3 years ago,..she was lying in her hospital bed...

This says it all. Happy Mother's Day

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore does a wonderful job of explaining what life becomes after loosing a child. I hope you will take the chance to travel to her blog and read this. I hesitated to read it at first, but once I read it, I had to share. It is very well said/written.

<3
Happy Mothers Day

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2010/05/grieving-mothers-manifesto.html

New Angels

I am often shocked by the number of people I meet that have lost babies. While I am grateful to have them in my lives, it is very difficult to support them w/o loosing a bit of myself in it. Regardless, this is a gift I have been given and I am happy to help wherever I am needed. I am grateful for the strength I have as well as the chance to provide service if possible.

Recently, two people that I have met and enjoyed lost their babies. I know some of the path they will travel. It inspires me to share this...

Mother's Day is coming up. Anyone you know that has lost a baby, please remember them. Please suggest to them you are thinking of them and their baby. They will never forget their child that is not with them. Its not like a day can go by where you don't remember one of your children is not with you. So I abhor you, contact those Mother's you know that might be having a difficult time on Mother's day. Tell them you love them, tell them you are thinking of their angel. Sometimes its the small gestures that mean the most. I am certain they would be grateful. Here is a list of suggestions for what you might do.

• Write a Letter, To Show You Care
• Think of a Unique Way to Remember
• Never Say "Move On" They will when they can.
• If you are Inspired, Do it
• Don't Say "I'm Sorry", Feel It
• Send a Card, I'm thinking of You
• Let them talk about it, this can help the most.
• Remember Anniversaries Monthly at First then Yearly
• Remember Anniversaries Birth & Death
• Holidays are important, Mother's Day, Father's Day especially

Peace be with all the Angel Mommies this Mother's Day. I love you and I am here for your support. Whatever you need. ((Hugs))

Happy Birthday Amberlee!

Today is Amberlee's 3rd Birthday. I am feeling the comfort and peace this morning, and would even think she is with us. I love these feelings, which are fewer and farther between. When you lead up to a day that you know will be a nightmare, and someone is giving you the strength you need to get through. For today, the best I can share is this wonderful song by Building 429...which is true. When our world falls apart there is someone here to remind us that he will take care of us through this. Always, no matter what. In our Anger, in our Fear, in our Screaming. He brings us comfort and peace.

In ways I am truly forgetting this, as we distance ourself from the day we lost Amberlee, I feel the comfort and peace less...but today I am reminded. I am grateful for the love that is shown us in support. We are not the only people that miss this sweet baby. We are reminded of her always, and cannot wait to see her again.

Until We Meet Again sweet princess...Take care of her Dad, Take care of her Grandpa, Take care of her angels.

From a Friend

From the Funeral

This Week

This week is proving to be more difficult than I remember last year being.

On Saturday, I got the blessing of seeing a video of my father for the first time ever. He died when I was 2 years old, and I have never seen him alive that I can remember. This 13 seconds was such a blessing...I wish I could describe it better.

Well that reminded me of something things.

I am now 17 weeks pregnant and on Wednesday I have an Ultrasound and Dr. Appointment. We'll get to see what we are having. That is exciting, except, when the receptionist gave me the date of the appointment I stopped dead in my tracks. She was like...are you ok...do you need a different day.

Well...Amberlee was due on March 18th...the day my father died 30 years ago. That was hard to swallow...had I only known this would be compounded by her death, I had no clue what the magnamity of the week approaching me would be like. So I find out what I am having on the 17th, and then on the 18th it will be 30 years since my father passed away. After that, on the 22nd...its Amberlee's Birthday.

Normally I celebrate her birthday and just have fun with it, and its fine. But for some reason I feel emotionally drained. I am usually pretty strong, and helpful, but for now...I am not. I am not sure we choose these things. Maybe this is worsened by the fact that my friends are not nearby. But I am not sure that that is the reason. I think this is just a lot for a person to deal with in one week.

