mother's day. Tell them you love them, tell them you are thinking of their angel. Sometimes its the small gestures that mean the most. I am certain they would be grateful. Here is a list of suggestions for what you might do.

Write a Letter, To Show You Care
Think of a Unique Way to Remember
Never Say "Move On" They will when they can.
If you are Inspired, Do it
Don't Say "I'm Sorry", Feel It
Send a Card, I'm thinking of You
Let them talk about it, this can help the most.
Remember Anniversaries Monthly at First then Yearly
Remember Anniversaries Birth & Death
Holidays are important, Mother's Day, Father's Day especially

Peace be with all the Angel Mommies this Mother's Day. I love you and I am here for your support. Whatever you need. ((Hugs))

Happy Birthday Amberlee!

2010-03-22T07:33:00.003-07:00

Today is Amberlee's 3rd Birthday. I am feeling the comfort and peace this morning, and would even think she is with us. I love these feelings, which are fewer and farther between. When you lead up to a day that you know will be a nightmare, and someone is giving you the strength you need to get through. For today, the best I can share is this wonderful song by Building 429...which is true. When our world falls apart there is someone here to remind us that he will take care of us through this. Always, no matter what. In our Anger, in our Fear, in our Screaming. He brings us comfort and peace.

In ways I am truly forgetting this, as we distance ourself from the day we lost Amberlee, I feel the comfort and peace less...but today I am reminded. I am grateful for the love that is shown us in support. We are not the only people that miss this sweet baby. We are reminded of her always, and cannot wait to see her again.

Until We Meet Again sweet princess...Take care of her Dad, Take care of her Grandpa, Take care of her angels.

From a Friend

2010-03-20T12:01:00.003-07:00

From the Funeral

2010-03-20T11:55:00.002-07:00

This Week

2010-03-15T17:44:00.002-07:00

This week is proving to be more difficult than I remember last year being.

On Saturday, I got the blessing of seeing a video of my father for the first time ever. He died when I was 2 years old, and I have never seen him alive that I can remember. This 13 seconds was such a blessing...I wish I could describe it better.

Well that reminded me of something things.

I am now 17 weeks pregnant and on Wednesday I have an Ultrasound and Dr. Appointment. We'll get to see what we are having. That is exciting, except, when the receptionist gave me the date of the appointment I stopped dead in my tracks. She was like...are you ok...do you need a different day.

Well...Amberlee was due on March 18th...the day my father died 30 years ago. That was hard to swallow...had I only known this would be compounded by her death, I had no clue what the magnamity of the week approaching me would be like. So I find out what I am having on the 17th, and then on the 18th it will be 30 years since my father passed away. After that, on the 22nd...its Amberlee's Birthday.

Normally I celebrate her birthday and just have fun with it, and its fine. But for some reason I feel emotionally drained. I am usually pretty strong, and helpful, but for now...I am not. I am not sure we choose these things. Maybe this is worsened by the fact that my friends are not nearby. But I am not sure that that is the reason. I think this is just a lot for a person to deal with in one week.

Sure the one is exciting...but it somehow haunts me. I thought it would be so wonderful that Amberlee would be born at the same time as my Dad died. I figured it would help that day feel less daunting. But obviously, when she died, it compounded that sadness for that week.

I guess its just going to be a difficult road for this week. She would be 3 this year. Just like the song says "He would've been 3 today. I miss his smile...I miss his face." I am obviously going there. The time grows more and more distant. I used to think this would be comforting, but the more time that passes, the more distant she seems.

OK...so I am obviously pessimistic right now. I need prayers.

Love Beth

Christmas this year.

2009-12-16T12:18:00.003-07:00

I've been meaning to write something for the past few days. I guess the indication of me not writing, shows the mental stature that we've reached here. A lot has happened though, and I believe it all contributes to the warmth we are feeling this year.

In November we moved from Arizona to Utah. The main reason, was Amberlee. We lived in the same house, on the same street. I loved that house before she was injured and died, but afterward, I hated it. No real reason, I just felt this hatred. We searched for a awhile, and we were finally blessed to be able to move to Utah, and let me tell you...its simply perfect here.

I no longer feel the pain I felt daily in AZ. The pain must have been so constant and familiar I barely recognized it. Since we moved I am a better mother, wife, and friend. I am able to do so much more because I am not weighed down by my grief. I do miss being near her resting place, but I am happy to move forward (Not On).

This Christmas is much better than the past. We are able to enjoy it a bit. The holidays actually seem cheery. I have had days. Days where I am dragged down by the pain of missing my sweet baby, but those days are so much fewer than before. Still, I cannot predict when grief will approach and so when it does, it sucks me away for a time. However, I can recall 2 days this entire holiday season. I would say we are doing pretty well. It is still very surreal celebrating Christmas and Family without someone in our family. I am realizing that nearly everyone does this though. Nearly everyone has lost someone close to them that they love. Maybe this loss is the reason the holiday season feels so much more special. We get to celebrate those who are here, and remember those that are not. Many of the Christmas song talk about those that are near and far...and I am sure that this applies to everyone we might consider far away. They apply to anyone we do not have quick access to.

We are visiting our old home for the holidays, and I am interested to see how different it might feel. I am still grateful that by leaving it, we have found healing. We are moving forward in life, and where we go from here is hopefully up. We will never forget our baby, as we count for her every day. We often look at pictures and remember her...but the memories grow distant even still. I wonder if this isn't a blessing, creating the space we need to survive the time that will pass...

Until We Meet Again.

another loss

2009-10-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think, anyone who loses a child should never have to suffer anything like that again. Why really should they have to suffer anything more? But then I realize, we all will experience loss. We all will have something that influences our lives significantly.

I've been putting it off for a little bit now, because I don't really have time for it; but we found out last week that the baby I was carrying had died. It seems so unreal. Why would anyone have to suffer loss 2x? Really, why? We are moving so I am trying really hard to get to Utah and deal with it there, after all its only 5 days away. I am not sure I can wait anymore. This sucks.

To anyone that has had a miscarriage. I am so sorry. We invest our bodies for a time (usually 40 weeks). We have hope, we have dreams, we remember the excitement. We always will. When the 40 weeks doesn't come, because of a loss, where does that put us. So many people will tell us, hey you can try again. Really though, that is not what we want to hear. Nothing really gives solace to loss, the hope for trying again brings fear of another loss.

I have hope that the next time we try it will be successful, but I really wonder if we will be blessed again. We are very blessed with the 6 children we have. I do know this. I just wish that number 7 was still on the way. This just doesn't seem fair.

Lyrics to a new song, Perfect Song.

2009-09-08T15:53:00.005-07:00

Enjoy this...I love it...it peacefully expresses our love. For those of you who may not know...Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter Maria...shortly after we lost Amberlee...in a car accident. His words are so close to our own, his feelings are similar the same. <3>“Heaven Is The Face” by Steven Curtis Chapman:

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for God,
You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
So right now Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God,
You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space

All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there’s no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there’s no more enemy (no more)

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl.

http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/ It is part of a new album he is releasing "BEAUTY WILL RISE", that he wrote after losing his daughter Maria.

A Much Needed Update

2009-08-24T16:54:00.002-07:00

I haven't posted on the blog in a long time, and I am sorry for that. Today happens to be the 6 year anniversary of a friend's baby's passing (Alexis Romero), and I have been contemplating Amberlee today. Obviously I miss her every day, and I especially think about what she would be doing. Today is different though.

As I was thinking about her, it dawned on me that since her anniversaries are passed, I am feeling much better. Of course there are days that I feel dragged down, but who doesn't have those days. Sometimes I'll be driving down the road, and a certain song will play on the radio. I'll cry for what could have been, I'll cry just because I miss her; and sometimes I cry because it feels like a piece of my heart has a hole in it. Literally, it always feels that way. Like a space that should be filled, but won't. It is a very unnatural feeling to have lost your child. As I see the others grow it seems wrong that she is not growing with them.

I am happy though. In many ways we are moving forward. I am excited this year to feel like I can volunteer at the school again. I am excited to be involved in the girls' school life again. This is definitely an improvement on last year. There are so many activities that we once did, and haven't done in some time, but we are once again able to take part in them.

One thing that we just can't get past is the heat. This stupid Arizona heat. It tortures us all summer long, and mostly we just want to stay away from it. Kyle and I have nightmares throughout the summer, and whenever someone mentions that they were "cooking" in their car we cringe. It's horrible to hear people say that so often, but it is life in Arizona, and we must endure.

I've devoted a good portion of time to help some friends or friends of friends through similiar tragedies. It is difficult to see someone start this journey, but I am grateful for all those people the traveled the road before me, and offer me advice. There are many parents out there that have lost children, and they all need love and support over time. Time does not make the heart forget unfortunately, it dulls the pain only slightly, and mostly that is just because of experience with the emotions that come. If you know someone that has lost a child, please call them, and tell them you are thinking about their child. Please tell them you are thinking about their baby, and you are there for them if they need you. Alexis' parents made me realize today that even though its been 6 years for them, it still hurts. Never think someone has moved on simply because time has passed. Please offer them love regardless of what you think, might be occurring in their lives at this point.

As always, thanks for listening. Have a wonderful day, and appreciate the blessings that come to you every single day. <3

Jealousy

2009-08-01T17:08:00.002-07:00

I thought that this was strange and I wanted to share. Of course I had to call at least a dozen people after this happened, to make sure I wasn't evil or crazy. Now that I know for sure, I can share this story with you.

A few weeks ago, a friend came to pick me up. She mentioned that another friend of mine, well her baby had drown that morning. Apparently the baby was going to be o.k., but she was in the hospital. Of course, that is where we went immediately.

I sat in the hospital room with my friend, and we talked about what happened. I could see her experiencing all the emotions I felt the day after Amberlee got hurt. It is quite frightening to witness a parent suffer such emotions. Regardless of the fact that her baby was going to be ok...she still felt the trauma of the accident.

The next morning, and even most of that evening I was very upset. I cried so much, and I was so mad and frustrated. Don't get me wrong here...I was happy for my friend...and I was really happy that her baby was ok, and there would be no lasting consequences to her near drowning. However, a horrible emotion stirred deep within me. I couldn't understand why, I couldn't understand how. How does God choose which children he will save, and which he will not? Why did someone notice her baby in time to save her? Why does my friend get to keep her baby, but I had to loose mine. She gets to hug and kiss her baby every day, and see her run and play, but mine is gone for now. Mine is only a memory, for now.

This jealousy ate at me for several days, and every time I look at her, while I am grateful that she does not have to go down this road (I would never wish that on anyone), I am extremely jealous that she is one of the lucky ones. I felt so wrong for having this emotion...I am ashamed to tell my friend, and ashamed that I feel this way. It's the truth though. This is truly the way that I feel, and I've learned to be honest with the way I feel having lost Amberlee.

I hope that this is understandable, most of my close friends that I asked said they were thinking it before I said it. They just didn't want to mention it if I didn't.

Until another time.
Beth

Tears

2009-06-23T21:38:00.002-07:00

I hope that by now most people know that I don't usually dwell in sadness. If you are reading please understand I just want to be honest. I want to show what I am really feeling, so if anyone reads this blog...they can know, that if they've felt that same way...so did another person suffering the same fate. I may have said that before, and I hope that it stays clear.

On Wednesday I saw an Ambulance driving down the road, lights and sirens. I pulled over to the side of the street to wait, as all the other cars rushed by me wondering what I was doing. I guess they didn't take driver's ed, but I am pretty sure it's a law. Anyway, just seeing the ambulance invoked panic, and fear...instantly I had a flashback. Not the normal one I have of asking Kyle where Amberlee is. But this flashback was the 911 call, and the police, and the paramedics with the blank faces. I came back from the flashback realizing I should drive. To be honest though...it was difficult. It scared me, how it just took over completely, and sucked my mind away. Its been a long time since that has happened, and I hope it will be a long time until it happens again, if ever.

Today I read about a run in utah for a family that lost a daughter, and the supression of the month was released as I realized this week is the week. This week will mark 2 years since Amberlee was left in the car, accidentally. This week will mark 2 years since she died.

It always amazes me how harsh that sentence sounds, but it is the essence of realism. Why do we pad such terms, or try to make them look more acceptable by saying things like "passed on"? I am a realist, and death is real. Those words that have to do with death might stab, but maybe they are supposed to. Maybe the harshness of the word is only meant to create the harshness of feelings that exist when a person dies. Its not easy, it never was. Maybe invoking these feelings is a good thing, and the term is truly meant to convey what it is.

Digressing, today instead of anger I feel loss and sadness. I am left exploring to find poems to comfort my bleeding soul. I want to punch something, but not to hurt it. I want to punch out the pain that I feel. I want to hit hard and precise, so that this pain might be somewhat alleviated, and grace and peace will once more encompass me. My mourning is so solitary and so selfish. I feel bad when I can't be there to do the things I should for others, but I need this time to myself. I feel bad that I won't let people in, but I desperately want them to find a way to break through.

DEATH Sucks! Mourning suck!

I hope that above all, people understand that we don't choose the course that we take in grief...I feel that the grief over the loss of a child is more like a small leaf in a stream. You go where there current takes you. Sometimes its rocky...other times its smooth, sometimes you hit a rock or embankment, and sometimes you feel like you are pulled underwater and drowning...only fighting to survive. I wish I could choose, and in ways I have "moved on" as people say. But there are times that this grief hits hard, and if I don't succumb to the pain, it eats at me until I have no choice but to collapse. We do choose to live life to the fullest, and to be happy. Overall I am choosing that...but for this month...for this pain...I choose to feel what I must.

Please understand.
((hugs))

Beth

If No One Will Listen

2009-06-10T12:16:00.008-07:00

I have heard this song many times before, but never noticed the power of the words until today. This is EXACTLY how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I understand why those who have not walked this path, don't understand. But knowing it doesn't make it ok. Sometimes it feels as though I am drowning in this pain, that so often I don't allow myself to feel. Its inconvenient to have to feel. I don' know if that makes sense but in my mind it does, or at least that is what I tell myself.

So here is the song. Apparently it is based on a poem by Emily Dickinson. If you can find me the poem...I will be forever grateful. Here are the beautiful lyrics. The song is on Kelly Clarkson's New Album, All I Ever Wanted...the very last song. =)

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears.

And so you fight to keep from pouring out.

But what if you unlock the gate

that keeps your secret soul

Do you think there's enough that you might drown?

Chorus

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one's left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are

I will be here still.

No one can tell you where you alone must go.

There's no telling what you will find there.

And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones.

Screaming every step "JUST STAY HERE"

Chorus

If No one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one's left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are

I will be here still.

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down

If your legs have given out under the weight.

If you find you've been settling for a world of gray.

So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate.

Chorus

If No one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one is left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are.

I will be here still.

On the CD, Kelly lists this Poem shortly after the song...

Life is but life, and DEATH but DEATH

Bliss is, But Bliss

and BREATH but BREATH!

But defeat, No Drearier, can prevail! -Emily Dickinson

So maybe not so obvious...but the bombs exploding would be June 28th through July 7th of 2007, if you catch my drift. "If no one will listen if you decide to speak", not everyone is like this, but many shy away the minute I bring it up, they don't want to hear it. Maybe the pain is too much, maybe they don't want to. I hope you can understand the rest. Music is therapy, and this truly takes the cake for me right now. I added it to the playlist...I hope you enjoy.

Thanks.

Beth

Bandaids & Neosporin

2009-06-03T18:49:00.002-07:00

I started reading this book a couple of weeks ago on my way back from Sacramento. I really enjoyed it. Some of the religiosity is confusing, and arguable, but the storyline is awesome. There is some depth to this book for someone suffering this un-imaginable grief. The book is about a young girl that is brutally murdered. Her father, in a path to escape The Great Sadness goes back to "the shack" where some of her remains were found, and in that trip he finds God in a very real way. If you ever get a chance, please read it.

Having said that. I have to mention that every once in awhile...when I feel like I can't do it anymore...its like I somehow get this little first aid kid to help me through. I am not speaking literally, but figuratively. I am really angry lately, and really frustrated with my grief which seems even stronger than before. Despite this grief, I have had little "bandaids" and "neosporin" left on my path.

Music is my greatest therapy. I cling to it, I find songs that will bless my life, and heal the wounded portions. I've been seeking out songs lately to listen to to help me, but for awhile I hadn't heard anything that really helped, until yesterday. Yesterday, twice when I got in the car the song "Always" by Building 429 played. Today was even more eventful, but has a bigger meaning.

