99 Days...

Amberlee lived for 99 days. That statement used to make me feel horrible. Because she couldn't even make it to 100, and because of the guilt over why she didn't make it. Last year those 99 days (one year later) were very difficult. I would often think about how she was alive last year at this point? Was I ignoring her to pay a bill, was I thinking more about myself then her? Did I show her I loved her?

This year is different. Very different. As I cruise through these 99 days I feel a peace encompassing me. The comfort is assuring me that every year this may just get easier. As I look back this year I get the feeling to inhale it in. To remember her smell, and the way her soft little head felt on my shoulder. I am still in awe over how familiar her smell is to me, even though she is gone. This year, those 99 days are a beautiful trip back to my daughter, and the wonderful days I spent with her before she left, no matter how much of a stranger I feel she is becoming; for these 99 days I can remember.

I wonder what this means for the dreaded June 28th & June 29th. Will those days be more difficult? Her Birthday was a challenge this year, will it be the same?

So many questions are left unanswered, and there is too much time to pass before I will see my daughter again. The time seems very long. I know I have a job to do here. I know that there are many things for me to accomplish, and many lives for me to bless by my experience and faith with loss.

This week I have received many compliments about the person I have become through this tragedy. These compliments help so much to bless me and make me feel like I should keep going.

Quite often I wonder, why me? My father died when I was 2 years old! My baby died! Some people go through life without any challenges, but I get 2 of the worst challenges in this life, and I am still young. What sort of challenges do I have yet to face? So why me!!!!! There are times that I think that I would trade the person I am becoming to not have to suffer. If I look at this road honestly though, I wouldn't. I am able to help countless people, and to share my heart with those people. There are many mothers that have lost their children, just like I did, that need a voice. Some simply cannot express their grief, and some just need a hug. Some are just starting on their path, and need a hand to hold along the way.

I pray that God will put more of these beautiful women on my path. I pray that he will inspire me to help them in a way that they need me to help them. I pray that for these next 99 days, I can hear their voices.

If you know of anyone that has lost a baby. Or if you are one yourself, just reading the blog to make some sense of your own tragedy. Please share your story here. Under the words of encouragemnt, please tell me about your baby or your beautiful child. Tell me how you lost your child, but also how your child lived with you. Explain what you remember, and what you miss.

I give you hugs if you are suffering. I wish we didn't belong to this group, but think of the glory we will share in the end.

Thanks again for listening.
Beth

Grateful

I was thinking today about all of the trials we have been through since Amberlee left us. Honestly, our life seems to be operating like we are running backwards down the hill that we have worked for 10 years to climb. Last week I lost it. You know those days when you feel like you are in the 11th hour, and you cannot handle anymore. Well that was me last week. I called a friend, and I am certain she could only understand 1/2 of what I was saying through my sobs and mumbling. Then I prayed really hard, and I mentioned that we are not supposed to be given more than we can handle. Honestly, with everything, I am on the brink of being given more than I can handle. Well my prayers were answered, and the stress of the challenges seem to be lessening. I have also been blessed to realize something amazing.

Every single trial we are faced with in life brings us blessings. They all give us both minor, and major gifts that are meant to make us grow while we are here. In the society we live in it is easy to dwell on the negative. What we've lost, what we don't have, whatever we can find to complain about. I am certainly not an optimist, and I am certainly not the best at not complaining, but...I am trying to realize these blessings and they are there. They are everywhere. I have to be grateful for those things that I do have, and that is the best way for me to make it through. That is the best way I can inspire others to make it through, with my actions. There is a plan that we don't quite understand...but one day we will look back and realize why...and I am certain we will be impressed at the road it took to complete that plan.

I know we have heard the phrase "Count your blessings!" a million times. The depth of the cliche is often shadowed by the fact that it is a cliche and therefore overused and underappreciated. If we truly try to look at the good that comes from each trial...I think that we will honestly see more good than bad. The gifts for succeeding in this life are even bigger...we just need to hold on to the good things not the bad, and we need to do our best to show this to everyone around us. We need to count our blessings, but to live in a way that eminates that we have absorbed this concept.

