Tears

I hope that by now most people know that I don't usually dwell in sadness. If you are reading please understand I just want to be honest. I want to show what I am really feeling, so if anyone reads this blog...they can know, that if they've felt that same way...so did another person suffering the same fate. I may have said that before, and I hope that it stays clear.

On Wednesday I saw an Ambulance driving down the road, lights and sirens. I pulled over to the side of the street to wait, as all the other cars rushed by me wondering what I was doing. I guess they didn't take driver's ed, but I am pretty sure it's a law. Anyway, just seeing the ambulance invoked panic, and fear...instantly I had a flashback. Not the normal one I have of asking Kyle where Amberlee is. But this flashback was the 911 call, and the police, and the paramedics with the blank faces. I came back from the flashback realizing I should drive. To be honest though...it was difficult. It scared me, how it just took over completely, and sucked my mind away. Its been a long time since that has happened, and I hope it will be a long time until it happens again, if ever.

Today I read about a run in utah for a family that lost a daughter, and the supression of the month was released as I realized this week is the week. This week will mark 2 years since Amberlee was left in the car, accidentally. This week will mark 2 years since she died.

It always amazes me how harsh that sentence sounds, but it is the essence of realism. Why do we pad such terms, or try to make them look more acceptable by saying things like "passed on"? I am a realist, and death is real. Those words that have to do with death might stab, but maybe they are supposed to. Maybe the harshness of the word is only meant to create the harshness of feelings that exist when a person dies. Its not easy, it never was. Maybe invoking these feelings is a good thing, and the term is truly meant to convey what it is.

Digressing, today instead of anger I feel loss and sadness. I am left exploring to find poems to comfort my bleeding soul. I want to punch something, but not to hurt it. I want to punch out the pain that I feel. I want to hit hard and precise, so that this pain might be somewhat alleviated, and grace and peace will once more encompass me. My mourning is so solitary and so selfish. I feel bad when I can't be there to do the things I should for others, but I need this time to myself. I feel bad that I won't let people in, but I desperately want them to find a way to break through.

DEATH Sucks! Mourning suck!

I hope that above all, people understand that we don't choose the course that we take in grief...I feel that the grief over the loss of a child is more like a small leaf in a stream. You go where there current takes you. Sometimes its rocky...other times its smooth, sometimes you hit a rock or embankment, and sometimes you feel like you are pulled underwater and drowning...only fighting to survive. I wish I could choose, and in ways I have "moved on" as people say. But there are times that this grief hits hard, and if I don't succumb to the pain, it eats at me until I have no choice but to collapse. We do choose to live life to the fullest, and to be happy. Overall I am choosing that...but for this month...for this pain...I choose to feel what I must.

Please understand.
((hugs))

Beth

If No One Will Listen

I have heard this song many times before, but never noticed the power of the words until today. This is EXACTLY how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I understand why those who have not walked this path, don't understand. But knowing it doesn't make it ok. Sometimes it feels as though I am drowning in this pain, that so often I don't allow myself to feel. Its inconvenient to have to feel. I don' know if that makes sense but in my mind it does, or at least that is what I tell myself.

So here is the song. Apparently it is based on a poem by Emily Dickinson. If you can find me the poem...I will be forever grateful. Here are the beautiful lyrics. The song is on Kelly Clarkson's New Album, All I Ever Wanted...the very last song. =)

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears.

And so you fight to keep from pouring out.

But what if you unlock the gate

that keeps your secret soul

Do you think there's enough that you might drown?

Chorus

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one's left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are

I will be here still.

No one can tell you where you alone must go.

There's no telling what you will find there.

And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones.

Screaming every step "JUST STAY HERE"

Chorus

If No one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one's left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are

I will be here still.

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down

If your legs have given out under the weight.

If you find you've been settling for a world of gray.

So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate.

Chorus

If No one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one is left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are.

I will be here still.

On the CD, Kelly lists this Poem shortly after the song...

Life is but life, and DEATH but DEATH

Bliss is, But Bliss

and BREATH but BREATH!