I was in the car with almost all of the children that were at my house when we found Amberlee in the car, June 28th of 2007. On the way to QT, the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me played. I felt very blessed. This song had also played the previous day on the radio all the way through. I sang it out loud while driving alone in the car, tears streaming down my face. The song really became a prayer for me at that moment. One of the final phrases says "Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow." The phrase is repeated, and as I sang it I realized how much I meant this prayer as I was singing the song.

Today when it played again, the same reaction came to me. I sang the song, along with the girls in my car who also know it, and know why it is special. Well they of course noticed I was crying. I looked back and noticed the same of some of them. Right after this song played...it was like God was playing a soundtrack just for us...because the song..."Always" was then played on KLOVE. At this point there was no hope. Just a bunch of girls in a car, at QT, crying, and thinking about the pain and the loss that we are suffering. Aften, the oldest, told me she was thinking about Amberlee and that it was June. My heart just broke as she tried to smile but I knew she couldn't keep it in much longer. Then she also burst into tears.

These moments are teaching moments. Although I am angry, and feel this emotion...I don't want my children to hate life because of what we've been through. I took the moment to share with them why I like the songs in detail. I explained to them that no matter how bad we feel, the promise of what Christ suffered for us...makes it ok. He knows the pain we are going through, and all we have to do is ask for help. He understands what and why we feel the way we do, and really that should be enough. But he also understands when it is not, and when these time are challenging for even the most spiritual people.

Honestly, I don't feel much like asking for help lately. But I guess the song was a start. Because someone has not only been leaving bandaids (songs) to help me heal from this anger, but also they are leaving neosporin (the shack) to heal the wound. There is a path here I am sure of it...but I just don't know how far or how much more difficult it will be. I realize that I need faith, and prayers to help me through, but I can't always be the one that offers those things. Feel free to help in any way you know how. =)

Thanks again for listening.

ANGRY!

2009-06-01T12:09:00.002-07:00

I have to say...this is harder than last year. I am so down, and so sad. I am very angry with God. Yeah I said it. I've never really been in this spot for any other reason, but right now I am. I really have to be honest here, I think it is important.

This road is a very unfair, unrelenting road. It seems like my friends and family ignore the signs, and the sayings. They want us to "move on". I really wish people would understand that that just doesn't happen. This wasn't the family pet, she was my daughter. I look for her every day. My instinct is to have here her, and somehow my brain hasn't gotten the message she is gone. Sure it sounds great, move on feel better! It is idealistic though. I am more of a realist. I am trying to be true to what I feel. Normally I can get by, pretty upbeat, I am accepting of my plight however dreary it might be at times. Right now I am angry though. Right now I need to have a pity party. Right now I want to scream at people, punch things, and have reckless behavior. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!

I think God understands. I think that he knows why I am struggling, and I am pretty sure he accepts me no matter what. I just don't know how I will get through another 50 years of this though, let alone June. It is only the beginning of the month.

My instinct is to withdraw. I withdraw from friends, I withdraw from life. I don't want to get on Facebook...I don't want to e-mail...I probably won't answer the phone if you call. The crazy part is, I know this is the opposite of what I should do. I just don't want to be bothered by other petty things. Everything else seems so insignificant, my baby died. I don't really care if your sister pissed you off. I don't really care if your kid is driving you crazy. At least you have your kid! At least your kid can drive you crazy. If you baby dies, I will be here for you, I will let you cry...I need to have this time.

If any of my friends and family are listening right now. I am withdrawing, I just have to. If you can push your way in somehow, and try to make me smile sometime this month, that would be great. I can tell you now it will be a challenge. You are going to want to give up, and probably will curse my name. I just don't want all of you to hurt as deeply as I do. I don't want you to see how hard this is for me, and I don't want you to have to feel any of this pain.

So here we go, starting June with anger. I hate that emotion. But it is truly what is happening. Hopefully it will develop into something more beautiful in the end, but right now it is what it is. I hope you can understand. I know you know I am typically much better at dealing with losing Amberlee. I just need to feel this way now.

Thanks for listening.

PS

2 things I just don't want to hear right now.

"You have 5 other beautiful daughters, they need you, they should make you happy."
"You will see her again, it is an eternal family."

Unfortunately those things mean nothing to my heart. I know they are true, but they don't help me to feel better.

Thanks for caring.

99 Days...

2009-04-25T08:36:00.002-07:00

Amberlee lived for 99 days. That statement used to make me feel horrible. Because she couldn't even make it to 100, and because of the guilt over why she didn't make it. Last year those 99 days (one year later) were very difficult. I would often think about how she was alive last year at this point? Was I ignoring her to pay a bill, was I thinking more about myself then her? Did I show her I loved her?

This year is different. Very different. As I cruise through these 99 days I feel a peace encompassing me. The comfort is assuring me that every year this may just get easier. As I look back this year I get the feeling to inhale it in. To remember her smell, and the way her soft little head felt on my shoulder. I am still in awe over how familiar her smell is to me, even though she is gone. This year, those 99 days are a beautiful trip back to my daughter, and the wonderful days I spent with her before she left, no matter how much of a stranger I feel she is becoming; for these 99 days I can remember.

I wonder what this means for the dreaded June 28th & June 29th. Will those days be more difficult? Her Birthday was a challenge this year, will it be the same?

So many questions are left unanswered, and there is too much time to pass before I will see my daughter again. The time seems very long. I know I have a job to do here. I know that there are many things for me to accomplish, and many lives for me to bless by my experience and faith with loss.

This week I have received many compliments about the person I have become through this tragedy. These compliments help so much to bless me and make me feel like I should keep going.

Quite often I wonder, why me? My father died when I was 2 years old! My baby died! Some people go through life without any challenges, but I get 2 of the worst challenges in this life, and I am still young. What sort of challenges do I have yet to face? So why me!!!!! There are times that I think that I would trade the person I am becoming to not have to suffer. If I look at this road honestly though, I wouldn't. I am able to help countless people, and to share my heart with those people. There are many mothers that have lost their children, just like I did, that need a voice. Some simply cannot express their grief, and some just need a hug. Some are just starting on their path, and need a hand to hold along the way.

I pray that God will put more of these beautiful women on my path. I pray that he will inspire me to help them in a way that they need me to help them. I pray that for these next 99 days, I can hear their voices.

If you know of anyone that has lost a baby. Or if you are one yourself, just reading the blog to make some sense of your own tragedy. Please share your story here. Under the words of encouragemnt, please tell me about your baby or your beautiful child. Tell me how you lost your child, but also how your child lived with you. Explain what you remember, and what you miss.

I give you hugs if you are suffering. I wish we didn't belong to this group, but think of the glory we will share in the end.

Thanks again for listening.
Beth

Grateful

2009-04-14T09:15:00.002-07:00

I was thinking today about all of the trials we have been through since Amberlee left us. Honestly, our life seems to be operating like we are running backwards down the hill that we have worked for 10 years to climb. Last week I lost it. You know those days when you feel like you are in the 11th hour, and you cannot handle anymore. Well that was me last week. I called a friend, and I am certain she could only understand 1/2 of what I was saying through my sobs and mumbling. Then I prayed really hard, and I mentioned that we are not supposed to be given more than we can handle. Honestly, with everything, I am on the brink of being given more than I can handle. Well my prayers were answered, and the stress of the challenges seem to be lessening. I have also been blessed to realize something amazing.

Every single trial we are faced with in life brings us blessings. They all give us both minor, and major gifts that are meant to make us grow while we are here. In the society we live in it is easy to dwell on the negative. What we've lost, what we don't have, whatever we can find to complain about. I am certainly not an optimist, and I am certainly not the best at not complaining, but...I am trying to realize these blessings and they are there. They are everywhere. I have to be grateful for those things that I do have, and that is the best way for me to make it through. That is the best way I can inspire others to make it through, with my actions. There is a plan that we don't quite understand...but one day we will look back and realize why...and I am certain we will be impressed at the road it took to complete that plan.

I know we have heard the phrase "Count your blessings!" a million times. The depth of the cliche is often shadowed by the fact that it is a cliche and therefore overused and underappreciated. If we truly try to look at the good that comes from each trial...I think that we will honestly see more good than bad. The gifts for succeeding in this life are even bigger...we just need to hold on to the good things not the bad, and we need to do our best to show this to everyone around us. We need to count our blessings, but to live in a way that eminates that we have absorbed this concept.

Amberlee's Birthday was difficult this year. I really miss her. There are songs that come on the radio, and I cry almost instantly. One in particular "It won't be like this for long" by Darius Rucker, hits me really hard. The song is about new parents dealing with the struggles of their newborn daughter. I cry because it feels like Amberlee will be a newborn forever. I look at her picture and Riesse seems older than her. I don't understand how all of this will work out. But then the song says "one day soon that girl is gonna be...all grown up and gone". I truly hope that one day I will get this chance. I pray that I will get to raise her and see her grow up. Obviously, none of knows exactly what happens when this life is through, but I hope that what I feel in my heart is real, will in fact be real. I hope that it won't be like this for long. In church I've learned that time is an earthly construct, I am looking forward to looking back and thinking, wow, that was hard...but really, the challenges didn't last that long. Also, I am looking forward to know without a doubt that the blessings outweighed the challenges.

Thx again for listening.

Amberlee's 2nd Birthday

2009-03-22T08:54:00.003-07:00

I will write more later, because I have no energy for it now. But today is Amberlee's 2nd Birthday. As I sit here I am imagining all of the things a 2 year old would be doing. I can imagine cute little ponytails sticking straight out. She would be walking, she would probably be running. I am sure she would tell me, "I love you, mommy!". She would be sleeping in a big girl bed, and playing with her sisters as often as she could. I don't know what kind of a child she would have been, because she left too soon for us to know. We miss her, and the loss seems so much stronger today for some reason. I wish I had a textbook to tell me what to expect over the next few years, but instead I learn from day to day. I need the strength of my friends and family, to help me through. That is one thing I have always been certain of.

Please take the time and post your thoughts, comments, love, well wishes, hugs, and memories here. They are much appreciated.

*note: to make a comment click on Words of Encouragement at the bottom of this post...and it will guide you in sharing with us.

Disneyland Part. 2

2009-03-18T15:02:00.002-07:00

The last time I visited Disneyland was June 2007. Do the math, or simply use your memory. That was the same month that Amberlee passed away. It was a wonderful trip, but there is a certain pain that exists from remembering. I am sure that we took pictures of this trip, but we were robbed just after Amberlee died, and we have no pictures to prove we were ever there because our camera was stolen.

It is kind of neat to be able to say, that Amberlee was gone too soon, but she did get to visit Disneyland while she was here. =) I am glad we had that trip. I am bringing it up because of this.

While I was there this weekend, I had to visit the nursing room because I am a nursing mother. I did not have Riesse with me but I needed to pump for her (TMI I know). I sat down in the room, and began working and then I began sobbing. All of a sudden it hit me that the last time I was there I was there nursing Amberlee. I sobbed and sobbed, and I am sure the other mother's were wondering if I was crazy. I guess I am a bit crazy. It was special to know I sat 2 chairs away holding my sweet baby during the short time I had her, but it was sad to know I could not hold her now.

I don't run into many reminders, and usually I like to relish in them and cherish the good times. The emotions I am experience are probably a result of knowing that this weekend is her birthday. Maybe they are just regular human emotions that we try to stiffle. Whatever the reason, it is difficult. I am looking forward to her birthday celebration, but I miss her.

Often I wonder what others' think. I have received comments that I should move on. Recently someone told me to forget that my daughter died (I have never hated someone so much!). I don't feel that I dwell on her, but there is a certain time of year (March thru July) where I miss her a lot, and I feel that pain is wrapping around me. Should I really move on? Is that possible. In my heart I don't believe so, for either question. But in my mind I wonder how much of this is ok. Everyone says that their greatest fear is losing a child, and I am living it. When asked, most people believe they would simply die, and obviously I did not, so I have to live with this.

Is the path really one that I must create on my own? I truly wish that there were more people that would voice their opinion on the road I am travelling. By saying this I mean, encourage me to live with this in the most positive way. I wish people would both support my pain and encourage my strength. Why does this have to be a black or white thing? If people cannot understand, then why don't they try to learn to help and support the new life that I am living.

If you were to ask any mother that lost a child, they would tell you, "I will never be over it." I have a hole in my heart that is always there, and certain songs and memories make me feel that hurt. However, I am making something of this pain, by trying to help those that suffer it along with me. Please accept that I will never be over this. Please hug me when I cry, and ask to cry with me if you see that I need to. If you feel so inclined, please ask me to take you to visit Amberlee's resting place, and help to make light of it. Especially, share memories of her if you have them. Mostly, for those of us who have lost the most precious thing we hold, we simply want to see that we are loved, even though we will never again be the same.

Thanks again for listening.
Beth

Disneyland Part. 1

2009-03-18T14:56:00.002-07:00

One of the biggest struggles that I've faced with the loss of my daughter, is learning to trust again. This trust does not only apply to my husband, but anyone that ever watches Riesse. I struggle to believe that anyone can care for my children as well as I can.

Some friends of mine and I decided about a year ago to go to Disneyland together in March. Well one thing led to another, and I couldn't afford to go. About 3 weeks ago I got a phone call from a friend that told me she was paying for me to go. She said that I needed to learn to leave my baby and trust my husband, and that she wanted me to seriously consider going.

It took me until 2 days before the trip to ultimately decide to go. At that point I was excited, and hopeful that the adventure would be exciting, and I would not feel the fear I so often feel leaving my child without me.

While I was gone, my husband did WAY more than I could ever expect. He took amazing care of my children. They constantly did things, and had fun together despite the fact that I was gone. This has been such a blessing, because now I feel like I can reach out and depend on him and others a little more.

I have to thank my friends for harrassing me and forcing me to go, because I had an amazing time. I hope that we will be able to do it again.

The trip was significant for another reason...but I will get into that in Disneyland Part. 2

A Most Impossible Rainbow...

2009-02-16T18:08:00.005-07:00

Yesterday I did my 1st ever 1/2 marathon. If you read this blog all the way through...you know the story about the rainbows that we see and attribute to Amberlee being near.

The night before the marathon...I added some songs that remind me of Amberlee, and I thought to myself how much I wanted her to be with me for my marathon...and how much I wanted her to see my success.

When we started the marathon we were just strolling along and I looked toward the sky. There was no rain, and only a light mist of clouds that were very far and very high up. I looked several times, kind of in shock...and then asked my friends "Do you see a Rainbow over there?" They looked and said, Yes. Well, like I said, there was absolutely nothing to cause a rainbow...but there definitely was a rainbow.

Sometimes I find these signs hard to believe. Really, I am more of a realist in life and I don't like to make something out of nothing. This one is hard to argue though. How can a most impossible rainbow happen, in circumstances that are scientifically proven not to cause rainbows? Maybe there is another way to create one...but I am pretty sure you have to have the light source behind you (the sun was in front of me), and you also have to have water on the opposite side of you, opposite from the light source (ummm...yeah...no water).

I am officially declaring this rainbow as a gift/blessing from Amberlee, or someone else that can create them. Someone who knew just how much I needed to see a Rainbow on such a significant day in my life. This truly was a GIFT in every way.

As always...thanks for listening.
Beth

The Approach...

2009-02-09T09:27:00.002-07:00

I remember last year...as we were approaching Amberlee's birthday. I was so very scared about what I would feel that day. I remember my friends, at her party, patting me on the should, and saying I am sorry. The days and weeks leading up to her birthday were a nightmare. The unknown is never fun, and this was the least fun of all.

But then her birthday came. It was a beautiful day in every way. Every detail came out perfectly, and I was happy. I remembered the joy that I felt being pregnant with Amberlee. I remember the perfect natural delivery, and how sweet her little face was during my hospital stay. This day of all days, was a blessing for me. It is wonderful when I get a chance to remember the good, and not be drawn down by the bad.

Well here we are again. Approaching Amberlee's 2nd Birthday. Can you believe she would be 2? I can't, I am amazed at how time seems to steal away those memories I would have. I am amazed at how old she is, and how young she seems in pictures. At the same time, I feel she is so much older and wiser than even I am, because she is done with the trials of this unrelenting earth.

