I started reading this book a couple of weeks ago on my way back from Sacramento. I really enjoyed it. Some of the religiosity is confusing, and arguable, but the storyline is awesome. There is some depth to this book for someone suffering this un-imaginable grief. The book is about a young girl that is brutally murdered. Her father, in a path to escape The Great Sadness goes back to "the shack" where some of her remains were found, and in that trip he finds God in a very real way. If you ever get a chance, please read it.
Having said that. I have to mention that every once in awhile...when I feel like I can't do it anymore...its like I somehow get this little first aid kid to help me through. I am not speaking literally, but figuratively. I am really angry lately, and really frustrated with my grief which seems even stronger than before. Despite this grief, I have had little "bandaids" and "neosporin" left on my path.
Music is my greatest therapy. I cling to it, I find songs that will bless my life, and heal the wounded portions. I've been seeking out songs lately to listen to to help me, but for awhile I hadn't heard anything that really helped, until yesterday. Yesterday, twice when I got in the car the song "Always" by Building 429 played. Today was even more eventful, but has a bigger meaning.
I was in the car with almost all of the children that were at my house when we found Amberlee in the car, June 28th of 2007. On the way to QT, the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me played. I felt very blessed. This song had also played the previous day on the radio all the way through. I sang it out loud while driving alone in the car, tears streaming down my face. The song really became a prayer for me at that moment. One of the final phrases says "Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow." The phrase is repeated, and as I sang it I realized how much I meant this prayer as I was singing the song.
Today when it played again, the same reaction came to me. I sang the song, along with the girls in my car who also know it, and know why it is special. Well they of course noticed I was crying. I looked back and noticed the same of some of them. Right after this song played...it was like God was playing a soundtrack just for us...because the song..."Always" was then played on KLOVE. At this point there was no hope. Just a bunch of girls in a car, at QT, crying, and thinking about the pain and the loss that we are suffering. Aften, the oldest, told me she was thinking about Amberlee and that it was June. My heart just broke as she tried to smile but I knew she couldn't keep it in much longer. Then she also burst into tears.
These moments are teaching moments. Although I am angry, and feel this emotion...I don't want my children to hate life because of what we've been through. I took the moment to share with them why I like the songs in detail. I explained to them that no matter how bad we feel, the promise of what Christ suffered for us...makes it ok. He knows the pain we are going through, and all we have to do is ask for help. He understands what and why we feel the way we do, and really that should be enough. But he also understands when it is not, and when these time are challenging for even the most spiritual people.
Honestly, I don't feel much like asking for help lately. But I guess the song was a start. Because someone has not only been leaving bandaids (songs) to help me heal from this anger, but also they are leaving neosporin (the shack) to heal the wound. There is a path here I am sure of it...but I just don't know how far or how much more difficult it will be. I realize that I need faith, and prayers to help me through, but I can't always be the one that offers those things. Feel free to help in any way you know how. =)
Thanks again for listening.
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