But defeat, No Drearier, can prevail! -Emily Dickinson

So maybe not so obvious...but the bombs exploding would be June 28th through July 7th of 2007, if you catch my drift. "If no one will listen if you decide to speak", not everyone is like this, but many shy away the minute I bring it up, they don't want to hear it. Maybe the pain is too much, maybe they don't want to. I hope you can understand the rest. Music is therapy, and this truly takes the cake for me right now. I added it to the playlist...I hope you enjoy.

Thanks.

Beth

Bandaids & Neosporin

I started reading this book a couple of weeks ago on my way back from Sacramento. I really enjoyed it. Some of the religiosity is confusing, and arguable, but the storyline is awesome. There is some depth to this book for someone suffering this un-imaginable grief. The book is about a young girl that is brutally murdered. Her father, in a path to escape The Great Sadness goes back to "the shack" where some of her remains were found, and in that trip he finds God in a very real way. If you ever get a chance, please read it.

Having said that. I have to mention that every once in awhile...when I feel like I can't do it anymore...its like I somehow get this little first aid kid to help me through. I am not speaking literally, but figuratively. I am really angry lately, and really frustrated with my grief which seems even stronger than before. Despite this grief, I have had little "bandaids" and "neosporin" left on my path.

Music is my greatest therapy. I cling to it, I find songs that will bless my life, and heal the wounded portions. I've been seeking out songs lately to listen to to help me, but for awhile I hadn't heard anything that really helped, until yesterday. Yesterday, twice when I got in the car the song "Always" by Building 429 played. Today was even more eventful, but has a bigger meaning.

I was in the car with almost all of the children that were at my house when we found Amberlee in the car, June 28th of 2007. On the way to QT, the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me played. I felt very blessed. This song had also played the previous day on the radio all the way through. I sang it out loud while driving alone in the car, tears streaming down my face. The song really became a prayer for me at that moment. One of the final phrases says "Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow." The phrase is repeated, and as I sang it I realized how much I meant this prayer as I was singing the song.

Today when it played again, the same reaction came to me. I sang the song, along with the girls in my car who also know it, and know why it is special. Well they of course noticed I was crying. I looked back and noticed the same of some of them. Right after this song played...it was like God was playing a soundtrack just for us...because the song..."Always" was then played on KLOVE. At this point there was no hope. Just a bunch of girls in a car, at QT, crying, and thinking about the pain and the loss that we are suffering. Aften, the oldest, told me she was thinking about Amberlee and that it was June. My heart just broke as she tried to smile but I knew she couldn't keep it in much longer. Then she also burst into tears.

These moments are teaching moments. Although I am angry, and feel this emotion...I don't want my children to hate life because of what we've been through. I took the moment to share with them why I like the songs in detail. I explained to them that no matter how bad we feel, the promise of what Christ suffered for us...makes it ok. He knows the pain we are going through, and all we have to do is ask for help. He understands what and why we feel the way we do, and really that should be enough. But he also understands when it is not, and when these time are challenging for even the most spiritual people.

Honestly, I don't feel much like asking for help lately. But I guess the song was a start. Because someone has not only been leaving bandaids (songs) to help me heal from this anger, but also they are leaving neosporin (the shack) to heal the wound. There is a path here I am sure of it...but I just don't know how far or how much more difficult it will be. I realize that I need faith, and prayers to help me through, but I can't always be the one that offers those things. Feel free to help in any way you know how. =)

Thanks again for listening.

ANGRY!

I have to say...this is harder than last year. I am so down, and so sad. I am very angry with God. Yeah I said it. I've never really been in this spot for any other reason, but right now I am. I really have to be honest here, I think it is important.

This road is a very unfair, unrelenting road. It seems like my friends and family ignore the signs, and the sayings. They want us to "move on". I really wish people would understand that that just doesn't happen. This wasn't the family pet, she was my daughter. I look for her every day. My instinct is to have here her, and somehow my brain hasn't gotten the message she is gone. Sure it sounds great, move on feel better! It is idealistic though. I am more of a realist. I am trying to be true to what I feel. Normally I can get by, pretty upbeat, I am accepting of my plight however dreary it might be at times. Right now I am angry though. Right now I need to have a pity party. Right now I want to scream at people, punch things, and have reckless behavior. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!

