I remember last year...as we were approaching Amberlee's birthday. I was so very scared about what I would feel that day. I remember my friends, at her party, patting me on the should, and saying I am sorry. The days and weeks leading up to her birthday were a nightmare. The unknown is never fun, and this was the least fun of all.
But then her birthday came. It was a beautiful day in every way. Every detail came out perfectly, and I was happy. I remembered the joy that I felt being pregnant with Amberlee. I remember the perfect natural delivery, and how sweet her little face was during my hospital stay. This day of all days, was a blessing for me. It is wonderful when I get a chance to remember the good, and not be drawn down by the bad.
Well here we are again. Approaching Amberlee's 2nd Birthday. Can you believe she would be 2? I can't, I am amazed at how time seems to steal away those memories I would have. I am amazed at how old she is, and how young she seems in pictures. At the same time, I feel she is so much older and wiser than even I am, because she is done with the trials of this unrelenting earth.
We are going to celebrate her birthday this year. When I think about it, why wouldn't I. It was a wonderful day for a wonderful little spirit. As time goes by, I feel that Amberlee becomes a bit of a stranger to me. I am forgetting who she was. This is, like many things are after losing a child, both a blessing and a curse for me. If I don't consistently remember and dwell, then I can move forward in my life until the day I can be with her again. I just wish, that for days like these that I could remember a little bit more. As usual, I am sure some blessing will come my way, and help me even more on that day. But as for now, I am sitting worrying, and wondering how it will be. Will the day once again be amazing?
If you have any ideas for what we can do, please share them in the comments. AS of now, I have only thought of cupcakes, in rainbow colors, with the #2 written on them. Feel free to share anything you come up with, just remember we are being frugal for 2009. =)
Thank for loving me, and listening.
Beth
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2 comments:
I think it is wonderful that you are celebrating and remembering! Cupcakes are always fun and yummy!
Hi Beth,
I don't know if you know I lost my brother to Cancer during high school but I can totally relate to what are saying in this post about having trouble remembering. My brother was such a special person-my best friend, and it breaks my heart sometimes that I am having trouble remembering him. However, sometimes I am glad for this because it does take the edge off the pain of losing him. Some things we have done to celebrate his birthday and life is write letters to him or go to the cemetary and have cake. Simple things to help us get through the day. I love reading your blog you are an example of strength.
Jocelyn
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