Sure the one is exciting...but it somehow haunts me. I thought it would be so wonderful that Amberlee would be born at the same time as my Dad died. I figured it would help that day feel less daunting. But obviously, when she died, it compounded that sadness for that week.

I guess its just going to be a difficult road for this week. She would be 3 this year. Just like the song says "He would've been 3 today. I miss his smile...I miss his face." I am obviously going there. The time grows more and more distant. I used to think this would be comforting, but the more time that passes, the more distant she seems.

OK...so I am obviously pessimistic right now. I need prayers.

Love Beth

Christmas this year.

I've been meaning to write something for the past few days. I guess the indication of me not writing, shows the mental stature that we've reached here. A lot has happened though, and I believe it all contributes to the warmth we are feeling this year.

In November we moved from Arizona to Utah. The main reason, was Amberlee. We lived in the same house, on the same street. I loved that house before she was injured and died, but afterward, I hated it. No real reason, I just felt this hatred. We searched for a awhile, and we were finally blessed to be able to move to Utah, and let me tell you...its simply perfect here.

I no longer feel the pain I felt daily in AZ. The pain must have been so constant and familiar I barely recognized it. Since we moved I am a better mother, wife, and friend. I am able to do so much more because I am not weighed down by my grief. I do miss being near her resting place, but I am happy to move forward (Not On).

This Christmas is much better than the past. We are able to enjoy it a bit. The holidays actually seem cheery. I have had days. Days where I am dragged down by the pain of missing my sweet baby, but those days are so much fewer than before. Still, I cannot predict when grief will approach and so when it does, it sucks me away for a time. However, I can recall 2 days this entire holiday season. I would say we are doing pretty well. It is still very surreal celebrating Christmas and Family without someone in our family. I am realizing that nearly everyone does this though. Nearly everyone has lost someone close to them that they love. Maybe this loss is the reason the holiday season feels so much more special. We get to celebrate those who are here, and remember those that are not. Many of the Christmas song talk about those that are near and far...and I am sure that this applies to everyone we might consider far away. They apply to anyone we do not have quick access to.

We are visiting our old home for the holidays, and I am interested to see how different it might feel. I am still grateful that by leaving it, we have found healing. We are moving forward in life, and where we go from here is hopefully up. We will never forget our baby, as we count for her every day. We often look at pictures and remember her...but the memories grow distant even still. I wonder if this isn't a blessing, creating the space we need to survive the time that will pass...

Until We Meet Again.

another loss

Sometimes I think, anyone who loses a child should never have to suffer anything like that again. Why really should they have to suffer anything more? But then I realize, we all will experience loss. We all will have something that influences our lives significantly.

I've been putting it off for a little bit now, because I don't really have time for it; but we found out last week that the baby I was carrying had died. It seems so unreal. Why would anyone have to suffer loss 2x? Really, why? We are moving so I am trying really hard to get to Utah and deal with it there, after all its only 5 days away. I am not sure I can wait anymore. This sucks.

To anyone that has had a miscarriage. I am so sorry. We invest our bodies for a time (usually 40 weeks). We have hope, we have dreams, we remember the excitement. We always will. When the 40 weeks doesn't come, because of a loss, where does that put us. So many people will tell us, hey you can try again. Really though, that is not what we want to hear. Nothing really gives solace to loss, the hope for trying again brings fear of another loss.

I have hope that the next time we try it will be successful, but I really wonder if we will be blessed again. We are very blessed with the 6 children we have. I do know this. I just wish that number 7 was still on the way. This just doesn't seem fair.

Lyrics to a new song, Perfect Song.

Enjoy this...I love it...it peacefully expresses our love. For those of you who may not know...Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter Maria...shortly after we lost Amberlee...in a car accident. His words are so close to our own, his feelings are similar the same. <3>“Heaven Is The Face” by Steven Curtis Chapman:

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for God,
You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
So right now Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God,
You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space

All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there’s no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there’s no more enemy (no more)

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl.

http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/ It is part of a new album he is releasing "BEAUTY WILL RISE", that he wrote after losing his daughter Maria.