Great News!!!

So I looked into it...and we got a scholarship for at least part of the funds for the conference. I am very grateful. Also, they will let Camille go...she will be 7 weeks under the age limit, but she is very mature (as you all know) and intelligent for her age. The powers that be would rather her get the help she may need, and the skills she can use to deal with her feelings, so they are allowing her to go. I am so excited...it might seem strange to you all, but there will be many there that will be able to help me with feelings that not everyone can understand...feelings that maybe I hide from you just a little because I am afraid for you to know how bad it gets every now and then.

We will still be holding the car wash for the remainder of the funds. The girls are excited to be a part of it. Of course we will show pictures after he conference and let you know just how much it helped, but as of now it looks very promising that we will be able to attend.

Thank you!
Beth

PS if you know of anyone that might benefit from this conference...any doctors, nurses, or other families that have lost a child, please refer them to the site. I am reading about previous conferences and everyone that has gone says it is a life changing event, that helped them tremendously.

A Good Friend...made a BIG mistake...

OK...so I know I am dwelling...but I can't let it go so I hope you can all learn from this.

I had a friend tell me (several months ago), that I needed to move on. I realize that in some ways this statement is true. I love this friend of mine a lot, and she has never given me bad advice, but I feel that this was the wrong thing to say. I hope that nobody else ever tells me this...I hope that everyone can learn from this. I am trying everyday, making an effort to move forward, but moving on maybe is impossible. I will always have a hole in my heart. I have bad days, most of the time it is just days. AS you might have noticed I spent a lot of time on my Blogs lately. When I am struggling I stay on the computer as a means to avoid the feelings I have in life. Blogging=Life Frustration. This past 8 days or so has been bad. I haven't cried and maybe that is what needs to happen here. I need someone to cry with though, and I haven't picked anyone yet. I need someone I can scream at, that will undesrtand and say all the right things all the while knowing I am not screaming at them.

I am realizing more and more I cannot force myself to change the emotion that I have. I have to go with it. The more I do this, the more I can get where I need to be. I am sorry but my dear friend, I will not MOVE ON. I cannot ignore the pain that exists in my soul. I hope that you can undertand that and love me and listen to me regardless, as I will continue to love you even though you are wrong.

Beth

PS I will start a list of names on this blog for everyone that tells me to Move On so that the world may scourn you, you have been forewarned (just kidding of course)

PPS If you would like to apply for the position of shoulder to cry on...leave you comment as an application here.

I hope I am showing I do have a sense of humor still, at least at the end.

Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "forget" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

Bereavement Conference...Just What I Need

I was researching a bit on some websites that I love that deal with infant loss. I ran into a conference schedule for a conference for bereaved parents.

http://www.missfoundation.org/conference/index.php

I was shocked to realize that the conference is sponsored by ASU and in Phoenix! I am so excited. There are only a couple of problems...the 2 youngest children can't go (solved: thanks Kelli & Wendi), and it is pricey (about $400) for 3 girls, Kyle & Myself. So, I will be holding a Car Wash in front of my house sometime in the next month. Feel free to stop by and get a scrub, heck I will even do bicycles. I am going to this conference no matter what, I have not yet gotten any professional help nor have the girls, and I feel this is exactly what we need. Have I mentioned I am excited to go yet, if not let me say it again...oh wait I just did.

I found this video that discusses the foundation if you are interested click the picture to play the video...You can pause the blog music at the bottom of the page in order to hear the video.

Consider the Lillies

This song was sung at Amberlee's funeral, and it is simply beautiful. A few weeks afterward, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir performed it as well. This is significant because the 2 family members that sang it at the funeral, also performed it with the choir. I thought I would include a video of this performance, and the inspiring song because I just found it on YouTube a couple of days ago. Enjoy.

Fever...

So...sometimes random things affect me...and today was no exception. Riesse got 4 shots yesterday, and she is running a fever, a rather high fever. I was up most of the night with her, and I have no problem being with her and taking care of her. I love giving extra attention to a sick child, I want them to feel especially loved when they are ill. However, as I was driving today it hit me. I just started crying, and I realized that I am pushing her away whenever her fever gets high. I just can't be near her until the Tylenol takes down the fever, and this is unlike me. Hmmm...

As I was driving it all clicked...My children are usually not sick and they have not had high fevers for quite sometime. This may even be the first time that one of them has had a high fever, since Amberlee's death. The last time I held a child that felt hot, was when I held Amberlee for the paramedics. Whenever I have a stimulus like this, that makes me remember, it makes me remember everything. Sometimes I remember little details that I try hard not to remember. Unfortunatly, this time made me remember a lot. I am going to try not to push Riesse away now that I realize why, but I cannot believe how aversive I am to her because of her fever. I really hate some of these emotions, and I realize they are all part of healing, I just want it to be normal again. I know it never will, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

...And yet another Stage...

So today I went to pick up the remainder of Amberlee's things from the Police Station.