We are going to celebrate her birthday this year. When I think about it, why wouldn't I. It was a wonderful day for a wonderful little spirit. As time goes by, I feel that Amberlee becomes a bit of a stranger to me. I am forgetting who she was. This is, like many things are after losing a child, both a blessing and a curse for me. If I don't consistently remember and dwell, then I can move forward in my life until the day I can be with her again. I just wish, that for days like these that I could remember a little bit more. As usual, I am sure some blessing will come my way, and help me even more on that day. But as for now, I am sitting worrying, and wondering how it will be. Will the day once again be amazing?

If you have any ideas for what we can do, please share them in the comments. AS of now, I have only thought of cupcakes, in rainbow colors, with the #2 written on them. Feel free to share anything you come up with, just remember we are being frugal for 2009. =)

Thank for loving me, and listening.
Beth

Poetry to Describe the effects of an Angel

2009-01-17T12:54:00.002-07:00

Our Little Angel
By Michael Ryan

Tell me how a baby girl can live so long, but die so soon. Can you tell me how ice blue eyes and a cute belly laugh can draw so many to her? How about how we are so sad that she left, yet feel nothing but pride for her; a sense that she accomplished what she came for?

Alas, it cannot be put into words. You could tell, though, if you could have seen her. I could spend all day listening to her little laugh. When she cried, the whole world tried to make her smile. She pulled people together, our little angel. My sister, I miss you.

I may never know why you were taken from us, but I do know hundreds mourned your death. I saw the seats of the church filled, the walls lined with people, all the way to the entrance hall, every one of them, people you’ve touched, our little Angel. My sister, we miss you.

I cherished our time with you, but I took it for granted. I never knew you, so innocent and loving, would be taken from us. Your loss left its scars, but your memory gives us life, our little angel. My sister, we love you.

-Dedicated with love to my little sister, Aslyn Paige Tallulah Ryan
February 1, 2003- February 7, 2004
She was loved, and greatly missed.

I ran into this...and cried and cried!

2009-01-05T06:19:00.002-07:00

So...I am doing well...don't worry so much. I ran into something this weekend. Most of you know I was exercising and losing weight when Amberlee died. Well, 2 days ago I was on CalorieKing.com and I was reviewing the bronze level (maybe tmi). Anyway I realized I had a blog on CalorieKing from who knows when. I decided to look it up, not knowing what would be there.

I found the following post...it is from the day before Amberlee died. The bottom section is an update I wrote this weekend. I cannot read this without being drawn to tears. It is both a blessing and a curse because I am happy to be able to look back and see that I am becoming myself again, but I am sad to realize how crappy my life became the very next day. I am sad to realize all that I have been through in these past 18 months. I am glad things are looking better, and for those of you who have also lost babies, I pray that one day you will be able to look back and see that you are making it, despite this long, desperate road we travel on.

I met my husband in college. I worked out regularly, had fun, was very active in life, but then we got married. Work took over, and the activity level after children plummeted. I want to be that person I was in college again. I don't want to lead the current example I am for my girls. I want to learn how to eat right as well as teach them the same. Hopefully if I have good habits, they will not fall into the trap that I have. Currently I have a lot of motivation. My baby is forcing me into a milk free diet because she is allergic. Cheese and chocolate are my worst vices, so without them I have added motivation to succeed. I hope I make it. If I can eat right, and exercies, maybe I can lose 2 lbs a week. If I do that, I could lose 100 lbs in a year. Fortunately I don't have that much to lose, but by the end of the year I could see real results, and learn habits that will improve my quality and quantity of life. Good luck to an active life with my children in the future!!!

Looking at this...the time in my life...it really makes me sad. My daughter that is allergic to milk died right after I wrote this. It changed everything for me and has taken 18 months to get back on track. I am excited to see that my goals are the same...but sad that she will never be here to see it again. I hope that she is watching proudly, knowing that at least in this way...I am getting back to me.

The Tale of Despereaux

2008-12-29T08:20:00.005-07:00

I LOVED this movie. I think almost anyone that is filled with grief could leave it with both hope and inspiration. In short...the movie shows how one's person grief can affect many in both good and bad ways...even in ways they dont realize.

Have fun at the movie!...or you know...read the book if you like that =)

A Christmas Rainbow

2008-12-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

On Christmas morning there was a lot of rain. As we sat down for our Lunch we noticed a beautiful rainbow in the sky, centered nicely behind our house. I don't have to mention anything more about rainbows, they are our symbol that Amberlee is still with us. They feel like Amberlee is nudging us and reminding us not to forget her. It was so special for us to see this rainbow, on Christmas, a holiday where we miss her the most.

We love you baby princess, forever!

I found this on Compassionate Friends Website...=)

2008-12-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

MY WISH LIST* I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one'sname. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
* If I cry and get emotional if we talk about my loved one,I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact thatthey died causes my tears. You have allowed me to cry and Ithank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing
* I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. Iwish you wouldn't think that if I have a good cry my grief is allover, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
* Being Bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn'tstay away from me.
* I wish you knew all the "crazy" grief reactions that I amhaving are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, fear,hopelessness and a questioning of values and beliefs are to beexpected following a death.
* I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in 6months. The first few years are going to be exceedinglytraumatic for me. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" ora "formerly bereaved", but forevermore be recovering from mybereavement.
* I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. Imay gain weight, lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all,develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of whichare related to my grief.
* Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their deathand the holidays can be terrible times for us. I wish you couldtell us that you are thinking of us and them on these days. Andif we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinkingabout them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
* I wish your wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or toa party, this is a temporary crutch and the only way I canget through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurtbefore I can heal.
* I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am notthe same person I was before my beloved died and I will never bethat person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to myold self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with newthoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try toget to know this different me -- I'm the one who'll be here from now on.
--Author unknown

Changing my tune...

2008-12-17T08:55:00.004-07:00

The 1st couple of weeks of the Holiday Season were ok for me. NO major drama...I was excited, happy even to approach them. I felt like this year would be different and things were looking up, and then it hit me.

I put up my decorations late. I didn't put them all up last year. This year I didn't have time. The day I completed them all, I sat down to relish in the spirit and instead of pure Joy I felt something much different. Sadness encompassed me as I began to think about my sweet baby and what she is not looking at or experiencing this year. I wondered if she would be pulling on my Christmas tree, trying to touch the lights. As I tried to think that I might be mad at this I instantly realized that I want her here to do it. I want her here to break ornaments and wander around my house in awe of the changes that the Holidays bring. I want to hear her little voice, and see her smile when she looks at Santa. But I won't get this, the gift I want most of all, will not come for me in this lifetime.

Since that day the Holidays have been difficult. I try to take my anger out when I am exercising. I began jogging recently, and when it is hard to breathe and it hurts, I can push myself because I push my pain into it, and it helps. I am stuck in a conundrum though. I don't really want to celebrate because Amberlee won't be with us. However, I want to enjoy the Season for my other children.

Friends and Family have called and ask how I am doing. I tell them...o.k. and they sense something. Most of them ask what is wrong. I don't want to be rude, but I wish they could be empathetic and try to understand what I am missing. The Holidays are about family, but my family is not complete right now. We are missing one person, and it makes all the difference.

I am dreading Christmas Morning. I picture my children coming out to open their presents and get their stockings. I can see it now in my mind...all of the stockings will be hung and stuffed, all but one. Amberlee's stocking will sit all by itself, still hanging unremoved from the fireplace, empty. It seems so wrong, but this is the life that we have now. I realize there will be Joy in the upcoming Holidays...I just wish it were possible that that Joy could be more full.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. I changed the songs on my blog for the season. I heard "Where Are You Christmas" by Faith Hill the other day, and it seemed to fit the emotions that are consumming me. The song ends with hope which is where I feel I am most of the time. I am sure that one day Christmas will have the same magic it once did. Right now, I guess we are simply trying to redefine what we experience.

A Letter from Maria Beth Chapman, about her loss and Christmas

2008-12-13T12:58:00.005-07:00

I am sure that some of you know, Steven Curtis Chapman (a prominent gospel singer) lost his daughter this year, when her brother accidentally ran her over in their driveway. Their hearts and faith are amazing. Their situation, is similiar to our own, and their suffering appears to mirror ours as well. While their beliefs are slightly different...they are still very close to my own. Steven's wife, Mary Beth Chapman, published a Christmas letter that had a very touching description of Mary (the mother of Christ), and what she might have felt as she knew what would happen to her son.

I can only imagine knowing throughout the brief time that we had, that Amberlee was going to die. How would that change us? I would hope that I would be the same mother, but I am certain I would have cherished the smaller moments much more. I was inspired by Mary Beth's thoughts, and I felt it was best to share them here. I wish you all Happy Holidays...I am here for you if you need me, just ask.

Beth

As I anticipate Christmas 2008, I have many thoughts flying through my heart and head. The last several days, my mind has not been able to stop thinking about Mary, the mother of Jesus. Pregnant and scared, knowing that the baby she was carrying eventually would pay the ultimate price of His life. How would I have lived differently if I knew that my time with Maria was going to be this short? Regretfully, I would have lived much differently. I would have purposely hugged and kissed more. I would have tried to memorize and lock away in my heart certain smells and smiles. I would have colored more and worked less. I would have laughed more and fussed less. Bedtime wouldn’t have become a chore to check off the list of things to get done. Instead it would have been more of an opportunity to listen about the day and offer whatever words were needed. The swimming pool wouldn’t have been too cold to swim in. The flowers in the garden would have all been picked, and definitely more ice cream would have been consumed!

I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son’s death. I know she saw him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would she him again, but she was still his mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore she was chosen to be Jesus’ mom. But because God favored Mary, she was also chosen to suffer. Not just at the crucifixion, but her whole life. She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb, be persecuted and give birth in a dirty stable. Most of the time at Christmas we end the story there…. in the stable, with Mary, Joseph and Jesus receiving their company. Wise men, shepherds, and angels - you get the picture in your head right? The star, the animals, the Nativity! What about the rest of it? Mary, mothering the Son of God! She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see him suffer and thus she too would suffer. I think when Mary was hiding things in her heart; it was a lot more than the reality of whom she carried in her womb. I am certain that she was hiding away the memories of first smiles and steps, as well as the first tears and tumbles. Knowing what was to come, did Mary have the opportunity to live differently as a mom to her little boy? I believe she did. I am sure that she watched him differently, taught him differently, and prayed differently. I can only imagine the discussions that she and Joseph would have when their son wasn’t listening, how they probably begged God to let the cup pass from them, but in the end yielding up the prayer we all hesitate to pray when it comes to our children…. Your will be done. UGGHH!!!! I don’t want to. I didn’t want to on May 21st, and I still don’t want to now. Yet somehow we did, and somehow we will continue to. I am reminded more than ever this Christmas, that it doesn’t end at the Nativity in Bethlehem in a cozy manger… it is a journey all the way to the cross on the hill in Golgotha on Good Friday.

Christmas for the Chapmans this year represents suffering. For that matter, from here on may we always remember that it represents the ultimate suffering that came. But isn’t it amazing that it is called GOOD Friday? Why is it good if it is full of suffering? Because Easter came on Sunday and what Satan intended for evil, God intended for GOOD! Christmas ultimately ends at Easter and the reality that we will see Maria again! If we are to live as Christ, then we will suffer like Christ. I am thankful this Christmas more than ever for Easter. When all the questions I have will be answered and all the tears I have will be wiped away. Until then, Merry Christmas with the reality that Easter came and all of this suffering will some day be gone in a moment, and all things will become new and right and awesome!

Thanks for your prayers during this journey. It isn’t an easy one and your love and support is continually needed. May you be richly blessed for gracing us with your love.

Longing to be washing dishes in heaven with Maria,Mary Beth for all the Chapman family.

Another Mother's Strength

2008-12-05T08:10:00.002-07:00

Every once in awhile I read something from another mother that inspires me on my journey. All stories inspire me actually, but some just hit the right spot in my heart. I am happy to share with you Lisa's Strength. Everytime we think, "Oh, I have it so bad."; evertime we have a pity party. We have to realize that there are others that have suffered more than us. If they can have the strength to move on...than so can we. This is a long and difficult road, but we can walk it togther.

Here is Lisa's Wish for Hope:

My story of Hope. I found MISS in March of 05 right after I lost my 4th child. My son Peyton was born still at 21 weeks from a true knot in his cord. I never knew things like this could happen I have 3 living children and never had any issues with those pregnancies and was in total devastation that something like this could happen to our family. The blame the guilt you name it we lived through it all.

We knew right away that we wanted to try again ASAP and were assured that this was a fluke and chances of another stillborn were very slim so with that information we started trying again. We found ourselves pregnant again in Aug 05 only to miscarry at 6weeks again why me questions but no answers.

So here we go again we had been trying add a 4th living child to our family since 03 with no luck. In April of 06 we were pregnant again around 12 weeks I started bleeding heavy and was sent home from the hospital to miscarry only I didn’t turned out I had placenta previa my Beautiful daughter Lilly was growing strong and right on target. On Dec 6th 2006 I had what would turn out to be my last Dr’s appt.Lilly sounded great and we were scheduled to be induced on Dec 20th My husband’s birthday she was coming 3 weeks early since we lost Peyton my Dr wanted her here as soon as we hit 37weeks . 37 weeks never came 2 days later I could not get Lilly to move I knew in my heart she was gone. Lilly was born still on Dec 8th 2006 at 36 weeks reasons unknown my perfect beautiful rainbow baby gone. How could this happen you told us the odds were 95% that we would bring her home why us again what had we done to have 3 babies die in a row.We buried Lilly 1 week before Christmas my entire family destroyed no reason to go on in my eyes why did my living children need me I had failed their brother and sister and would surely fail them to. Days turned into months and months.We started talking about trying again had we totally lost our minds yes!!!! our hearts and arms ached for another child could we risk losing another child that was a chance we decided to take. 11 months after Lilly died I got that BFP the anxiety started on day 1 I just knew that we doomed that this baby to would die. The weeks went by and baby bean was growing and growing. I had a million Dr’s appt and a Set date to be induced 34 weeks regardless this child was coming even if that meant nicu time.

June 25th 2008 Our Beautiful Son Cooper William was born ALIVE and CRYING I have never felt so many emotions all in one. To hear those cries after 2 silent births was the most amazing sound in the world!!I know the pit that all of you are in right now the despair you are living with but without hope what do we have? I never gave up HOPE when many would have stopped and thier dream would have died with them and now my arms are filled.Please know that one day you to will have reasons to HOPE you will be able to smile again at the little things.All of you are the strongest women I have ever met.Hugs, Lisa

Jay the Phoenix Real Estate Guy

2008-11-20T06:24:00.004-07:00

There is a blog by the Phoenix Real Estate Guy. He made some comments right after Amberlee died, and everyone on the blog followed suit. It got pretty deep seated in hatred. Well I tried to talk to Jay, the Phoenix Real Estate Guy, and eventually it got through. People were so mean, and causing so much trauma to Kyle and I, he shut down the posting, after I posted a rather strong comment against the haters.

Today I got an e-mail in my inbox. It was from that blog again. So often I fear opening these because I never know if the comment is filled with hate or love. This one was filled with love, from somebody that has lost a family member the same way. Her letter follows:

My nephew died the same way. On August 13 2008. He was 3 years old. My mom forgot him in the car. She never took him to daycare before, but this day was different. People hate us. But you know what... Really, we are ok with that. I'd much rather have everyone hate us than to EVER know what it is that we are going through. I cannot get mad or upset with any of them. But you know what... It really hurts to get online and read the blogs of others, those who talk about something that they dont even know about. They say "That grandmother was on drugs" or "I bet she didnt forget her smokes"... To tell you the truth, it could happen to anyone. My mom does not smoke, drink, do any type of drug and she's the kind of person who wont even move the car unless I am buckled in and I'm 21. She is by far the most caring person in the world. She has given everything to everyone. And she still gives. ..

To the family of Amberlee, I am so sorry and I can relate to what you are going through. I remember when I first heard about your story... I judged ya'll. Wrongly, I know that now. How I wish I didnt. But I know now. I'm sorry.

For someone who takes even the best care of their child has the ability to forget. And also... Find a way to make sure you dont forget... I know that there are those out there who say... I know I wont... You know what... Maybe you wont, but does it hurt to have a back up plan?They now have this thing that you put in the baby seat that sends out an alarm to your keychain if there is weight in the seat and you walk away. It could very well save your childs life.