I think God understands. I think that he knows why I am struggling, and I am pretty sure he accepts me no matter what. I just don't know how I will get through another 50 years of this though, let alone June. It is only the beginning of the month.

My instinct is to withdraw. I withdraw from friends, I withdraw from life. I don't want to get on Facebook...I don't want to e-mail...I probably won't answer the phone if you call. The crazy part is, I know this is the opposite of what I should do. I just don't want to be bothered by other petty things. Everything else seems so insignificant, my baby died. I don't really care if your sister pissed you off. I don't really care if your kid is driving you crazy. At least you have your kid! At least your kid can drive you crazy. If you baby dies, I will be here for you, I will let you cry...I need to have this time.

If any of my friends and family are listening right now. I am withdrawing, I just have to. If you can push your way in somehow, and try to make me smile sometime this month, that would be great. I can tell you now it will be a challenge. You are going to want to give up, and probably will curse my name. I just don't want all of you to hurt as deeply as I do. I don't want you to see how hard this is for me, and I don't want you to have to feel any of this pain.

So here we go, starting June with anger. I hate that emotion. But it is truly what is happening. Hopefully it will develop into something more beautiful in the end, but right now it is what it is. I hope you can understand. I know you know I am typically much better at dealing with losing Amberlee. I just need to feel this way now.

Thanks for listening.

PS

2 things I just don't want to hear right now.

"You have 5 other beautiful daughters, they need you, they should make you happy."
"You will see her again, it is an eternal family."

Unfortunately those things mean nothing to my heart. I know they are true, but they don't help me to feel better.

Thanks for caring.

99 Days...

Amberlee lived for 99 days. That statement used to make me feel horrible. Because she couldn't even make it to 100, and because of the guilt over why she didn't make it. Last year those 99 days (one year later) were very difficult. I would often think about how she was alive last year at this point? Was I ignoring her to pay a bill, was I thinking more about myself then her? Did I show her I loved her?

This year is different. Very different. As I cruise through these 99 days I feel a peace encompassing me. The comfort is assuring me that every year this may just get easier. As I look back this year I get the feeling to inhale it in. To remember her smell, and the way her soft little head felt on my shoulder. I am still in awe over how familiar her smell is to me, even though she is gone. This year, those 99 days are a beautiful trip back to my daughter, and the wonderful days I spent with her before she left, no matter how much of a stranger I feel she is becoming; for these 99 days I can remember.

I wonder what this means for the dreaded June 28th & June 29th. Will those days be more difficult? Her Birthday was a challenge this year, will it be the same?

So many questions are left unanswered, and there is too much time to pass before I will see my daughter again. The time seems very long. I know I have a job to do here. I know that there are many things for me to accomplish, and many lives for me to bless by my experience and faith with loss.

This week I have received many compliments about the person I have become through this tragedy. These compliments help so much to bless me and make me feel like I should keep going.

Quite often I wonder, why me? My father died when I was 2 years old! My baby died! Some people go through life without any challenges, but I get 2 of the worst challenges in this life, and I am still young. What sort of challenges do I have yet to face? So why me!!!!! There are times that I think that I would trade the person I am becoming to not have to suffer. If I look at this road honestly though, I wouldn't. I am able to help countless people, and to share my heart with those people. There are many mothers that have lost their children, just like I did, that need a voice. Some simply cannot express their grief, and some just need a hug. Some are just starting on their path, and need a hand to hold along the way.

I pray that God will put more of these beautiful women on my path. I pray that he will inspire me to help them in a way that they need me to help them. I pray that for these next 99 days, I can hear their voices.

If you know of anyone that has lost a baby. Or if you are one yourself, just reading the blog to make some sense of your own tragedy. Please share your story here. Under the words of encouragemnt, please tell me about your baby or your beautiful child. Tell me how you lost your child, but also how your child lived with you. Explain what you remember, and what you miss.

I give you hugs if you are suffering. I wish we didn't belong to this group, but think of the glory we will share in the end.

