Amberlee Turns 5

Well this is it.  The last of the large milestones, well at least for awhile.  This year, on March 22nd Amberlee turned 5.  The day was tumultuous.  I felt the sting the day before but was blessed by a very good friend that distracted me for the better part of the day.  We ate Rainbow Cupcakes, but did not do much otherwise.  It was a quiet, easy peaceful day.

I am not sure where to go from here.  Part of me feels that to continually blog dredges out sadness...I need to focus on so many things in my life, while living with this grief.  Other parts of me realize that this blog may be helping someone.  It may make someone else realize that their pain is not abnormal, that losing a child is horribly sad and life changing.

I do have to say that I am in a good place.  I am not sure why, but Amberlee's death and the circumstances surrounding it do not seem as traumatizing as they once did.  Now, I simply miss her.  I miss having her here as I see my other children grow and I wonder where she would be.  I miss having my family complete and with me.  I miss her brown eyes.  I have a constant longing and slight ache that I feel nearly every day.  Of course I would, she is my daughter and I do not have her here.  I no longer feel the need to eliminate friends that don't support my grief.  At this stage I could see why they might be concerned if I were to dwell and sob constantly.  Having said that, I hope they understand that I still need to remember her.

There will be days that I talk about my daughter, still.  There will be day when I chose to remember, and even comment on Facebook about her.  I hope that those who know me, believer that I am healing.  But I will always have a place for my daughter in my life.

With Love,
Beth

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=356769


This is very well written.  My comment on facebook says, "WOW...this article is awesome. Strangely the part about dignity resonated with me. That is what I wanted in the hospital, and somehow we did not get it in the way we wished. It's strange to be on this side of the fence...looking at everybody's worst nightmare, and knowing what it actually feels like, everyday."

What do you think? 

If you want to understand...READ THIS

This article tells it like it is, while its hard to read it is brutally honest.

http://www.jsonline.com/news/opinion/the-heartache-of-infant-loss-131289299.html

4 Years Later

I feel like I am forgetting her.
I feel like I am losing her more.
But the memories of that day seem very real.
Is she just a picture or a photo?
I try very hard to block out the bad.
I don't want to remember the trauma.

And then, suddenly, I remember everything
and I even feel her near.
All that love and emotion come flooding back.
Her smell, her touch, her soul.
I inhale deely, because I FEEL HER in my soul.

I know she still exists.
I know she is near me.
I still love her the same.

And I can make it through...another year.

Life Changes, more

There are times in my life when I start to wonder if heaven is real. I start to wonder if all we work for in this life, leads to nowhere. What happens when we die? It quite frankly scares me beyond belief sometimes to think that one day, there might be darkness and nothing, and my family and friends won't be with me. That is a horrible and sad way to live and it has a way of bringing a person down. Why or how could we maintain such a belief? Even if that is what happened when we die, why live life in misery believing the end is really the end for our spirits?

I have struggled with these thoughts lately. And having struggled with them makes me remember the day Amberlee was dying, when I felt her little spirit speak to me and I knew without a doubt it was her. I also think of the days after she passed, when our family sat in her room and she sent each of us a message at the same time. My sister in law Amanda even received the very same message at her home, but she was not with us. How can you explain this? If Amberlee did not still exist, how can we explain that she spoke to our hearts. There are other experiences that I have had that make me believe that this life cannot be the end of our living. I just wish I could grasp that idea forever, and never lose sight of it.

Today, I got a wonderful message while watching LDS General Conference. Something I needed to hear, and it was really tailored for me and my current struggle. Simply, in the middle of a talk, President Thomas S. Monson told me
;)
"Life beyond the grave is as real and as certain as is our life her on earth."

Those simple words will resonate with me for a long time. I hope they will heal the wounds that I have suffered while questioning life beyond the life we are living now. I am grateful today for this much needed sentence, and while I know to some extent I just want to believe those words. I also feel in my heart that they are true, and that feeling makes all the difference.

<3 Beth
For all those babies that have gone before us, and are waiting for us to one day be with them again.

"Some believe that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my baby running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is ...doing that when she looks behind, I'll already be there" anonymous

you can't fight people unwilling to listen

I just don't understand. The first baby this year died after being forgotten and left in the car by its mother. The comments made by people in response to the article is always alarming to me.

People can't see that mistakes happen? People don't understand that a parent suffers from loss like this?

I like to compare these losses to a parent accidentally leaving the pool gate open, and a child drowns. How is it any different really? In both instances, the brain lapses...and tragedy befalls. The treatment between the 2 are much different though. If a child drowns after the gate is left open, you may initially feel anger, but usually compassion follows as you probably have done it yourself at one time.

Many parents have forgotten their child. Many of my friends told me they forgot theirs, it just wasn't at a time where the child got hurt. However, when all the circumstances connect...once a child is forgotten...a child dies.

In our case...it was one of the worst days that our basal ganglia could fail us.

Would I trade anything to go back to that day and change several circumstances...YOU BET. I can't do that though. I can't ever go back.

Amberlee would be 4 years old this month...as my heart breaks wishing she would here, remembering her, and those events. It also breaks knowing that 35 parents will suffer my same fate...this year...and the first one is just experiencing it now.

Prayers for all the babies and parents that have been lost to Hyperthemia...prayers for the people that don't understand, that maybe one day they will...prayers for those that will suffer this fate this year.

I have a lump in my throat, and just can't shake the feeling that I just can't help. I desperately wish I could.

Love you for listening.
Beth

Locked In: Why Child Car Deaths Are on the Rise - DivineCaroline

Locked In: Why Child Car Deaths Are on the Rise - DivineCaroline

3 years ago,..she was lying in her hospital bed...

This says it all. Happy Mother's Day

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore does a wonderful job of explaining what life becomes after loosing a child. I hope you will take the chance to travel to her blog and read this. I hesitated to read it at first, but once I read it, I had to share. It is very well said/written.

<3
Happy Mothers Day

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2010/05/grieving-mothers-manifesto.html

New Angels

I am often shocked by the number of people I meet that have lost babies. While I am grateful to have them in my lives, it is very difficult to support them w/o loosing a bit of myself in it. Regardless, this is a gift I have been given and I am happy to help wherever I am needed. I am grateful for the strength I have as well as the chance to provide service if possible.

Recently, two people that I have met and enjoyed lost their babies. I know some of the path they will travel. It inspires me to share this...

Mother's Day is coming up. Anyone you know that has lost a baby, please remember them. Please suggest to them you are thinking of them and their baby. They will never forget their child that is not with them. Its not like a day can go by where you don't remember one of your children is not with you. So I abhor you, contact those Mother's you know that might be having a difficult time on Mother's day. Tell them you love them, tell them you are thinking of their angel. Sometimes its the small gestures that mean the most. I am certain they would be grateful. Here is a list of suggestions for what you might do.

• Write a Letter, To Show You Care
• Think of a Unique Way to Remember
• Never Say "Move On" They will when they can.
• If you are Inspired, Do it
• Don't Say "I'm Sorry", Feel It
• Send a Card, I'm thinking of You
• Let them talk about it, this can help the most.
• Remember Anniversaries Monthly at First then Yearly
• Remember Anniversaries Birth & Death
• Holidays are important, Mother's Day, Father's Day especially

Peace be with all the Angel Mommies this Mother's Day. I love you and I am here for your support. Whatever you need. ((Hugs))