As for us, my family... We are working hard to make sure that this slows. Our goal is to keep kids from dying in car related accidents. Now there are things that we cannot help, but for everything else, we plan to do whatever we can to get the word out. FOR EVERYONE. Even if we save just ONE child, we will have accomplished something. Please everyone Love your babies. And take the time to REMEMBER. And know, Accidents happen... Plan for accidents. Catch them before you make them.

Thank you Nancy, for sending usgood thoughts. I agree with you. I would rather people hate me than to have to go through what I am going through. Ultimately though, I wish they would understand more than they judge.

Love to all!
Beth

It's Been Awhile...

2008-11-18T08:03:00.002-07:00

I know it has been a while since I have written. Most days I feel great, like I am really doing better and on the road to be my new self. Normal, if I can ever call myself that again. I realize more and more that the sense of normalcy may never again exist though. I also realize that this burden will never quite leave. That is ok...I feel it is important to find blessings from tragedy...and I am on my quest to help others that suffer this same fate.

Lately I am taking on more of the household duties. This is something I have been crippled on since Amberlee passed away. Kyle is wonderful, and he helps and picks up where I simply can not, but I feel guilty and want so bad to do better and help more. Mostly I focus on the girls, and their routine, homework, and needs, but lately I am adding dishes, laundry, and cleaning as well. This week I even began exercising in the same way I did when all of thise trauma started.

I know to the naked eye this might not seem like much. Unfortunately it is to me. It brings up memories, flashbacks, and emotions that are hard to swallow. I struggle to move forward day to day, but I know that I have to. I have to do better not only for myself, but for my family. I've eliminated the dwelling on the past aspect, but some things I cannot control.

Lately music is affecting me. A song will come on and I will be drawn to tears by a trigger in the song. Then I will remember her, and think about what she might be doing. I wonder how many people can understand this, if they have never been through such a loss. I wonder how many of my friends and family can understand that every once in awhile it feels like that pain is fresh again.

I honestly think I am doing well. Please don't believe that the negativity of this shows that I am not. I just need a little support to help me on the path right now. But isn't that what life is about. Holding a friend's hand when we know they need it. Helping people be guided toward a brighter tomorrow.

As always, thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Beth

Halloween

2008-10-31T15:19:00.002-07:00

Holidays were so difficult last year...and I really felt that things were better...that things were not so difficult. I got ready for halloween this year and got the girls ready and thought nothing of it.

Then the day came. I was almost paralyzed with fear this morning. I did not want to get out of bed...I especially did not want to go to the girls' school to volunteer. It seems like volunteering was something I did with Amberlee. The year I was pregnant with her was my best year...I had so much fun doing it...the students even looked forward to when I would come into class and talk to them. Then I delivered Amberlee...and I was blessed to still have the energy and time allowance to go to the school, but then Amberlee was gone.

Now I feel like I don't want to volunteer at all. The school probably reminds me of her more than anything. It is exactly the same as it was when I was there pregnant with her. The same smells, the same sights...the same teachers. I can barely bear to enter the school without her...and I am not sure if I will ever get past this.

I called a friend this morning...to ask her to help me figure this out. I wanted to be there for my other children...but I couldn't muster the courage. Unfortunately my friend did not have the time this morning...it being Halloween and all...to talk in depth. You know what though...I was extremely grateful when I got to the school and right as I was exiting the car my phone rang. It was my friend. Checking up on me...and trying to help me with my decision. It meant a lot that even though she could not talk to me right then...she did call me back to make sure I was o.k.

I did make it to the school...I have no profound insight on it though, because although I enjoyed seeing my children in their classrooms and taking pictures...I feel too disconnected to actually enjoy being there. My emotions are so strong I even considered putting them in another school. I hope that time will help...but I am not sure it will. If you are praying for anything for us right now...please pray that I will one day have the strength to volunteer again. I know how much this will benefit my girls...not just them but also their education.

Thanks for travelling this road with me.

Happy Halloween!

Pictures from Phoenix Children's Memorial 2008

2008-10-28T11:58:00.003-07:00

The memorial service was good. I am glad Kyle & I went. The speakers shared personal stories about their own losses, and experienced medical professionals shared the influence our children have on an eternal perspective of learning to heal. Here are the pictures that I took to remember the Memorial Service. It is the last of our Memorials. My favorite part was the Bagpipes. It was amazing to hear them in honor of my child. I also enjoyed the music tremendously. They chose songs that I never thought to put toward our tragedy, but I am always happy to hear another song that can both remind me and help me to move forward in life.

An Encounter with her name...

2008-10-27T14:17:00.003-07:00

A month or so ago I volunteered at a School book fair for my children. I was excited to start volunteering again, and I jumped at the opportunity because I enjoy the book fair so much. I was doing fine the first day. I even left excited for the next day, and then the next day came.

I went to the book fair like normal. Sat down, and got ready to ring the orders for the children. The other volunteer that would sit next to me...sat down, and another Mom came up to speak to her. Side note: I feel like I am out of the loop, rarely getting a change to speak to other Moms or even to volunteer, but I feel like I will never quite "fit" in again. A year passed by and I never went to the school...it was like the year just was sucked out of my life...Digressing......

Well this other Mom asks my helper, "So how is Amberly doing this year?".
What?
Did she just say that?
Panic struck...and I couldn't breathe. I am lucky...I chose a very unique name for Amberlee...and until now I have NEVER run into it. I was stopped dead in my tracks when this Mom said this to my helper. I instantly began to cry...and shake...I didn't know how to escape in the chair I was in...I had nowhere to go.

Shortly after the helper was done with her conversation and she immediately looked at me...she introduced herself...but unfortunately I am certain I will NEVER remember her name because I was in shock. I put one finger up and gestured that I needed her to hold on while I got myself together, and then I apologized. I said "I am sorry but do you have a daughter named Amberly?"...she smiled and she said yes...as if that was not enough...she gestured to Amberly and had her come over to me as she introduced her.

This beautiful 10 year old girl had no idea why I appeared afraid of her. I was grateful to see her short and very blonde hair and blue eyes (opposite of my Amberlee). I was also grateful when she showed me the spelling of her name. But I sat there with a flood of emotion and flashbacks that I try to suppress on my best days.

I explained to the Mom, so she wouldn't think I was absolutely Crazy, just slightly. I said my daughter's name was Amberlee and she passed away. She then said..."All my friends called me to warn me, I wanted to meet you." She apologized for my loss, and wanted to listen to the story. I was a little upset...I am not happy that people are talking about me and our situation...but I guess it is common place. I just wish they would talk to me. It seems like people at the school don't even realize something happened.

I guess some things I just can't prepare for. I never know when something will trigger an emotion...and I cannot prepare for the worst of emotions that I am experiencing. I wish this were different...it would be much easier to deal when I have time. Meeting Amberly was a blessing and a curse. The event of meeting her was horrible, but now I look at her when she walks by at the school and I can smile. I remember my baby...and I think...Wow...one day, in another life I might get to see her grow to be just as beautiful as this girl.

I am always grateful to find hope despite the sorrow I feel.

Sisterhood...& Baby John

2008-10-21T22:45:00.007-07:00

After Amberlee left us for heaven not many people would talk about her. Almost Nobody had the courage to come up to me and ask anything about her, or how I was doing. People were simply too afraid to say anything to me, for fear they would hurt me...I desperately wanted to hear it though. I wanted people to hurt me if they must, but just SAY HER NAME!

Well there was one person who did not know me well, but she had the courage to say her name. Easter weekend Ashley was in my ward, visiting family. I recognized her from afar, and I was excited to talk to her as I had not seen Ashley in years. I only heard about her in passing from family members, and I knew some of what Ashley had experienced in life, but not a lot.

I left the main Sacrament Room to sit on a more comfortable couch, I was pregnant with Riesse and uncomfortable. (I am reminded I also needed a snack.) Ashley sat nearby me, she was also pregnant (but looked much better than I). I talked to her a bit, and we remembered each other and caught up a bit. But what amazed me the most is that Ashley asked me about Amberlee. This person, who barely knew me, remembered my daughter, and had the courage to ask me about Amberlee. It meant more to me than most memories of that year, and it still does.

I wish the story ended here, but little did I know, a little over a month later, Ashley would endure the same fate as I...when her soon to be born son was lost all too soon.

I have no doubt in my mind that our meeting was not a coincidence. I am certain that the paths our lives take are meant to lead us to those people that can influence us, or help us to grow. I have no doubt that Ashley was supposed to be in church that day, to tell me what she did, so that I could remember and be grateful to her. Grateful that she was one of the only people that dared to ask about my daughter that she knew was in heaven. I am glad that I can help her to grow through her loss, and I can be here for her because of mine.

I truly believe that this is what is meant by sisterhood. Together we can use our experiences to bring compassion for those that cannot see where this tragedy might lead them. Once I have walked the road alone, I can better hold someone's hand to try and keep them from falling while we travel together toward a happier place.

Thanks a million, Ashley!

A Tree for Amberlee

2008-10-18T22:15:00.004-07:00

Kyle's brother Kevin and his wife Denise planted this tree for Amberlee today. Their almost 4 your old son Gregary was a big help as well. It is so precious...a little baby tree that we just can't wait to see grow. We are so grateful for their expression of support, and memory of Amberlee. We'll keep you updated as the tree grows.

Thanks Kevin, Denise, & Gregary...we can't wait to see it in person!

October 15th

2008-10-16T08:05:00.004-07:00

Shalayne...from Junior/High School...Thanks for coming!

Trevor & Zegee (We met them at M.I.S.S.), we were remembering their son Diego as well, he passed away due to complications after a car accident. Zegee was in in her 7th month of pregnancy, when the accident occurred, and he lived 1 day.

Shauna, Crazy as ever...this is her "Cheerleader" pose.

Me & Kyle...Oh and my FAT arm, LOL

Mike & Riesse...honestly, she was the highlight of our night...what a cutie!

Carrie...She is thinking about New Kids On The Block, hence the Smile.

Rich the entertainer...

His better 1/2, Sommer, and Lilly

Their Family, minus the 2 that weren't there.

Note: Alicia & Justin came as well but I have to edit their picture...Michelle showed up too, she also lost a baby, Amber, after a fatal birth defect took her life shortly after birth.

For October 15th we invited our family and friends to Claim Jumpers for desert and talking. The day was actually a nice day of rememberance. Sometimes it is difficult to focus on the good, when you are surrounded by grief and sorrow, but October 15th felt to me like a day I could focus on just Amberlee, and not all the end stage sadness that happened in her life. Kyle and I decided that this is the day we will remember Amberlee with our friends and family, from now on. At this point we feel that Amberlee's "Heaven Day" & "Birthday" will now be more of a private family thing. Having said that...I feel somewhat pressured by others to "move on". Although I will not be "moving on" I can respect that others don't quite feel the pain in the same way...I understand that they don't comprehend because they have not been through it. I am happy that they have not been through it, regardless of my need to have them acknowledge my daughter.

Divorce Statistic is WRONG!

2008-10-09T14:45:00.003-07:00

I hope that everyone who reads this can have hope that their relationship is not destined to fail based on the statistics that our friends love to rant off. I was told many times that 50% even up to 75% of couples divorce after they lose a child. This simply is not true, and I find comfort in knowing that my fight...is worth the battle.

I ran across an article that said this awhile ago...someone asked me to post it here so I am now posting it.
http://sids-network.org/experts/divorse.htm

Furthermore...I posted these comments on the M.I.S.S. Forum for Bereaved Families and Dr. JoAnne Cacciatore commented as follows...

"I've just published an article in a peer reviewed journal with DeFrain and Jones' regarding couples after the death of a baby. Another article is being published in Birth: Issues in Perinatal Care and demonstrates that most mothers rely most heavily on their partner, this being the most important variable in maternal anxiety and depression.Most couples do not divorce shortly after a child's death. The numbers are approximately 10% though it is difficult once you control for time (longitudinally 30% or more couples eventually divorce anyway, non-bereaved). In many couples, this experience brings them closer."

This is wonderful news...and all of us that experience the loss of a child can now rest at ease and focus on what needs to be focused on, our families and getting back to life with loss.

A Gorilla's Grief...

2008-10-06T10:55:00.002-07:00

I ran across this article and thought is was interesting. I was actually intrigued by it. This poor Gorilla's 3 months old baby boy (sound familiar), died in her arms...and she held him and grieved over him for days. Zoo visitors watched her emotions in tears, as she mourned the loss of her baby and continued to look at him hoping he would somehow spring back to life

I apologize for the content that is listed on the side bar, but the article is good...if you can just keep your focus there.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1046549/A-mothers-grief-Heartbroken-gorilla-cradles-dead-baby.html

A precious gift...

2008-10-03T08:30:00.006-07:00

I heard about the website "To Write Their Names In Sand" but I hadn't yet contacted them. The sweet woman that runs the site lost her son in January. In a dream...she saw 3 children running on a beach and they stopped in the distance and they were writing something in the sand. As she approached the children ran away...and she saw what they wrote...it was the names of her 3 children. If you e-mail her on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, she will write the name of your child that has passed in the sand for you.

I intended to e-mail her...but yesterday I got an e-mail from her. She was grateful that I made the M.I.S.S. Conference video...and she had a present for me. I opened the link and there it was...

Sweet Carly had written Amberlee's name in the sand for me...I started crying instantly...and could not stop for several minutes...In fact I am crying as I write this. It is just so precious. I am touched when others show they love, even this much. I am even more touched by a stranger that can show this kind of love.

Thank you Carly...for bringing all of our angels...Alive again...by writing their names on the sand!

M.I.S.S. Conference Video!

2008-09-30T17:36:00.003-07:00

I made this video out of pictures from the M.I.S.S. Conference...honestly it is my 1st video ever...but I think it turned out ok...I hope you enjoy it.

If there are any pictures you would like for yourself feel free to e-mail and describe the picture...I will try my best to get it to you.

As always...you want to pause the music at the bottom of the blog in order to hear the music on the video...and not go crazy.

Beth

I need a few moments...

2008-09-29T19:58:00.003-07:00

I apologize that I have not yet posted about the M.I.S.S. Conference. I can say that it was amazing! I loved the experience! As with any experience there was both good and bad, but mostly good. I feel like I need to collect my thoughts and decided what exactly to write. I met so many friends that will now go down this long road with me. I was blessed by their souls, their experience, and their precious babies; all of which are gone much too soon.

I added two amazing songs to the bottom of my playlist. If you cannot see them use the white bar on the side to scroll down. The songs are called Precious Child, and Beauty From Pain. I have to add them as some of the most significant songs in explaining my grief and pain. Please listen to them...and please absorb their words knowing they are bringing me to tears and expressing my innermost grief. If you cannot understand, I am happy, because you don't have to bear this same burden...but if you can...I am happy to be able to share these songs with you as an expression of both our pain.

Love always,
Beth

2 Days to Conference Time!

2008-09-23T12:12:00.003-07:00

First of all...I am soooo excited for Thursday...I feel different emotions. I am wondering if the relief of getting some sort of help will make me cry the whole time. I feel like I am going to walk into the conference and start crying. I picture myself sobbing through the registration...how embarrassing am I. Second of all, I just can't wait to hear what people say... and to relate to others that have experienced a loss like this... and to work with specialists that are trained to help people through the loss of a child. I am contemplating bringing Riesse...I am not sure I can stay the better part of 3 days without her...I hope it works...but things like this have a way of doing that.

Thank you to everyone that keeps asking about the car wash... fortunately our tax refund came just in time to pay the fee. I think someone bigger is watching out for me...heck I'll just say it...Thank You, God for taking care of this for me.

I can't wait to show pictures and explain how it changes me or helps me. I know there are many people that can't attend this year...maybe the pictures will give them the strength and will to do it next year.

18 Months

2008-09-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

The day came and went and it wasn't too bad. I went out with some friends at night...and overall the day was so busy I couldn't dwell...this is a good thing. I wish more people would call and tell me they are thinking about me...or her. I hope they do for the two year...I am not going to ask them directly though...because then it is not sincere. I know I am high maintenence in regards to this...I just really need to feel the love of others...it helps me get by...it makes me feel like there is a reason to keep trying. I hope this is understandable...because I understand people are uncomfortable with talking about it...but saying you care is a whole different thing. Am I right/wrong here?

My newest blessing is screaming for attention...I'll chat more later.