Thanks again for listening.
Beth

Grateful

I was thinking today about all of the trials we have been through since Amberlee left us. Honestly, our life seems to be operating like we are running backwards down the hill that we have worked for 10 years to climb. Last week I lost it. You know those days when you feel like you are in the 11th hour, and you cannot handle anymore. Well that was me last week. I called a friend, and I am certain she could only understand 1/2 of what I was saying through my sobs and mumbling. Then I prayed really hard, and I mentioned that we are not supposed to be given more than we can handle. Honestly, with everything, I am on the brink of being given more than I can handle. Well my prayers were answered, and the stress of the challenges seem to be lessening. I have also been blessed to realize something amazing.

Every single trial we are faced with in life brings us blessings. They all give us both minor, and major gifts that are meant to make us grow while we are here. In the society we live in it is easy to dwell on the negative. What we've lost, what we don't have, whatever we can find to complain about. I am certainly not an optimist, and I am certainly not the best at not complaining, but...I am trying to realize these blessings and they are there. They are everywhere. I have to be grateful for those things that I do have, and that is the best way for me to make it through. That is the best way I can inspire others to make it through, with my actions. There is a plan that we don't quite understand...but one day we will look back and realize why...and I am certain we will be impressed at the road it took to complete that plan.

I know we have heard the phrase "Count your blessings!" a million times. The depth of the cliche is often shadowed by the fact that it is a cliche and therefore overused and underappreciated. If we truly try to look at the good that comes from each trial...I think that we will honestly see more good than bad. The gifts for succeeding in this life are even bigger...we just need to hold on to the good things not the bad, and we need to do our best to show this to everyone around us. We need to count our blessings, but to live in a way that eminates that we have absorbed this concept.

Amberlee's Birthday was difficult this year. I really miss her. There are songs that come on the radio, and I cry almost instantly. One in particular "It won't be like this for long" by Darius Rucker, hits me really hard. The song is about new parents dealing with the struggles of their newborn daughter. I cry because it feels like Amberlee will be a newborn forever. I look at her picture and Riesse seems older than her. I don't understand how all of this will work out. But then the song says "one day soon that girl is gonna be...all grown up and gone". I truly hope that one day I will get this chance. I pray that I will get to raise her and see her grow up. Obviously, none of knows exactly what happens when this life is through, but I hope that what I feel in my heart is real, will in fact be real. I hope that it won't be like this for long. In church I've learned that time is an earthly construct, I am looking forward to looking back and thinking, wow, that was hard...but really, the challenges didn't last that long. Also, I am looking forward to know without a doubt that the blessings outweighed the challenges.

Thx again for listening.

Amberlee's 2nd Birthday

I will write more later, because I have no energy for it now. But today is Amberlee's 2nd Birthday. As I sit here I am imagining all of the things a 2 year old would be doing. I can imagine cute little ponytails sticking straight out. She would be walking, she would probably be running. I am sure she would tell me, "I love you, mommy!". She would be sleeping in a big girl bed, and playing with her sisters as often as she could. I don't know what kind of a child she would have been, because she left too soon for us to know. We miss her, and the loss seems so much stronger today for some reason. I wish I had a textbook to tell me what to expect over the next few years, but instead I learn from day to day. I need the strength of my friends and family, to help me through. That is one thing I have always been certain of.

Please take the time and post your thoughts, comments, love, well wishes, hugs, and memories here. They are much appreciated.

*note: to make a comment click on Words of Encouragement at the bottom of this post...and it will guide you in sharing with us.

Disneyland Part. 2

The last time I visited Disneyland was June 2007. Do the math, or simply use your memory. That was the same month that Amberlee passed away. It was a wonderful trip, but there is a certain pain that exists from remembering. I am sure that we took pictures of this trip, but we were robbed just after Amberlee died, and we have no pictures to prove we were ever there because our camera was stolen.

It is kind of neat to be able to say, that Amberlee was gone too soon, but she did get to visit Disneyland while she was here. =) I am glad we had that trip. I am bringing it up because of this.

While I was there this weekend, I had to visit the nursing room because I am a nursing mother. I did not have Riesse with me but I needed to pump for her (TMI I know). I sat down in the room, and began working and then I began sobbing. All of a sudden it hit me that the last time I was there I was there nursing Amberlee. I sobbed and sobbed, and I am sure the other mother's were wondering if I was crazy. I guess I am a bit crazy. It was special to know I sat 2 chairs away holding my sweet baby during the short time I had her, but it was sad to know I could not hold her now.