As I was standing in the evidence pick-up area, I struggled. I was shaking, and rather dizzy...and I kept looking through the window while the people working seemed to wait for an unnecessary amount of time to bring the (evidence) stuff out to me.

Suddenly Amberlee's things were there. I am glad it was all in bags, because I probably would have collapsed if I had actually seen the items right away. I signed the paper, loaded up the car, and headed out still extremely dizzy, hoping breathing deeper would help me to drive more carefully. It helped that Riesse all of a sudden wanted to talk in cute little infant speak, and she lightened the mood a bit.

When I got home I slowly pulled each item out one by one. I didn't notice that the 2 most difficult pieces would be last, but I was happy that it turned out that way. Then they were out of the bag, quite literally. First was her outfit. I forgot what it looked like. It is quite adorable, pink with little white polka dots and a tiny bit of lace on the sleeves, it is comforting to have it back. Second was her carseat. I loved the carseat, with 6 children we have been through a lot, and this was always my favorite. It doesn't seem to make the babies sweat the way others do, and the handle is more comfortable. It is nice to have it back too. Her outfit and her carseat. Of course they smelled bad after a year in storage, so I cleaned them. What gets me though is that they seem to comfort me, yet they scare me at the same time.

I feel like I am doing okay, but I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. Shortly after I finished cleaning the first load in the washer, I looked around for Camille and thought I might have fogotten her, but I did not, I know it was just the anxiety of what I was doing. Remembering the events of the day Amberlee got hurt. Camille was safely on the toilet, haha.

I really want to move on. I want these stages to be over, everytime I turn my back I feel like I am in yet another stage that brings a flood of emotions that are impossible to control. I really miss her.

My Mother In Law was with me today, and she said that it does not get easier with time. I feel it is important to share with you what I think about this.

She is right, it does not get easier with time. However, the bad moments, sadness, grief, pain, the flooding of emotions that drag me down and threaten to overcome me...those happen less and less. They don't get easier, just fewer and farther between, and that is what makes life bearable.

The song on my blog, "Held" by Natalie Grant has a line it in that includes the phrase, "We're asking, why this happened, to those of us who have Died to Live." I think this phrase has so much meaning. This phrase sums up how we feel nearly perfectly, and Kyle agrees with me on this. We feel like we died to live, and continue to live. I want the dying to stop, the numb parts of me to rejuvenate. I want to mourn my loss, and know that one day I will be with her again, but I want it to allow me to be myself again. That is what I am praying for at least.

If you haven't listened to the song please do, and please know that it expresses how we feel, maybe even in a way that is incomprehensible to people who have not experienced the same loss as we have. It shares our anger, as well as our hope, and it gives us the faith we need in God's Plan.

I love you all.Beth

PS To listen to the song, go to the very bottom of the blog, and find the song. Double click or maybe single click on it and it will start. If you have trouble e-mail me and I will help you, if you are as desperate to hear it as I am to have you hear it.

All right...I am now asking your opinion because I opened an envelope today and started bawling. This doesn't happen very often...but today it most certainly hit me like a ton of bricks.

Phoenix Children's Hospital is having a "We Remember Them" Memorial Service for all of the children that passed away at the hospital during 2007. They want us to send in a picture, and do a scrapbook page for Amberlee...as well as attend. The ceremony is supposed to promote peace and comfort.

So I am not sure...my thoughts are scattered here. I am afraid that seeing all those parents that lost children might be overwhelming...and most of them will be crying...I just don't know if this is the best thing. Maybe it will help to know that we are not alone. The hospital has done many things to ease our loss, and I am sure that this will be nothing short of amazing...I am afraid to go though. It might be healing...it might be an experience I shouldn't go without. What do you think?

Please comment and let me know what you think, and if you are courageous enough, why you think it.

Thanks.

Difficult to Swallow

So...interestingly...today Riesse is the same age as Amberlee was when she was injured...therefore Tomorrow...Riesse will become older than Amberlee had the chance to become. This morning...I gave Riesse a bath...and she kicked and splashed me significantly...Amberlee did this same thing to Kyle the morning of her last healthy day...I think this is the last challenge...but it is more difficult for me to swallow than even the anniversary of when Amberlee died. I feel like I am re-living the timing...with a different baby. I don't know how to explain it. Just Pray...Please, and if you can...call or hang out. I am trying to be busy to make sure I don't dwell...I keep saying...please help me through this one more thing...and there seems to be more...I am truly hoping this is it.

I love you all... Beth

4th of July, My Favorite...

Yesterday was fun...I even got into a pool with my kids. Independance Day has always been my favorite holiday (and it actually feels like my favorite again)...Riesse absolutely loves the fireworks!!! She really is my baby...because there is nothing better for me than good fireworks. As I was holding her and watching her eyes grow big with every burst of color I became a little teary eyed. I missed 4th of July Fireworks with Amberlee by a little less than a week. Watching the Fireworks with my Family last night was an answer to a prayer. We are actually grasping life again...and enjoying each other and the holidays again. This is the way I choose to move forward...starting with my favorite holiday, counting my blessings one by one. I am excited to Dive in.