Love Beth

Tomorrow...She would be 18 months old...=(

2008-09-21T20:04:00.004-07:00

Kyle pointed out to me on Saturday that Amberlee would be 18 months old now. Well he was slightly wrong, because that date is actually tomorrow. I was kind of frustrated that he said this. I probably would have flown by it and realized it the next day or so...once I was past the date and no longer would be as affected. Now I am sitting here...and have spent the weekend thinking about it. About her. About how much I have forgotten, and long to remember.

I looked at a picture of her, that was a different angle and realized that it caught a different glimpse of her in it. A minor detail...that means slightly more now. Its just the little details that my memory has robbed me of. They seem so precious once you have lost a child though. I guess in a way it is a blessing, because dwelling on those details is part of what stops me in life. I try to remind myself that I have forgotten some of the same details for my children that are still with me...but somehow that doesn't comfort me as much as it should. I contemplate whether I am a good mother, if I am forgetting what little time I had. Maybe this is part of the veil...that exists to allow us to focus on the things that are more important right now.

I have felt much better lately. I guess the month long sadness...last month... was something I needed. I am getting by much better now. I can only assume that today will be sad though. 18 months is one of my favorite ages. The babies start talking at that age, and they are so cute and innocent still. They can walk around, and sometimes even show affection by saying I love you. I wish Amberlee was 18 months old! I would love to see her hair longer, her cute smiles, and hear what her voice would sound like. I would love to see her comically wobble through our house, barely able to hold a toy, but still managing. I know she will be 18 months old for me one day...when I pass on and see her in my next life. Again though...this is less comforting than it sounds.

I really wish I had more pictures, or even a video. We went to Disneyland at the beginning of the month that Amberlee died in. We took her with us...so she did get to go to Disneyland & Knotts Berry Farm. I think that is such a fun fact. We have no pictures though. Some people robbed us right after her death...and they took our video camera (and all our videos) as well as our cameras which probably contained the memory card with Disneyland on it. I can remember sitting on a bench and feeding her in several locations...and people always told me she was so beautiful. Sometimes I wonder...if they knew what happened...how they would think or feel.

I still haven't stopped missing a child. Everywhere we go I count...and when I get to 5 I always begin to panic because I don't see the 6th...but then I remember...she isn't here. It is simple reminder...as if we needed one. I just wish it wasn't so often.

Hopefully I will get a chance to visit the Temple tomorrow...or even her gravesite. Both would be amazing...but time is confined betweeen the errands that must be done...and the fact that I always have another little person with me. It is a great blessing to be able to say that...I know I have been given more than I deserve.

When I go to bed tonight and say my prayers...I'll ask for more strength...as I know many of you are doing for me. I'll ask for a comforting presence to help me through. I may even ask to feel Amberlee with me for a moment...maybe for once I will see her smile back at me or even in my dreams, rather than just feel her. These moments are few and far between...I cherish every one.

Good night...till morning.
Please leave well wishes if you feel so inclined. They mean a lot to all of us.

You can always leave a comment by clicking on the pink area at the bottom of every post...where it says "words of encouragement".

Phoenix Children's Hospital, 2007 Memorial, Update

2008-09-19T15:48:00.004-07:00

These are my submissions for the Phoenix Children's Hospital Memorial.

I am still not sure if I am going. I am thinking about it. The scrapbook page and picture were due today, and I drove with Kelli to the hospital to submit them. I am glad I did that much, but I am still undecided. Interestingly only a couple hundred children die at that hospital each year. Any loss is sad, but I thought that it would be much more. Obviously more children are saved than are lost and that is a good thing. It seems a little easier to attend if there are less than 200 families there. Please comment if you have an opinion on the matter.

Sometimes I just come here...

2008-09-17T17:58:00.002-07:00

Sometimes when I feel sad or miss Amberlee...I go to her website just to listen to the music, and look back on pictures or memories. It is like a scrapbook in ways, of all they things she has left me before, during, and after the 3 short months I had her. In no way does it take that away, but I hope that the music and the atmosphere can bring comfort to others.

I just felt like saying this...as today and yesterday have been less than desireable? I am trying to keep busy to stay positive...sorry if you are missing my posts.

Beth

Broken Pitcher

2008-09-09T20:26:00.004-07:00

Angie Smith suggested on her blog that anyone suffering a loss such as this should break a pitcher and glue it back together as therapy. There is a lot of symbolism in doing this. During the week of the Anniversary of Amberlee's death I bought a pitcher. I went outside, to the exact place in the driveway that she was in when she was hurt, and I took a pitcher in a pillowcase and smashed it. At 1st I didn't hit it very hard, and got little result. The 2nd time I gave it a good smack, and it shattered. It felt awesome breaking it in that place, very rewarding. It was not very fun glueing it together. I came up with many ideas for the symbolism of the pitcher though.

1. One side does not look very bad, but the other side looks horrid. It is similiar to how people see me or how I allow them to see me now. On the surface, and from one side of me I look like I am doing well, but on another side of me...it is difficult to bear this burden.

2. The 1st pieces I put together were really challenging to find matches for. I was not sure what I was doing, or even how to do it. These pieces, once put together did not look or even feel as good as the rest. This is similiar to time since Amberlee died. The beginning was challenging and I was not sure, but I am getting used to it and trying to figure it out.

3. The handle, is broken. It did not stay together as one piece. It is no longer able to support the pitcher on its own. This could mirror my support system. It has changed...and I can no longer rely on one piece of it to keep me up.

4. I put together my pitcher 1st, and then we did another. I was able to help the other family member because of my experience. I think this is pretty self explanatory.

5. The pitcher does not seem as beautiful as it was before, but in a way it is more beautiful. It is now a work of art, and there is character that was not present before it was broken. Again, self explanatory. I am changed as well.

6. When I broke the pitcher I could not see it because it was in a pillowcase as it was shattering. It did not matter though, it shattered anyway. I had to put it back together again. I could not see as my life was shattering either, and regardless, I still have to pick up the pieces.

7. There are pieces missing, and they always will be missing...there is nothing I can do to put them back where they were before.

8. There is no 2nd chance to break the pitcher. 1 try only, and I have to figure it out from here. I will not get a 2nd chance to make this wrong right again.

9. Pieces fell apart all over my house and driveway. In a way, they left a mark, and will always be part of my home. Amberlee did too, and was there as well.

10. I feel that the vase was stronger before I broke it. The glue cannot make it better now, or ever as strong as it was. Liquid will now pour through the vase, without support. I cannot hold back my tears now. I cannot hold them as simply as before. I am weaker in some ways because of the loss I have sustained.

If you ever have to break a vase in honor of a loss in your life...I hope that it can heal you the same as it has for me. It definitely helped me to rethink some things, and to see myself in the way I am after tragedy. I am grateful to Angie for suggesting it, and I hope that she enjoys seeing my vase, as well as my repair.

Pennies From Heaven...

2008-09-09T17:37:00.003-07:00

So this morning Camille smiles and comes up to me for a hug...like she does almost every morning. I simply adore cuddles from anyone. Then she floored me...

"Mommy, I found a penny in my Bed from Amberlee, and I put it in my treasure box!"

We explained to our kids that when they find a penny pick it up, it is a penny from heaven that somebody sent them because they were thinking of them. Also, Camille and I made a treasure box as a project because she is alone during the day. So obviously this was a treasure for her.

I asked Camille, so did you dream about her too. She said "Yes! We played kitchen and I made food for Amberlee."

These little moments are precious. I adore every single one.

Need I say more.

Amberlee's 1st Birthday, March 22, 2008

2008-09-08T21:17:00.002-07:00

A lot of people have asked about Amberlee's Birthday. We did it before I started this blog, but I thought it was such an amazing event that I wanted to share it despite the fact that it is nearly 6 months later. I hope you enjoy the beauty of the celebration. Basically, we all got together with enough balloons for everyone there. The girls made cards for each balloon, with a little heart on each card. Everyone who wanted to...wrote a message to Amberlee and attached it to the balloon. At the end of the party we released the balloons and sent them to Amberlee in Heaven. It was an amazing sight to see her colors flying together toward her. Of course there was wind on this day, as there always is when we are thinking of her.

We also had a birthday cake, which I couldn't make, it was just too difficult. It was fun to celebrate this day, and it brought even more peace into our lives, to celebrate her life on a day that we could. It was sad not having her there, but friends and family have a way of making up for that.

Enjoy the show...Beth

UPDATE: I just got this message from a friend...and it really made me happy...I thought I would share.

Oh my Gosh!! I was looking at your blogs...great recipes by the way, that I can not wait to try! And realized that we saw Amberlee's balloons. I was preparing to host Easter, and my Father-in-Law was here. We watched them drift off slightly to the North but mostly to the East, I was amazed at how many there were and what beautiful colors that were chosen!!What a great way to celebrate her first Birthday with your friends and family.
A very nice tribute to her!!
Have a great night!
Doni

Then another friends said this.

strange how everything is connected
i'm sure thousands of people were amazed by them!

The Good & The Bad, sometimes end in tears...

2008-09-03T15:23:00.003-07:00

Read This Post 1st, and then the next Post

So today was amazingly difficult and beautiful. I'll explain why...in order...so you can understand why I appreciate it, but feel that I needed to be reminded of why we are here with tears of pain and gratitude at the same time.

I have NEVER been a believer of small prayers. I am actually quite cynical of people who pray over such things as grocery lists, plumbing, what they should wear. The last one is a stretch I know but it only shows my previous cynicism. Today I decided that I will believe in those things when I had an AHA moment that forced me to stop denying their strength.

I have a bike rack attached to my Expedition. I tried to go to Walmart today but as I got out 4 Mexican men began speaking in Spanish to each other (part of which I understood), while they were staring at the bike rack on my vehicle and smiling. I assume they were not looking at my cute tooshie (because it just isn't), and figured out they were discussing stealing my bike rack. I have a good intuition about things so I just left instead of going into Walmart.

I got frustrated being trapped by the bike rack, but I tried to pull it off and I couldn't get it. So I called a friend, Ed, who told me to ask God to help me. I laughed at him thinking he was mocking me and then I explained that I don't believe God answers prayers like that, he has better things to do with his time. He then said, maybe you should pray nobody will steal it then...I said, No thanks, I just don't think that is what prayer is for. Well Ed told me that he would pray for me, because he knew I wasn't going to do it myself.

I hung up the phone, picked up the same tool I was using previously and tried the bike rack again. Within 2 minutes it was off, and quite easily might I add. I texted Ed and asked him if he had prayed, careful not to disclose details because I wanted to hear what he said. He said he asked God to help me get the rack off as quickly and easily as possible. (My jaw dropped open here and hung for about 20 minutes).

I am amazed. I guess I can no longer be cynical. I now believe that even little prayers can be answered, no matter how unimportant they might seem. Thanks Ed, for making me rethink life, and understand the blessings we are able to obtain.

However, as many days are not filled with AHA moments and Joy, something else had to cloud my happiness. I'll share in my next post...but first a scripture.

Moses 5:11 says
"And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient."

Part 2 of the Good and the Bad

2008-09-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

I was contemplating my joy while I ate Chik Fil A and let my kids play on the play place. I really am amazed at the truth to small prayer. My whole life I never thought it really worked. Unfortunately the high from this could not last, and I feel I am supposed to be taught a lesson here.

As I left Chik Fil A, the 1st thing I noticed out the door was a Green CRV sitting right there in front of me. I thought about Amberlee, and I was sad, but this wasn't too bad because I see them all the time, they are just simple reminders of how we lost her.

After I loaded the kids another car parked next to me and the lady getting out was very nice, although she looked as though she just had a baby, which I did not see. I questioned in my mind, but passed it off because of the previous car thing. I turned around to get into my car when I noticed Amberlee's exact car seat sitting in the back of their car. Panic struck immediately. 2 traumatic things right next to each other, the car seat and the car. I couldn't help but stare. I am shaking at this point and honestly don't understand why I would be faced with such circumstances, when I notice that the worst is not yet over. I look a little closer and realize that there is a hospital belongings bag in the carseat that is not actually buckled in the back seat. Is this punishment?

I got in the car, tried to catch my breath, and began driving. I couldn't breath right, and I got lost for about 5 minutes. I was crying and I just couldn't think at all. I am guessing this is a full blown panic attack at this point.

Never have I been faced with such aweful reminders especially all together at the same time. I guess that this is just life. We have to feel the pain as well as the pleasure. Our blessings and our losses create who we are, and they make us truly believe in right or wrong. I am definitely going to cling to the good feelings, because lets just face it, they are easier and more fun. It is just interesting to have such dramatic events in one day that are so opposite, I felt I should share them, as well as the scripture that came to mind.

With Love,
Beth

Church

2008-08-31T23:00:00.005-07:00

I did end up going to church. Strangely after I wrote the previous post I went to sleep, and I woke up feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel better.

I believe that we need to be in church. I believe that we learn lessons there that are tailored specifically for us, and I would love to impose upon you exactly what I mean.

Re-read the post I did yesterday. It is filled with angst, depression, sadness, frustration, anger, all negative emotions...I am not saying I am cured...I am simply saying that there was a lesson for me in church. This lesson makes me rethink how I feel.

The 1st person that spoke today had a personal story she wanted to share. She said that she used to be filled with depression several years ago. She said she would cry, and that her friends and family worried about her. She was a single mother, and medication as well as therapy did not help, she was still depressed. One day an image of her Heavenly Father came into her mind. She said that he saw that she was depressed and that this made him sad to see her suffering. She said that she felt bad that God would watch over her and see her suffering much like he saw his son Jesus Christ suffering. She decided that she did not want him to feel that way, so she would make a change in her life, because ultimately she wanted to be happy and she knows that that is what her Heavenly Father wants for her too.

It is not surprising to me that someone would share such a story that has amazing similarity to my life. I find more and more that when I go to church, there is a reason, I am there to learn and be inspired. I am almost always inspired, and so I yearn to be there even when I cannot go. I am grateful for this story, because it changes my viewpoint just a little.

It is OK for me to suffer, and it is okay for me to be sad. The trials we are put here on this earth to endure are meant to teach us a better way as much as they are meant to prove that we can choose right above wrong, and ultimately live in Heaven once more. Obviously I have lost a lot and it takes time to heal the pain and make me somewhat whole again. Although I do not believe that I will ever be fully whole again, I do believe I can feel better...I can feel happier. Like the speaker in church I don't want my Heavenly Father looking down at me suffering which could cause him to suffer as well. I know he loves me...I know he is rooting for me to be happy again. That is my goal.

I feel as though I have wasted so many prayers that were sent out for me. I hope that you all know that I am trying...I don't mean to waste them...but I do rely on their strength. I truly hope that I can make the most out of this situation, and I can become a better person. It is just difficult when the sadness outweighs the happiness. I am sure we have all been here at some point.

I am looking toward more positive days, and I am hoping that you will continue to send prayers my way and my family's way. I am sorry that these posts have gotten so personal...I think they are important and crucial to understanding this sort of loss.

Thanks again for listening.
Beth

Deep Thoughts & Brutal Truths

2008-08-30T21:52:00.002-07:00

I am not sure where to start, but I can tell you all this will be a long post that probably most people won't read, even though it is the one you should probably pay the most attention to if you care. So here it goes.

I am approaching my 3rd week of sadness, and I have honestly had 1 good day in that week. Until now things were looking up, but I truly feel that I am looking down a road right now, and I cannot see the end. Maybe if I just would cry about it, I could move forward...maybe I just need to do that, cry. I just really want someone to cry with...someone that I know cares deeply about what I am going through, and wants me to be happy but understands my struggle.

I understand that my friends and family want to move on, well they have moved on. Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. I just can't simply forget my struggles. They are here, not when I choose them to be, but when they want to be. I remember at the most inconvenient times, and I struggle when I don't have the time to struggle.

My thoughts lately:
I think that maybe I am so sad lately because Riesse is going through things that I never saw Amberlee go through. I am so blessed to have Riesse, but I am truly sad that I don't have Amberlee too. I did mention my current state on a website for mothers that miss their children that passed away, and many people told me the 2nd year would be one of the hardest. Ayayay, I was not prepared for this. Can you stand by my side for this year and know it is harder for me? Does anybody have the energy to give me more than they have, or are you all spent?

I am pushing my husband away, as he is pushing me away. On the surface it looks ok, but the depth is not there. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already hurts, but he is the only one that understands as well. Do you know how much that sucks! He wants me to talk to him...so I will test the waters and try, but I am afraid to talk to him.