Amberlee's Birthday was difficult this year. I really miss her. There are songs that come on the radio, and I cry almost instantly. One in particular "It won't be like this for long" by Darius Rucker, hits me really hard. The song is about new parents dealing with the struggles of their newborn daughter. I cry because it feels like Amberlee will be a newborn forever. I look at her picture and Riesse seems older than her. I don't understand how all of this will work out. But then the song says "one day soon that girl is gonna be...all grown up and gone". I truly hope that one day I will get this chance. I pray that I will get to raise her and see her grow up. Obviously, none of knows exactly what happens when this life is through, but I hope that what I feel in my heart is real, will in fact be real. I hope that it won't be like this for long. In church I've learned that time is an earthly construct, I am looking forward to looking back and thinking, wow, that was hard...but really, the challenges didn't last that long. Also, I am looking forward to know without a doubt that the blessings outweighed the challenges.

Thx again for listening.

Amberlee's 2nd Birthday

I will write more later, because I have no energy for it now. But today is Amberlee's 2nd Birthday. As I sit here I am imagining all of the things a 2 year old would be doing. I can imagine cute little ponytails sticking straight out. She would be walking, she would probably be running. I am sure she would tell me, "I love you, mommy!". She would be sleeping in a big girl bed, and playing with her sisters as often as she could. I don't know what kind of a child she would have been, because she left too soon for us to know. We miss her, and the loss seems so much stronger today for some reason. I wish I had a textbook to tell me what to expect over the next few years, but instead I learn from day to day. I need the strength of my friends and family, to help me through. That is one thing I have always been certain of.

Please take the time and post your thoughts, comments, love, well wishes, hugs, and memories here. They are much appreciated.

*note: to make a comment click on Words of Encouragement at the bottom of this post...and it will guide you in sharing with us.

Disneyland Part. 2

The last time I visited Disneyland was June 2007. Do the math, or simply use your memory. That was the same month that Amberlee passed away. It was a wonderful trip, but there is a certain pain that exists from remembering. I am sure that we took pictures of this trip, but we were robbed just after Amberlee died, and we have no pictures to prove we were ever there because our camera was stolen.

It is kind of neat to be able to say, that Amberlee was gone too soon, but she did get to visit Disneyland while she was here. =) I am glad we had that trip. I am bringing it up because of this.

While I was there this weekend, I had to visit the nursing room because I am a nursing mother. I did not have Riesse with me but I needed to pump for her (TMI I know). I sat down in the room, and began working and then I began sobbing. All of a sudden it hit me that the last time I was there I was there nursing Amberlee. I sobbed and sobbed, and I am sure the other mother's were wondering if I was crazy. I guess I am a bit crazy. It was special to know I sat 2 chairs away holding my sweet baby during the short time I had her, but it was sad to know I could not hold her now.

I don't run into many reminders, and usually I like to relish in them and cherish the good times. The emotions I am experience are probably a result of knowing that this weekend is her birthday. Maybe they are just regular human emotions that we try to stiffle. Whatever the reason, it is difficult. I am looking forward to her birthday celebration, but I miss her.

Often I wonder what others' think. I have received comments that I should move on. Recently someone told me to forget that my daughter died (I have never hated someone so much!). I don't feel that I dwell on her, but there is a certain time of year (March thru July) where I miss her a lot, and I feel that pain is wrapping around me. Should I really move on? Is that possible. In my heart I don't believe so, for either question. But in my mind I wonder how much of this is ok. Everyone says that their greatest fear is losing a child, and I am living it. When asked, most people believe they would simply die, and obviously I did not, so I have to live with this.

Is the path really one that I must create on my own? I truly wish that there were more people that would voice their opinion on the road I am travelling. By saying this I mean, encourage me to live with this in the most positive way. I wish people would both support my pain and encourage my strength. Why does this have to be a black or white thing? If people cannot understand, then why don't they try to learn to help and support the new life that I am living.