I don't run into many reminders, and usually I like to relish in them and cherish the good times. The emotions I am experience are probably a result of knowing that this weekend is her birthday. Maybe they are just regular human emotions that we try to stiffle. Whatever the reason, it is difficult. I am looking forward to her birthday celebration, but I miss her.

Often I wonder what others' think. I have received comments that I should move on. Recently someone told me to forget that my daughter died (I have never hated someone so much!). I don't feel that I dwell on her, but there is a certain time of year (March thru July) where I miss her a lot, and I feel that pain is wrapping around me. Should I really move on? Is that possible. In my heart I don't believe so, for either question. But in my mind I wonder how much of this is ok. Everyone says that their greatest fear is losing a child, and I am living it. When asked, most people believe they would simply die, and obviously I did not, so I have to live with this.

Is the path really one that I must create on my own? I truly wish that there were more people that would voice their opinion on the road I am travelling. By saying this I mean, encourage me to live with this in the most positive way. I wish people would both support my pain and encourage my strength. Why does this have to be a black or white thing? If people cannot understand, then why don't they try to learn to help and support the new life that I am living.

If you were to ask any mother that lost a child, they would tell you, "I will never be over it." I have a hole in my heart that is always there, and certain songs and memories make me feel that hurt. However, I am making something of this pain, by trying to help those that suffer it along with me. Please accept that I will never be over this. Please hug me when I cry, and ask to cry with me if you see that I need to. If you feel so inclined, please ask me to take you to visit Amberlee's resting place, and help to make light of it. Especially, share memories of her if you have them. Mostly, for those of us who have lost the most precious thing we hold, we simply want to see that we are loved, even though we will never again be the same.

Thanks again for listening.
Beth

Disneyland Part. 1

One of the biggest struggles that I've faced with the loss of my daughter, is learning to trust again. This trust does not only apply to my husband, but anyone that ever watches Riesse. I struggle to believe that anyone can care for my children as well as I can.

Some friends of mine and I decided about a year ago to go to Disneyland together in March. Well one thing led to another, and I couldn't afford to go. About 3 weeks ago I got a phone call from a friend that told me she was paying for me to go. She said that I needed to learn to leave my baby and trust my husband, and that she wanted me to seriously consider going.

It took me until 2 days before the trip to ultimately decide to go. At that point I was excited, and hopeful that the adventure would be exciting, and I would not feel the fear I so often feel leaving my child without me.

While I was gone, my husband did WAY more than I could ever expect. He took amazing care of my children. They constantly did things, and had fun together despite the fact that I was gone. This has been such a blessing, because now I feel like I can reach out and depend on him and others a little more.

I have to thank my friends for harrassing me and forcing me to go, because I had an amazing time. I hope that we will be able to do it again.

The trip was significant for another reason...but I will get into that in Disneyland Part. 2

A Most Impossible Rainbow...

Yesterday I did my 1st ever 1/2 marathon. If you read this blog all the way through...you know the story about the rainbows that we see and attribute to Amberlee being near.

The night before the marathon...I added some songs that remind me of Amberlee, and I thought to myself how much I wanted her to be with me for my marathon...and how much I wanted her to see my success.

When we started the marathon we were just strolling along and I looked toward the sky. There was no rain, and only a light mist of clouds that were very far and very high up. I looked several times, kind of in shock...and then asked my friends "Do you see a Rainbow over there?" They looked and said, Yes. Well, like I said, there was absolutely nothing to cause a rainbow...but there definitely was a rainbow.

Sometimes I find these signs hard to believe. Really, I am more of a realist in life and I don't like to make something out of nothing. This one is hard to argue though. How can a most impossible rainbow happen, in circumstances that are scientifically proven not to cause rainbows? Maybe there is another way to create one...but I am pretty sure you have to have the light source behind you (the sun was in front of me), and you also have to have water on the opposite side of you, opposite from the light source (ummm...yeah...no water).

I am officially declaring this rainbow as a gift/blessing from Amberlee, or someone else that can create them. Someone who knew just how much I needed to see a Rainbow on such a significant day in my life. This truly was a GIFT in every way.

As always...thanks for listening.
Beth