I am trying really hard to figure out what God wants from me with all of this. What kind of a servant am I suppossed to be for him? How do I figure out exactly where he wants me and what he wants me to do with the person I am becoming?

This might sound strange but I just want to go the cemetary with a box of tissues and all my girlfriends (yes all of them) and I want to just break down and cry like I should have a long time ago, with all of them. I want to see them cry too, so I truly know that they are saddened too and they miss Amberlee too.

I am afraid that I will cry all throughout church tomorrow. I hate crying in front of people, but I am struggling so much right now that I feel there will be nothing but sobs the whole time. Does that mean I should still go? (I think I know the answer, but I have that whole problem with making others uncomfortable).

I saw a friends baby's grave the other day, and he has a headstone....We did not buy one for Amberlee. I am wondering if we should have...his was so beautiful. At the time I didn't see the importance, but I am second guessing my decision. I like her locket and her addition to her grandparents headstone, but maybe she needs a headstone just for her??? hmmm

And finally...does this blog even help. Is there a point to it, and am I succeeding in sharing a message that I hope will bless people in the long run...with understanding, empathy, knowledge of what to do with loss.

This is the most jumbled post ever I am sure...but I didn't want to make a book out of my thoughts as much as I just wanted to share them. I imagine a day in the future where my pain might be a distant memory, but my love still remains. Please pray for that day for me and my family. I know it will bless our lives at some point, but we have to put the pieces together before we can make it that far.

Love,
Beth

Thank you General Motors...now can you make the sensor too?

2008-08-29T08:39:00.002-07:00

http://www.gm.com/corporate/responsibility/safety/news/2007/child_passenger_safety/hot_car_051807.jsp

I know that Jan Null, the professor that works with Hyperthermia deaths, has talked to General Motors...On their website they posted this article along with a couple of video's that would teach people the dangers of leaving a child in a car. However, only 1-5 of the 36 deaths a year (last year 41) are done intentionally. Teaching parents is not the only solution. We need to request sensors for cars from dealerships and manufacturers, basically everyone that sells them. This would not be occuring had they not developed the air bag, so why is it so difficult to create a sensor as well. I realize MONEY is the root of the problem, but how much do they spend a year in redevelopment of the airbag. Fortunately the airbag saves lives, but in the case of children alone in a backseat it can also take lives. I would buy a car with a sensor, or even pay to have one put in my car....how about you?

I found this just now...

2008-08-28T17:01:00.004-07:00

When looking up Hyperthermia I noticed that Consumer Reports is attempting to spur legislation to make it safer for our children in the back seat.
http://blogs.consumerreports.org/safety/2008/08/hyperthermia-de.html
http://planetfeedback.typepad.com/mommage/2008/08/car-safety-advo.html
If we could simply get sensors that prevent your car from locking if the seatbelt is engaged it would save lives. This never happened before the invention of the airbag...becuase now we put our children in the backseat instead, but interestingly there were no deaths due to airbags last year at all. There has to be some sort of solution...lets try to invoke debate and interest to install these sensors...I know we never think it will happen to us, but the truth is...it Can and it does happen to those who are the best of parents.

Sad News...Updated

2008-08-28T16:46:00.004-07:00

I don't check the sight everyday, but I looked it up today and I have bad news. Apparently 33 children have now died as a result of Hyperthermia from being left in a vehicle. Unfortunately this is much higher than last year at this time (26), and I fear the statistics will prove to be worse by the end of the year considering September is one of the deadliest months.

The latest include a set of 3 year old twins that were stuck in a car when they got into it apparently playing. Also a sister (5) and her brother (2) who were found in the car after apparently playing in it. http://ggweather.com/heat/31_2008.htm Always Lock Your Car, even in your own driveway!
In addition, a Pastor and his wife lost their daughter when the father accidentally forgot to take the daughter out of the car. http://ggweather.com/heat/27_2008.htm Always Check Every Car that you Pass!

These people need our prayers...I know how they are suffering and I know how much the media judges these people and makes them feel worthless. Please, please, please, keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Great News!!!

2008-08-26T19:55:00.002-07:00

So I looked into it...and we got a scholarship for at least part of the funds for the conference. I am very grateful. Also, they will let Camille go...she will be 7 weeks under the age limit, but she is very mature (as you all know) and intelligent for her age. The powers that be would rather her get the help she may need, and the skills she can use to deal with her feelings, so they are allowing her to go. I am so excited...it might seem strange to you all, but there will be many there that will be able to help me with feelings that not everyone can understand...feelings that maybe I hide from you just a little because I am afraid for you to know how bad it gets every now and then.

We will still be holding the car wash for the remainder of the funds. The girls are excited to be a part of it. Of course we will show pictures after he conference and let you know just how much it helped, but as of now it looks very promising that we will be able to attend.

Thank you!
Beth

PS if you know of anyone that might benefit from this conference...any doctors, nurses, or other families that have lost a child, please refer them to the site. I am reading about previous conferences and everyone that has gone says it is a life changing event, that helped them tremendously.

A Good Friend...made a BIG mistake...

2008-08-25T21:05:00.003-07:00

OK...so I know I am dwelling...but I can't let it go so I hope you can all learn from this.

I had a friend tell me (several months ago), that I needed to move on. I realize that in some ways this statement is true. I love this friend of mine a lot, and she has never given me bad advice, but I feel that this was the wrong thing to say. I hope that nobody else ever tells me this...I hope that everyone can learn from this. I am trying everyday, making an effort to move forward, but moving on maybe is impossible. I will always have a hole in my heart. I have bad days, most of the time it is just days. AS you might have noticed I spent a lot of time on my Blogs lately. When I am struggling I stay on the computer as a means to avoid the feelings I have in life. Blogging=Life Frustration. This past 8 days or so has been bad. I haven't cried and maybe that is what needs to happen here. I need someone to cry with though, and I haven't picked anyone yet. I need someone I can scream at, that will undesrtand and say all the right things all the while knowing I am not screaming at them.

I am realizing more and more I cannot force myself to change the emotion that I have. I have to go with it. The more I do this, the more I can get where I need to be. I am sorry but my dear friend, I will not MOVE ON. I cannot ignore the pain that exists in my soul. I hope that you can undertand that and love me and listen to me regardless, as I will continue to love you even though you are wrong.

Beth

PS I will start a list of names on this blog for everyone that tells me to Move On so that the world may scourn you, you have been forewarned (just kidding of course)

PPS If you would like to apply for the position of shoulder to cry on...leave you comment as an application here.

I hope I am showing I do have a sense of humor still, at least at the end.

2008-08-25T20:28:00.001-07:00

Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "forget" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

Bereavement Conference...Just What I Need

2008-08-23T11:20:00.009-07:00

I was researching a bit on some websites that I love that deal with infant loss. I ran into a conference schedule for a conference for bereaved parents.

http://www.missfoundation.org/conference/index.php

I was shocked to realize that the conference is sponsored by ASU and in Phoenix! I am so excited. There are only a couple of problems...the 2 youngest children can't go (solved: thanks Kelli & Wendi), and it is pricey (about $400) for 3 girls, Kyle & Myself. So, I will be holding a Car Wash in front of my house sometime in the next month. Feel free to stop by and get a scrub, heck I will even do bicycles. I am going to this conference no matter what, I have not yet gotten any professional help nor have the girls, and I feel this is exactly what we need. Have I mentioned I am excited to go yet, if not let me say it again...oh wait I just did.

I found this video that discusses the foundation if you are interested click the picture to play the video...You can pause the blog music at the bottom of the page in order to hear the video.

Consider the Lillies

2008-08-22T23:26:00.003-07:00

This song was sung at Amberlee's funeral, and it is simply beautiful. A few weeks afterward, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir performed it as well. This is significant because the 2 family members that sang it at the funeral, also performed it with the choir. I thought I would include a video of this performance, and the inspiring song because I just found it on YouTube a couple of days ago. Enjoy.

Fever...

2008-08-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

So...sometimes random things affect me...and today was no exception. Riesse got 4 shots yesterday, and she is running a fever, a rather high fever. I was up most of the night with her, and I have no problem being with her and taking care of her. I love giving extra attention to a sick child, I want them to feel especially loved when they are ill. However, as I was driving today it hit me. I just started crying, and I realized that I am pushing her away whenever her fever gets high. I just can't be near her until the Tylenol takes down the fever, and this is unlike me. Hmmm...

As I was driving it all clicked...My children are usually not sick and they have not had high fevers for quite sometime. This may even be the first time that one of them has had a high fever, since Amberlee's death. The last time I held a child that felt hot, was when I held Amberlee for the paramedics. Whenever I have a stimulus like this, that makes me remember, it makes me remember everything. Sometimes I remember little details that I try hard not to remember. Unfortunatly, this time made me remember a lot. I am going to try not to push Riesse away now that I realize why, but I cannot believe how aversive I am to her because of her fever. I really hate some of these emotions, and I realize they are all part of healing, I just want it to be normal again. I know it never will, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

...And yet another Stage...

2008-08-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

So today I went to pick up the remainder of Amberlee's things from the Police Station.

As I was standing in the evidence pick-up area, I struggled. I was shaking, and rather dizzy...and I kept looking through the window while the people working seemed to wait for an unnecessary amount of time to bring the (evidence) stuff out to me.

Suddenly Amberlee's things were there. I am glad it was all in bags, because I probably would have collapsed if I had actually seen the items right away. I signed the paper, loaded up the car, and headed out still extremely dizzy, hoping breathing deeper would help me to drive more carefully. It helped that Riesse all of a sudden wanted to talk in cute little infant speak, and she lightened the mood a bit.

When I got home I slowly pulled each item out one by one. I didn't notice that the 2 most difficult pieces would be last, but I was happy that it turned out that way. Then they were out of the bag, quite literally. First was her outfit. I forgot what it looked like. It is quite adorable, pink with little white polka dots and a tiny bit of lace on the sleeves, it is comforting to have it back. Second was her carseat. I loved the carseat, with 6 children we have been through a lot, and this was always my favorite. It doesn't seem to make the babies sweat the way others do, and the handle is more comfortable. It is nice to have it back too. Her outfit and her carseat. Of course they smelled bad after a year in storage, so I cleaned them. What gets me though is that they seem to comfort me, yet they scare me at the same time.

I feel like I am doing okay, but I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. Shortly after I finished cleaning the first load in the washer, I looked around for Camille and thought I might have fogotten her, but I did not, I know it was just the anxiety of what I was doing. Remembering the events of the day Amberlee got hurt. Camille was safely on the toilet, haha.

I really want to move on. I want these stages to be over, everytime I turn my back I feel like I am in yet another stage that brings a flood of emotions that are impossible to control. I really miss her.

My Mother In Law was with me today, and she said that it does not get easier with time. I feel it is important to share with you what I think about this.

She is right, it does not get easier with time. However, the bad moments, sadness, grief, pain, the flooding of emotions that drag me down and threaten to overcome me...those happen less and less. They don't get easier, just fewer and farther between, and that is what makes life bearable.

The song on my blog, "Held" by Natalie Grant has a line it in that includes the phrase, "We're asking, why this happened, to those of us who have Died to Live." I think this phrase has so much meaning. This phrase sums up how we feel nearly perfectly, and Kyle agrees with me on this. We feel like we died to live, and continue to live. I want the dying to stop, the numb parts of me to rejuvenate. I want to mourn my loss, and know that one day I will be with her again, but I want it to allow me to be myself again. That is what I am praying for at least.

If you haven't listened to the song please do, and please know that it expresses how we feel, maybe even in a way that is incomprehensible to people who have not experienced the same loss as we have. It shares our anger, as well as our hope, and it gives us the faith we need in God's Plan.

I love you all.Beth

PS To listen to the song, go to the very bottom of the blog, and find the song. Double click or maybe single click on it and it will start. If you have trouble e-mail me and I will help you, if you are as desperate to hear it as I am to have you hear it.

2008-07-17T15:37:00.001-07:00

All right...I am now asking your opinion because I opened an envelope today and started bawling. This doesn't happen very often...but today it most certainly hit me like a ton of bricks.

Phoenix Children's Hospital is having a "We Remember Them" Memorial Service for all of the children that passed away at the hospital during 2007. They want us to send in a picture, and do a scrapbook page for Amberlee...as well as attend. The ceremony is supposed to promote peace and comfort.

So I am not sure...my thoughts are scattered here. I am afraid that seeing all those parents that lost children might be overwhelming...and most of them will be crying...I just don't know if this is the best thing. Maybe it will help to know that we are not alone. The hospital has done many things to ease our loss, and I am sure that this will be nothing short of amazing...I am afraid to go though. It might be healing...it might be an experience I shouldn't go without. What do you think?

Please comment and let me know what you think, and if you are courageous enough, why you think it.

Thanks.

Difficult to Swallow

2008-07-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

So...interestingly...today Riesse is the same age as Amberlee was when she was injured...therefore Tomorrow...Riesse will become older than Amberlee had the chance to become. This morning...I gave Riesse a bath...and she kicked and splashed me significantly...Amberlee did this same thing to Kyle the morning of her last healthy day...I think this is the last challenge...but it is more difficult for me to swallow than even the anniversary of when Amberlee died. I feel like I am re-living the timing...with a different baby. I don't know how to explain it. Just Pray...Please, and if you can...call or hang out. I am trying to be busy to make sure I don't dwell...I keep saying...please help me through this one more thing...and there seems to be more...I am truly hoping this is it.

I love you all... Beth

4th of July, My Favorite...

2008-07-05T15:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was fun...I even got into a pool with my kids. Independance Day has always been my favorite holiday (and it actually feels like my favorite again)...Riesse absolutely loves the fireworks!!! She really is my baby...because there is nothing better for me than good fireworks. As I was holding her and watching her eyes grow big with every burst of color I became a little teary eyed. I missed 4th of July Fireworks with Amberlee by a little less than a week. Watching the Fireworks with my Family last night was an answer to a prayer. We are actually grasping life again...and enjoying each other and the holidays again. This is the way I choose to move forward...starting with my favorite holiday, counting my blessings one by one. I am excited to Dive in.

June 29th, 2008...One Year Later

2008-06-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was simply perfect!

I spent part of Saturday making ribbons for friends and people at church to wear to remember Amberlee. The ribbons were purple, as was everything from this day. I believe I have mentioned this before...but purple is the color that is used as a symbol for the protection of children in and around vehicles. It was also Amberlee's best color!

Well it was a miracle =), but we made it to Church early. I passed out ribbons to everyone that I could. I was really worried about being at Church, because it starts at 9:00 am and Sacrament runs to 10:15am. Amberlee passed away @ 9:41 am, so I was concerned I would break down in the middle of Sacrament. My worries never came to fruition. I am extremely grateful for everybody's willingness to wear these ribbons. I looked around church, and almost everybody was wearing one, and it was such a comfort...because I realized everyone supports us still even one year later. Their faith gave me strength through Sacrament...and 9:41 am peacefully came and went, and I was ok. I got to spend 3 hours looking at these beautiful yet simple ribbons, and remembering her spirit and life...with Joy, instead of pain. Thank you!

At about 6pm, after a nice nap, our friends/family began to show up at our house. They even showed up on time. We talked a bit, and some gave us letters for Amberlee. We then watched 2 videos that friends created for her memory. Afterward...and almost at sunset we drove to the cemetary. We were a little concerned because the wind was blowing so hard, and we planned on using candles.

side note: the Native American's believe that when the wind is blowing, spirits are around you, on Amberlee's Birthday, the day Kyle went to the Grand Jury, and on this day...the wind blew and blew and blew.

When we got to the cemetary we stood in a circle around her grave. Many friends shared thoughts about the last year, and about her loss. Kyle and I made some remarks as well. Then we lit candles in her memory and sang a few songs, "I am a child of God", "We love to see the Temple", and "Families can be together Forever". After singing we got ready to say a prayer just as the sun set in the west with an amazing spray of orange, purple, and pink blended into a majestic sky. The moment was simply perfect.

Right before the prayer though...and all of a sudden...the sprinklers turned on and began to spray us all...this was very comical...and let me tell you it just added to this perfect day. The kids played in the water...as the adults talked, and when it got so dark we could barely see we drove home. Some friends visited, but overall, the day really seemed low key, and simple. The peace that surrounds me even now is a comfort I am learning to appreciate and hopeing for everyday.

I will include some more pictures...but these are some of my favorites. I hope you enjoy them as well.