If you were to ask any mother that lost a child, they would tell you, "I will never be over it." I have a hole in my heart that is always there, and certain songs and memories make me feel that hurt. However, I am making something of this pain, by trying to help those that suffer it along with me. Please accept that I will never be over this. Please hug me when I cry, and ask to cry with me if you see that I need to. If you feel so inclined, please ask me to take you to visit Amberlee's resting place, and help to make light of it. Especially, share memories of her if you have them. Mostly, for those of us who have lost the most precious thing we hold, we simply want to see that we are loved, even though we will never again be the same.

Thanks again for listening.
Beth

Disneyland Part. 1

One of the biggest struggles that I've faced with the loss of my daughter, is learning to trust again. This trust does not only apply to my husband, but anyone that ever watches Riesse. I struggle to believe that anyone can care for my children as well as I can.

Some friends of mine and I decided about a year ago to go to Disneyland together in March. Well one thing led to another, and I couldn't afford to go. About 3 weeks ago I got a phone call from a friend that told me she was paying for me to go. She said that I needed to learn to leave my baby and trust my husband, and that she wanted me to seriously consider going.

It took me until 2 days before the trip to ultimately decide to go. At that point I was excited, and hopeful that the adventure would be exciting, and I would not feel the fear I so often feel leaving my child without me.

While I was gone, my husband did WAY more than I could ever expect. He took amazing care of my children. They constantly did things, and had fun together despite the fact that I was gone. This has been such a blessing, because now I feel like I can reach out and depend on him and others a little more.

I have to thank my friends for harrassing me and forcing me to go, because I had an amazing time. I hope that we will be able to do it again.

The trip was significant for another reason...but I will get into that in Disneyland Part. 2

A Most Impossible Rainbow...

Yesterday I did my 1st ever 1/2 marathon. If you read this blog all the way through...you know the story about the rainbows that we see and attribute to Amberlee being near.

The night before the marathon...I added some songs that remind me of Amberlee, and I thought to myself how much I wanted her to be with me for my marathon...and how much I wanted her to see my success.

When we started the marathon we were just strolling along and I looked toward the sky. There was no rain, and only a light mist of clouds that were very far and very high up. I looked several times, kind of in shock...and then asked my friends "Do you see a Rainbow over there?" They looked and said, Yes. Well, like I said, there was absolutely nothing to cause a rainbow...but there definitely was a rainbow.

Sometimes I find these signs hard to believe. Really, I am more of a realist in life and I don't like to make something out of nothing. This one is hard to argue though. How can a most impossible rainbow happen, in circumstances that are scientifically proven not to cause rainbows? Maybe there is another way to create one...but I am pretty sure you have to have the light source behind you (the sun was in front of me), and you also have to have water on the opposite side of you, opposite from the light source (ummm...yeah...no water).

I am officially declaring this rainbow as a gift/blessing from Amberlee, or someone else that can create them. Someone who knew just how much I needed to see a Rainbow on such a significant day in my life. This truly was a GIFT in every way.

As always...thanks for listening.
Beth

The Approach...

I remember last year...as we were approaching Amberlee's birthday. I was so very scared about what I would feel that day. I remember my friends, at her party, patting me on the should, and saying I am sorry. The days and weeks leading up to her birthday were a nightmare. The unknown is never fun, and this was the least fun of all.

But then her birthday came. It was a beautiful day in every way. Every detail came out perfectly, and I was happy. I remembered the joy that I felt being pregnant with Amberlee. I remember the perfect natural delivery, and how sweet her little face was during my hospital stay. This day of all days, was a blessing for me. It is wonderful when I get a chance to remember the good, and not be drawn down by the bad.

Well here we are again. Approaching Amberlee's 2nd Birthday. Can you believe she would be 2? I can't, I am amazed at how time seems to steal away those memories I would have. I am amazed at how old she is, and how young she seems in pictures. At the same time, I feel she is so much older and wiser than even I am, because she is done with the trials of this unrelenting earth.