More from the 29th

2008-06-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

Don't Believe Everything You Read, haha

2008-06-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend we surrounded ourselves with friends/family to distract us from sadness and to remember life, with happiness. Although we miss Amberlee dearly...we call the day she left us as her "Heaven Day"...and we really wanted to celebrate the fact that she is in Heaven rather than mourn her loss, after all her spirit lives on. I mentioned previously that the books that I read said that the 1st Anniversary is the hardest. I am not sure I believe the books I read after experiencing the 1st Anniversary. The week before the 1st Anniversary was terribly difficult, but the actual Anniversary, and the week of were easier. I know there are probably reasons for this, as I felt an amazing comfort surrounding me for that week. It is amazing how the spirit can take hold and bless us when we feel we can take no more.

I am forever grateful to everyone that prayed for us to get through...we could definitely feel the strength in those prayers which gave us strength to make it past the worst year of our lives. Now it is time to move on with fervor and to recreate our family with hope for happiness in the future. I certainly feel blessed.

Beth Malone (a friend that lost a baby many years ago) mentioned to me after Amberlee died, that I would see blessings from her death. At the time I was slightly put off by the comment, I could not imagine ever seeing blessings from something so horrible. This past year I have learned so much through loss. I know for sure that Christ is there for us, and now I can understand what he sacraficed and suffered for us because he has born my pain. There are many other blessings that I will not get into right now, but please know that I have learned to be there for my friends through their pain. If ever, any of you need me, call, and I will be there no matter what.

I love you all.
Thanks for helping me through.

Amberlee Elizabeth Brown

2008-06-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

Born:

March 22nd, 2007 @ 11:07 am

Entered into her Eternal Life:
June 29th, 2007 @ 9:41 am

She lived 99 days on this wonderful earth.

Its been 1 year and we miss you baby girl...we can't wait to see you again!

Rainbows...

2008-06-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

Our experience with Amberlee's Rainbows started shortly after she passed away. I want to believe that she is sending us the rainbows...so that we can believe she is happy and wants us to be happy. Every road trip & family vaction that we went on this year...there was inevitably a rainbow and sometimes 2. In one instance there wasn't a cloud in the sky and so we wondered if we would get the rainbow we had come to expect...but when we sat down at a table in a restaurant with the Madden Family a glass from the wall reflected right in the middle of the table...and who would have guessed that a rainbow would show in such an uncommon way.

Another remarkable instance was when Kelli had to go to the hospital with her baby...Kaitlynn had been screaming for over a week, non-stop, and Kelli decided something had to be done...but she also needed support. This was one of my biggest challenges this year because she went to none other than Phoenix Children's Hospital...where Amberlee passed away. I knew I wanted to help my friend...but I also knew that it would be difficult to enter the doors of that hospital ever again...because I would have to walk right by the PICU hallway to get to Kelli & Kaitlynn. I prayed for strength the whole drive there...and when I entered the hospital I felt peace. I felt strength and I could feel that I was being held in those hallways (probably by all the tiny spririts that knew what I had endured there).

Well I visited with Kaitlynn and Kelli for a long time...I believe Steve had to throw me out of the room even. About when I decided to leave...Kelli agreed to walk with me to the PICU to thank the Doctors and Nurses that had helped me with Amberlee. On our way there I looked out the window...and I noticed one of the most amazing Rainbows I have ever seen in the Arizona sky. I knew that the peace and comfort that was being given to me was an extra special blessing...and the rainbow was the icing on the cake.

I am unsure of what happens after this life. I do believe that there is a God in Heaven waiting for our safe return though. I believe that he watches over us and provides us with strength and comfort. I know that the Holy Spirit whispered peace to our hearts at the very moment that Amberlee's spirit left her body, and that that same spirit carried us through the entire week and even shortly after we buried our daughter. When I think of what Christ had to endure for us...taking on all the pains of the world...and I consider this one of his pains...it makes me understand how gracious our redeemer was to sacrifice himself and to bear our burdens. I cannot doubt his knowledge of what we are going through...becuase he is able and willing to help us through...and he knows exactly what we need to make it.

I do know that I have felt my daughter visit me...and when she has visited those few times I get the same feelings I had when her spirit was alive and well with me on this earth. The visits are few and far between. I can't say that I wish there were more...because we all have to move on in life. I am grateful for the small gifts I am given...at times when I need strength above and beyond what I can muster on my own. As for understanding why this happened...and how we will ultimately make it though this next week...I know that it is God's will and I find comfort in the only scripture I have ever memorized...

"For behold, this is My Work and My Glory- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39)

Beautiful Socks...

2008-06-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have not shared this part of the story with most people. It came up tonight in conversation, so I realized it was such a blessing that I would share it with you and you might have a glimpse into those days, and the peace that was given to us.

After Amberlee's viewing (which I thought was absolutely perfect with the ribbons and flowers and just everything)...Kyle and I had a very special moment.

Most everyone was gone...and the funeral director decided that we wrap up. We were really unsure of what we should do at that point but she was gracious and guided us every step of the way. She began by asking us if we wanted to take one more look...and we did...we took what remained of Amberlee in and she looked beautiful in her dress. Then Jennifer kindly asked, "Would you like to hold her?"...This was a very awkward question. Of course we did but questions flew through my mind...was it allowed?...how would that feel?...what is Kyle thinking? So Jennifer gently picked her up...with as much respect as one would pick up any sleeping infant...and she gently handed my baby to me. It felt amazingly comfortable holding Amberlee, and even talking about it now warms my heart.

Shortly after I held her I handed her to Kyle. Our Sister In Law was taking pictures to help us remember these very special moments. Jennifer then suggested we walk to a room for privacy so we carried her into this little room, and Jennifer laid out a beautiful blanket and we laid Amberlee on it. Then Jennifer gently said, "You know what...I am a ditz...I forgot to put her socks on?" I was like...what...you forgot to put her socks on...weren't YOU supposed to dress her...of course I said this in my mind and not out loud. Jennifer asked if we would like to do it...and following her guidance we said sure. She handed me this beautiful pair of socks that we purchased for Amberlee...and we proceeded to dress our daughter for the very last time.

About then is when I knew it was a setup. As I laughed to myself I realized that it was inspired ...and that there may be something to Jennifer's suggestions. I unpackaged these beautiful socks and I found Amberlee's perfect little foot hidden beneath her princess dress. I still remember how chubby and soft her foot was. I almost didn't want to cover it...I wanted to stand there holding her foot and never pass into the very end of her life when we would not be able to see her again. I smoothly slid the sock over her foot, and I noticed the sock was wrinkled...what amazes me still today is that I had to straighten it a couple of times. Even when my baby was no longer alive...I still felt the need to make everything perfect for her...I still wanted her socks to warm her chubby little feet and not be wrinkled over them. After I was done...Kyle took the other sock and did the same thing with the same feelings. However slight this seems...it felt enormous...and it stands as one of the most significant memories of my life.

We are forever grateful for this slight experience that shapes how we view the last few days with our daughter. We were blessed by Jennifer's presence and her gentle guidance through something that would most likely be a nightmare...but she managed to make it a peaceful memory that blesses us even today. As we look back...we think that all of the services were simply perfect...and we could not ask for more support than we were given for those days when we needed it the most.

Sleep well sweet Princessa...until one day...when we meet again with pure happiness surrounding us, for eternity.

A Pattern..?

2008-06-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

So...I am not going to lie to you...this week is horrible. I feel like every day I sink deeper into despair and the darkness is swallowing me up. I play edifying music...but I can't focus on it...and mostly I just want to escape from life. I want to hide...I want to withdraw. It is so very difficult for me to feel this way and it is even more difficult to share it. I want to be positive...I want to be a helper...but right now I guess is not my time and season.

I am debating whether or not to delete the paragraph above...but I feel that would be untrue to my feelings...and I promised that I would share those feelings so people would know what I am going through. Instead of dwelling on the negative lets talk about a specific blessing.

Tonight was especially bad...my sister...who never comes over mid week...just happened to show up. She knew something was up, as sisters do...and she conveniently visited for a bit. Then she went to get groceries and she was kind enough to pick up dinner for me and the girls. I am so grateful...because honestly I did not want to do anything. Last night Claire brought dinner too.,.do I see a pattern...oh wait..Alicia called and invited me to dinner tomorrow...and Kelli fed me the day before yesterday...Yep! I would say that is definitely a pattern.

I really appreciate it. I am so very blessed to have people helping me out where I need help the most. I am glad to see these people are thinking of us during these last weeks before the anniversary. I wish you all could take just one tiny portion of my pain and we could all bear it together...I know you would if you could...but since you cannot loving me is enough...and I thank you for loving. me.

Unstoppable...

2008-06-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

The worst part of his all is my lack of control. I am a control freak...it is so hard to deal with the inability to stop my emotions. Today...I was trying to escape in the ways that I know how...and Kyle kept telling me I needed to go the gym. Well right away I knew this was not a good day for that. But after several tries I got dressed and ready to do the gym...I even convinced myself that it would help...that is what I needed.

Well I got in the car and my eyes started to water...so I figured maybe music will help and once I am moving I'll be fine...but then I got into traffic. I just wanted to rid myself of the pain that I feel right now. A car was coming towards me and I actually thought...if I let the car hit me then I won't have to deal with this situation. I got passed that stage and told myself...that it was a stupid thought that would not actually help anything...and I moved onto stage 3 of my lack of control. As I was driving my eyes teared up more...and I looked in the mirror to see if it was obvious...but it wasn't...still ok and I can still get there.

It was then that it came out. I started to hyperventillate I was crying and I just wanted to think of someone I could talk to. I could not focus my thoughts and body were consummed by this grief that was coming now...not later. Well, I just can't go to Kyle when I feel this way...and especially after Father's Day...it only makes it worse for him. I tried to think of several people and had to dissmiss each one for several reason. But then I thought of a person...Donna...and she was actually on the way. I know that her kids wouldn't be too freaked out to see me cry...because they've seen it before. So I knocked on the door and asked for her and I walked in and hugged her and cried and cried. She couldn't understand why and she kept asking me to repeat myself...because she couldn't understand, but she did listen. It is so awesome to have friends that you can lean on when you have no feet to stand on.

I don't know if you have ever felt this way...but there are levels of crying. At this point I feel I am at the end stage if there is one. When I cry for Amberlee I feel it in my entire body. The tears drain everything from me...and I cannot stop them. They make my stomach and all of my muscles hurt...its like the depth of my being is mourning. I just miss what I am missing her do everyday...and it hurts to know that I have to finish my entire life here before I can see her sweet face again. Her smell, her laugh, her smile, her strength...all of it.

I thought that a few things about Riesse would help, but primarily I thought that always planning for the number of children would get better. I mean the setting the table, counting the children in the pool or at the park, you know making sure they are all with me and safe. It has not gotten better though. I know I have six girls. And Riesse does not make it 5 again...she makes it 6 now. So instead of counting for 5 I count for 6 and that problem was not solved as I thought it might be.

I am really trying here to appreciate my blessings...I have a million of them. I really feel like I cannot focus for this anniversary. I cannot even plan what we will do...but I know that I want it to be really special so that we can get through. A song on my blog "Homesick" has a couple of lines that come to mind...I close my eyes, and I see your face. If home is where my heart is then I'm out of place. My entire heart is not here... I feel like a fraction of who I was before...and I don't even know how to act around people. I don't even know who I am at this point.

I know this is all rambling...but I guess I am just getting it out. I am so filled with emotion I cannot even focus on one.

Just So You Know

2008-06-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

I read this poem in church shortly after Amberlee passed away. I desperately wanted people that I know to quit treating me so differently. Some people tried to help and they just said the wrong things...things that hurt even though they did noy intend it that way. I am sharing it with you today...becuase I still feel the same...and I hope that you can find peace and understanding in these heartfelt words.

Don't Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my (daughter) is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want (her) here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear (her) voice, see (her) face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact (she) is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say (her) name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi Walker(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998

Update: A Well known LDS Artist Hilary Weeks has produced a song set to this poem. It will be coming out on her new album. I cannot wait to hear it, and cry as I know I will.

Its Difficult to Understand...

2008-06-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to some friends this week, and I am realizing that my closest friends want desperately to help, but they simply cannot relate. It is impossible for them to truly understand, and I don't blame them...but I need help. I was telling one friend in particular...I am used to being the person that helps... and right now... I am the person that needs help. This is not me...how do I get out of this funk. I want to be the one providing the support again.

More and more I am realizing how many mourning mothers are out there. I have met at least 5 women that are close to me that have lost children. I want to say to them that I feel their pain and I pray for their comfort. No matter when, in early pregnancy, in late pregnancy, shortly after birth, late in childhood...it still hurts; and anybody that has experienced it will bear that pain for a lifetime.

If any of you know anyone that you feel could benefit from this blog feel free to ask me to invite them...and send me their e-mail. I am resolved to help those that I can because of my experience with this loss.

Thank you for you love...even if you cannot fully comprehend what I am going through...thank you for loving me regardless of my sadness.

The Law, The News, & Life

2008-06-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.eastvalleytribune.com/story/118359 recent article
http://www.eastvalleytribune.com/story/92455 original article

So Kyle is not going to be charged...and here are the details that the newspaper shared. I am glad to be able to share this with you, finally. As the time approaches for the 1 year anniversary...I realize that we will be through all of the rough stages very soon. The very last stage is watching Riesse pass through the point of life that Amberlee was in. But after that we can move on...with our normal grieving and none of the extra.

Going back to the charging. I do not understand the comments that people make on these websites. Every single person that knows about our story agrees that charging Kyle would be more punishment than necessary. A parent that goes through a drowning, or an accident such as ours, suffers with that pain for the rest of their life (it is not an easy thing to deal with)...what would a legal punishment do that a loving parent could not do to themselves. I try to dismiss their behavior by saying...the news didn't get the story right so how can I expect them to accurately weigh the circumstances...but that excuse is not good for them. They have no right...to judge us for what has occured. Just as we have no right to judge anyone else.

So I would like to challenge us all. We need to think twice every single time we hear a news story or any story, even gossip. Before we comment and give our opinion...we need to say to ourself...what don't we know? It is impossible to know all the details of every situation brought to our attention...and I have learned through this tragedy...that everybody deserves our benefit of the doubt...even if it looks really really bad...they deserve it. And we need to be empathetic to their issues and willing to help everyone we can through anything.

Life lesson #2,987,431 learned...check!

A Song That I Love

2008-06-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

Before I started this blog I found another blog that inspired me. A grieving mother, Angie Smith, started it when she was pregnant with her daughter, Audrey Caroline, Audrey went to her heavenly home a couple peaceful hours after her birth. She wrote the following song with a friend Christa Wells and with her husband Todd...about the feelings they have for their beautiful baby Audrey. Audrey was born the day before Riesse April 7th (Riesse on April 8th). This song touches my heart very deeply...and I wanted to share it with you...please read the lyrics...they mean so much to her and to me.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I Know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

If you would like to know more about her story feel free to follow the link to Angie's blog in my blog posts...under Audrey Caroline. She is an amazing person...with great faith...and a talent for sharing her life to inspire others.

Sometime I Just Want to Scream!!!!!!

2008-06-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was simply too tired to do anything. I was sitting in the rocking chair singing to Riesse and looking at the big picture of Amberlee that we had everyone sign. I was really really tired...but as I sat there looking at the picture I began to notice how many details of her face it captures. Then I realized that from where I was she looked almost life size...and as you might guess...the emotions started to flow.

Sometimes I just want to scream from the depths of my soul. I want to say...this isn't fair...why did this happen to me...isn't it enough that I lost my father when I was two. I thought that that was supposed to be my challenge in life. I want to scream that I just want to see her crawl or see her walk along the couch. Its the simple things that I will never get that make me feel and hurt so much more. I want to put a pony tail in her hair...or even to braid it...I want to kiss her nose...and make her dresses. Sometimes I feel robbed and I just want someone to scream at but there is nobody to even tell this to that would understand how deeply I feel that I want her back.

I can still remember her smell...I want to smell it again...and feel her soft hair against my neck as she sleeps on my shoulder.

I realize that I am blessed beyond anything I could ask for...and I try hard to look at those blessings and realize a day will come when I see her again. As the anniversary approaches I am finding it more difficult to be positive. I have decided that I am going to look for a piece of pottery and break it into pieces...then glue it back together. I read this in a book...and then another blog I read from a mother that lost her child...she did it after she read it...it is supposed to be healing. Breaking the pottery is a simile for all that I feel from this past year. Gluing it back together...yet still seeing it broken.. is a simile for what I will be for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wonder what I will become from this...hopefully I become stronger and I will be compassionate towards others who feel the same pain, only time will tell. Please try to bear with me through this.

2008-05-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I begin my journey into the month that will mark 1 year since my baby left this world. I am scared for what I will feel as I approach the end of the month. I am afraid of what I will remember. I worry that this truly will be more difficult than it was for me last year. I am already beginning to feel it no matter how hard I try to dismiss my emotions. I truly wish I could Skip June…for the rest of my life.

My visiting teacher, Ruth, dropped off flowers tonight when I wasn’t home. I cannot even begin to say how much that sentiment means to me. The flowers are purple which is significant for several reasons...purple is the color used to teach about prevention of child injuries around cars...purple is the color that looked best on Amberlee...and lets face it, purple is just cool.

She wrote a simple note, You are loved. I think that that phrase is a beautiful beginning to the nightmare I must face. Flowers are a symbol of life, and happiness, and I never appreciated them until this year. These flowers, and the sweet sentiment she shared, give me a little bit of strength to move forward. I need to feel that I am loved. It never ceases to amaze me that I look at this world with completely different eyes than I did before I experienced tragedy in my own life. Imagine if we all told each other in those simple words…You are loved. There is strength in that phrase that can allow a person to move forward even when it seems impossible.

I miss you Amberlee, You Are Loved!!!

If I Had Only Known

2008-05-28T13:03:00.003-07:00

I found a beautiful version of the song that we set to video for Amberlee's funeral. Of course, it is Reba that sings it. She has always been my favorite. Approaching this next month I wanted to share this version with you all as well as a memory. Hint: You need to pause the music at the bottom of the blog before starting the video, so it will not interfere with the video music.

I am not sure if Kyle knew the song when I played it for him. A couple nights after Amberlee passed away I had to go home. I wanted desperately to get my IPOD so that I could play this song for him. I have always been a believer that music can heal the soul, and I was singing it in my mind over and over again ever since she passed away. We went home and we got the IPOD. We then laid next to each other right before we went to bed that evening. I put one earphone in his ear, and one in mine. The song began after I told him how much I wanted to use it, and we laid there holding each other and listening. The tears began to flow because the song expresses perfectly and simply how we feel about losing her. These tears were the first true emotion I was able to express over Amberlee. I cried and cried, and my whole body shook as I realized the enormity of the situation. Kyle of course cried too, and that is when I realized that I truly forgave him. Neither of us wanted this to happen, we were just victims of unfortunate circumstances.

There is only one word of the song I would change. You were the treasure in my hand, you were the one who always (slept) beside me. It is especially dear to me because Amberlee insisted she be next to me every single night. I miss her daily, and I hope this song can bring you comfort the same as it does for me. This version has amazing emotion attached to it. Enjoy!

We all Feel and Share this Loss...

2008-05-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

Starting this blog is so soothing and comforting. The best result I witness from the blog is that my friends now feel comfortable talking to me, which is something I wish they were doing this whole past year. I want to share with you several experiences that were similiar this last week.

One of my friends stated to me that it was difficult for her to deal with Amberlee's death because she was pregnant, and she was so close to her. She has a hard time discussing it, and she cannot deal well with the emotions that come up because of Amberlee.

Shortly after talking to this friend I asked another friend why she never holds Riesse. I was shocked to hear when she said I am afraid that I will hold her and a week later you will call me and tell me she is gone. She then described to me how vividly she remembers the last day she held Amberlee, and then the following week, she was gone. So I took Riesse and handed her to my friend and told her that that would not happen, and we all need to move forward. She looked beautiful holding Riesse, and I believe it was very comforting.

Then only a couple days later I mentioned how shocked I was by these stories to yet another friend and she floored me as well. She told me she has not held any baby since Amberlee passed away.

I am so sad that I didn't realize we all hurt so bad. I know that people are grieving like I am...my sister allowed me to realize how bad she hurt shortly after this happened. I want you all to know that it takes a village to raise a child. That statement is so true. This week I learned that I don't understand how much my life affects others, and I really need to be sensitive to that. It really isn't surprising that everybody affected by Amberlee would be struggling over her sudden and tragic death. She is a sweet story that began...but will never finish in this lifetime.

I hope you know that you can all talk to me. I would appreciate it. If you are having a bad day call me. Interestingly I am afraid to call people when I am hurting because I don't want to make them suffer like I do. I would welcome someone calling me to tell me they miss her...or that they are angry she is not here...whatever. I am always here...and I am always willing to talk about life. If it becomes too much for me then I'll tell you...but I simply wish that we can all work together to get through this. We all feel and share this loss...

Monumental Momentum

2008-05-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

Did you like the alliteration in my title? My English teachers would be very impressed. Try saying that 10 times fast.

So I went to the gym today...deep breath. I know you might not think that that is a major feat, but it was. Driving to the gym I started crying, and I had to try hard to stop before I got there and everyone thought I looked like a fool. The last time I went to the gym was the day Amberlee got hurt. I went to the same gym today, and as luck would have it...the spot that was open was the one facing the spot I parked in on that day. Poetry in life I guess, I was facing the exact circumstances of the tragedy head on.

After I was done working out, I got in the car, and of course it hit me right then. Immense heat, right in my face! Honestly, car heat is very difficult to deal with these days, and right after I worked out...this felt like Hell. I bet if I looked up the temperature for today it would be a high of 108 just like that day. (Update: it was exactly 108 this day!)

Many people tell me to move on, to focus on the positive. So that is what I did when faced with these harsh circumstances that seemed like a mirror image of the day leading to the worst day of my life. To combat the heat I opened the windows and I blared the radio. Then I turned the AC on full blast....cured...instantly I was taken back to when I was 19 years old (and sexy btw) and life was free and easy for the most part.

Maybe this is avoiding the problem, but the one counsellor I talked to said she was going to try to trick my brain into remember good things instead of the trauma, and that is what I did on my own (subtract the $100 per hour fee). I know that every time it will get easier, as these things tend to do. I just wish I didn't feel like I was in a nightmare whenever circumstances bring me back to those two horrible days.

Remembering All of My Daughters

2008-05-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am realizing that the weekends are when it all comes out. It must be because I am not running like crazy to get the kids or take Kelli to piano, or also because Kyle is home so I get to rest a bit. Sundays may even be the worst day of the week for me. Today I am home sick and in bed and all I can do is think of Amberlee. What she would be doing now, what she is doing now. Shelley has a grandson that was born just a few days apart from Amberlee, and sometimes I wonder if it would help to see him once in awhile to comfort my heart and bless me with the knowledge of where Amberlee would be right now. I wonder if holding him for a few minutes would help ease my pain. I am afraid it may hurt too bad as well.

There is a website I found before I made this blog, created by a Mother who feels the same pain as I do. She lost her baby the day before Riesse was born, isn't that coincidental. I know what she feels today, and I wish that I could help her through this suffering that seems lonely no matter how much support we get. On her blog she talks about going to the park with her daughters (yes she only has girls too) and wanting to shout Did you know I lost my daughter, my daughter passed away? Those aren't her exact words, but as I read them they reminded me of how I feel.

Walking through a grocery store or school I often wonder if people know, and if they knew what they would think or do. I wonder how they might treat me. Then I realize, wow, what don't I know about them. The truth is we all struggle and we all have suffering in our life. I want to shout so that people know I am there, and if there are any childless mothers that need my help and experience I can help them, and they would know because I shared my story. I am sure there are many of us out there, Mothers who have lost their sweet babies. We all go through life thinking that it doesn't happen that often, but I am sure it happens more often than we know. We live with our burdens in silence though, and knowing each other is an impossiblity because it is just not acceptable to tell people in public how we feel.

Even those who know about Amberlee try to avoid, and why wouldn't they, I try to avoid thinking of her when I have to get through a busy day, and I am her mother. It hurts when people don't want to remember though, or when they avoid talking about her. There are many times I will be in Target or Safeway, with my entire family and a couple will stop us and say, wow, you have 5 beautiful girls. Sometimes they will brag that they had all boys or all girls too. I don't mean to be rude, or to hurt their feelings but I Always tell people when they comment, we have 6 girls. Not always but once in awhile we get the question, Where is the other one? I simply tell them, she passed away.

I feel as though not telling people is avoiding that she ever existed. I feel like I am not being fair to her, and I need to tell people she was here, and we love her. Our daughters often draw family pictures in school or at home, and they draw Amberlee in them. She is part of our family, and will be forever, why would we deny her of that right and exclude her. I don't want to go through life without her, but because I must, I want everyone to remember that I have 6 girls to love and to cherish. Whether Amberlee is here right now or not, I will not move forward without her, and if I want to remember her everyday, that is ok, because she is and forever will be part of our family.

Every Parent's Biggest Fear

2008-05-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

Before Amberlee passed away, I would get those forwards that would ask a million questions about you and then you forward it to your friends. There is one question that always got/gets the same answer. What is your biggest fear? I always answer, that one of my children will die before me. I believe that every person fears this same fear, and many people believe that they could not go on if they ever lost a child, especially at a young age. It is extremely difficult to go on. There are many dynamics to this tragedy that are hard to explain, especially within marriage. Previously I thought that people got divorced after the loss of a child because they gave up and could not handle it. That is not what happens, or rather the answer is not that simple.

Losing a child changes a person in a deep way. Imagine being married to a person and all of sudden, both you and that person change dramatically. It is like being re-married to the same person, only that person doesn't respond to you in the same way all of a sudden. Its a struggle to be married anyway, but when you add that aspect it makes it so much more difficult. All those years of working together to improve behaviors and make the marriage work are simply erased.
Furthermore, the sadness we feel took over so competely that we had nothing to give to anyone else. I can only imagine that if we did not have a support system of people loving us and guiding us back onto the path of life, we would not have made it this far. To dwell on the tragedy can only bring more pain, however, it is impossible to ignore it, and we should not ignore it. It is part of who we are, it defines us in a way.

However, life goes on, and we have to move on to the happier days to survive. As I am saying this I am thinking to myself, I will, but just let me get past the 1st year.

Complete Peace

2008-05-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

On June 29th, we sat in the hospital bewildered, in shock, and restless. Just before dawn the nurses asked us to leave for a bit, they needed to run some tests that we could not be present for. We went to a room that they set up for us, and laid down, hoping to rest just a bit. As I laid down I felt even more restless. I became exhasperated and finally told Kyle I could not sleep, I had to go back to Amberlee. We walked back to the room, and they were done doing the tests, so we sat down and we watched the machines support our sweet baby.

That is when Amberlee spoke to me from her heart. She said You have to let me go. I told her that I would not, I am her mother, it is my job to fight for her, I have to fight for her. She then repeated to me...You have to let me go. This is not me, this will never be me again, you have to let me go. The voice was so mature, and so stern and matter of fact. She would not take no for an answer, but I could feel that she knew how hard it would be for me, and she could not leave until I accepted she must go. Reluctantly I whispered back in my mind, ok, I understand, I can let you go.

Immediately... an all encompassing peace filled the room. Kyle felt it too eventhough he did not yet know what I was experiencing. The peace was so strong that I knew it was ok.. that this is what should be.. and then I felt her leave us. She was gone...we could see a change in her body as it lie there on the bed...there was no doubt she was not there anymore.

Only a slight moment later I saw a picture in my mind of her in Christ's arms and I felt a voice tell me, Do not worry, she is safe in my arms now.

Thankful

2008-05-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

Even now we realize how much everybody around us helped, and I do mean everyone. It is very difficult to see the impact on others when life seems to have stopped for you. People that we did not talk to for years showed up to offer their condolences. Almost a hundred people wrote letters in support of Kyle. Church members treated the wood on our playground, so the girls could play on it. Our brother in law mowed our lawn for a month. Things that we had wanted to do to our house were being done simply because someone heard through the grapevine that we wanted it. People came to our house and cleaned it, and when we were robbed a few days later they came back and cleaned it again. There were many that even sheltered us from the media so that we could mourn in peace. We are so thankful for the love and the service. We are especially thankful for each and every person that dropped everything to be there to help us through those two days. It is amazing, you would think people didn't actually have jobs. =) I am kidding of course. Honestly, we do not really know everything that everybody did, and this blog is not big enough to list them all, but we want to tell you that you will be blessed for all you did for us.

Tragedy Strikes

2008-05-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

I was still busy working on the computer and when Kyle came home he helped. I actually have a memory of him carrying Amberlee to just behind the pony wall and setting her car seat down with her asleep in it. Even though I know that didn't happen, I have that memory?? WEIRD

We tried to plan a trip to Illinios, which never seemed to work out, and then Kyle went to get ready for work. I went to find Amberlee to feed her.
I looked everywhere, and my heart sunk as I realized what might be. Kyle Where's Amberlee? I asked over and over. He didn't seem to hear me, and then I said you took her with you to your mom's, she went with you, is she still in the car? and then it sunk completely...Kyle realized where she was and he said get the keys...the next few days are a blur really.
I remember calling 911. I remember seeing her there purple, OH she was so hot to touch. She was breathing though, and I just didn't know what that meant. I wanted it to mean she was ok, but it didn't. We kept changing cool cloths and we kept putting them all over her, and her color did return, but her pupils were like pinpricks, and that never changed. Her mouth was releasing some strange mucous that I cleaned out, but it kept coming. And she moaned this horrible moan over and over again.
We were experiencing everybody's worst nightmare, in slow motion.
The emergency crew arrived and began to work on her, and they would not talk to me. They wanted me to continue holding her. Had I known that that was the last time I would be able to hold her without tubes and medical supplies, I would have done it and not been so selfish. It was just so hard for me to see her like that. My precious baby, filled with life that morning, and now struggling for life in a way that she never should have had to. I asked if they thought she would be ok, and they said they didn't know. I could see it in their faces though. Sometimes a person doesn't have to answer with words.

Life Changes

2008-05-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

Never, ever say to yourself, Life is Good! You will be tested, and you will be shown how blessed you are, and how quickly that can change.

I remember the morning of June 28th so clearly. I woke up, knowing my Mother In Law needed some help with errands, and planning my day accordingly. I scheduled a gym appointment with a trainer, because I was exercising so regularly I felt I needed to up the anti. I left the gym so happy. I was volunteering at my kids schools, I had a new baby that was blessing our life, I was losing weight finally after years of trying I figured out the key (nutrition btw), the kids were behaving, I was reading my scriptures regularly, even my relationship with my husband was working out well. Life was GREAT!!!. I got into our brand new Honda CRV, which I adored and thought was just the cutest thing ever. As I started the engine to drive to my Mother In Law's House I said to myself, Life is good. I am so happy, things are finally going in the right direction. Thank you.

After running my errands I ran home quick, but what I thought would be quick turned out to be not so quick. Something was spilled on the floor, and I had to sweep and mop. My poor Mother In Law waited patiently while Kyle and I swept then mopped. Ooh, I have 2 quick bills to pay is that ok...sure...so I got on the phone and started paying the car payment on that new car that I loved so much. My mother in law then asked, Can Kyle just run me home quick?...sure.. that will be fine. So they began to go...Oh would you mind taking the baby...so I can finish these bills...No problem.

And then the last words that I would ever hear spoken to my sweet daughter came out of my sweet husbands mouth..."You want to go for a ride?" She was so happy, she beamed at him. She loved car rides. I wish that smile was for me, but it wasn't. Looking at it now, that is probably for the best, because who needs it more than I do. I am still jealous...

What I didn't Expect...

2008-05-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

I think one of the most amazing parts of this is that I didn't expect that tragedy would affect my life in the way it did. Obviously we went through some typical emotions. I am a planner though, and I could not plan them out, FRUSTRATING. When my mind wants to cry it cries, when it wants to move on it moves on. Honestly for the greater part of the year Kyle and I did the minimum we could to survive. I like to call it functioning at a minimum capacity. Brush your teeth if you have to, get dressed if you have to. We had an extreme lack of desire to do more. NO initiative.

I remember that at first I clung to the gospel, and then I let it leave. I was so mad that this happened to me. I was so mad that God is supposed to be loving and caring, yet he didn't protect us from tragedy. I remember bearing my testimony that first month and I remember praying about why this had happened. The answer I got was we don't always have to know why. I was never prompted that my baby was all alone and I should go help her, why. Because this is the lords plan, and we don't always know why. That's it, so simple, yet so difficult to bear.