We are going to celebrate her birthday this year. When I think about it, why wouldn't I. It was a wonderful day for a wonderful little spirit. As time goes by, I feel that Amberlee becomes a bit of a stranger to me. I am forgetting who she was. This is, like many things are after losing a child, both a blessing and a curse for me. If I don't consistently remember and dwell, then I can move forward in my life until the day I can be with her again. I just wish, that for days like these that I could remember a little bit more. As usual, I am sure some blessing will come my way, and help me even more on that day. But as for now, I am sitting worrying, and wondering how it will be. Will the day once again be amazing?

If you have any ideas for what we can do, please share them in the comments. AS of now, I have only thought of cupcakes, in rainbow colors, with the #2 written on them. Feel free to share anything you come up with, just remember we are being frugal for 2009. =)

Thank for loving me, and listening.
Beth

Poetry to Describe the effects of an Angel

Our Little Angel
By Michael Ryan

Tell me how a baby girl can live so long, but die so soon. Can you tell me how ice blue eyes and a cute belly laugh can draw so many to her? How about how we are so sad that she left, yet feel nothing but pride for her; a sense that she accomplished what she came for?

Alas, it cannot be put into words. You could tell, though, if you could have seen her. I could spend all day listening to her little laugh. When she cried, the whole world tried to make her smile. She pulled people together, our little angel. My sister, I miss you.

I may never know why you were taken from us, but I do know hundreds mourned your death. I saw the seats of the church filled, the walls lined with people, all the way to the entrance hall, every one of them, people you’ve touched, our little Angel. My sister, we miss you.

I cherished our time with you, but I took it for granted. I never knew you, so innocent and loving, would be taken from us. Your loss left its scars, but your memory gives us life, our little angel. My sister, we love you.

-Dedicated with love to my little sister, Aslyn Paige Tallulah Ryan
February 1, 2003- February 7, 2004
She was loved, and greatly missed.

I ran into this...and cried and cried!

So...I am doing well...don't worry so much. I ran into something this weekend. Most of you know I was exercising and losing weight when Amberlee died. Well, 2 days ago I was on CalorieKing.com and I was reviewing the bronze level (maybe tmi). Anyway I realized I had a blog on CalorieKing from who knows when. I decided to look it up, not knowing what would be there.

I found the following post...it is from the day before Amberlee died. The bottom section is an update I wrote this weekend. I cannot read this without being drawn to tears. It is both a blessing and a curse because I am happy to be able to look back and see that I am becoming myself again, but I am sad to realize how crappy my life became the very next day. I am sad to realize all that I have been through in these past 18 months. I am glad things are looking better, and for those of you who have also lost babies, I pray that one day you will be able to look back and see that you are making it, despite this long, desperate road we travel on.

I met my husband in college. I worked out regularly, had fun, was very active in life, but then we got married. Work took over, and the activity level after children plummeted. I want to be that person I was in college again. I don't want to lead the current example I am for my girls. I want to learn how to eat right as well as teach them the same. Hopefully if I have good habits, they will not fall into the trap that I have. Currently I have a lot of motivation. My baby is forcing me into a milk free diet because she is allergic. Cheese and chocolate are my worst vices, so without them I have added motivation to succeed. I hope I make it. If I can eat right, and exercies, maybe I can lose 2 lbs a week. If I do that, I could lose 100 lbs in a year. Fortunately I don't have that much to lose, but by the end of the year I could see real results, and learn habits that will improve my quality and quantity of life. Good luck to an active life with my children in the future!!!

Looking at this...the time in my life...it really makes me sad. My daughter that is allergic to milk died right after I wrote this. It changed everything for me and has taken 18 months to get back on track. I am excited to see that my goals are the same...but sad that she will never be here to see it again. I hope that she is watching proudly, knowing that at least in this way...I am getting back to me.

The Tale of Despereaux

I LOVED this movie. I think almost anyone that is filled with grief could leave it with both hope and inspiration. In short...the movie shows how one's person grief can affect many in both good and bad ways...even in ways they dont realize.

Have fun at the movie!...or you know...read the book if you like that =)