This Week

This week is proving to be more difficult than I remember last year being.

On Saturday, I got the blessing of seeing a video of my father for the first time ever. He died when I was 2 years old, and I have never seen him alive that I can remember. This 13 seconds was such a blessing...I wish I could describe it better.

Well that reminded me of something things.

I am now 17 weeks pregnant and on Wednesday I have an Ultrasound and Dr. Appointment. We'll get to see what we are having. That is exciting, except, when the receptionist gave me the date of the appointment I stopped dead in my tracks. She was like...are you ok...do you need a different day.

Well...Amberlee was due on March 18th...the day my father died 30 years ago. That was hard to swallow...had I only known this would be compounded by her death, I had no clue what the magnamity of the week approaching me would be like. So I find out what I am having on the 17th, and then on the 18th it will be 30 years since my father passed away. After that, on the 22nd...its Amberlee's Birthday.

Normally I celebrate her birthday and just have fun with it, and its fine. But for some reason I feel emotionally drained. I am usually pretty strong, and helpful, but for now...I am not. I am not sure we choose these things. Maybe this is worsened by the fact that my friends are not nearby. But I am not sure that that is the reason. I think this is just a lot for a person to deal with in one week.

Sure the one is exciting...but it somehow haunts me. I thought it would be so wonderful that Amberlee would be born at the same time as my Dad died. I figured it would help that day feel less daunting. But obviously, when she died, it compounded that sadness for that week.

I guess its just going to be a difficult road for this week. She would be 3 this year. Just like the song says "He would've been 3 today. I miss his smile...I miss his face." I am obviously going there. The time grows more and more distant. I used to think this would be comforting, but the more time that passes, the more distant she seems.

OK...so I am obviously pessimistic right now. I need prayers.

Love Beth

Christmas this year.

I've been meaning to write something for the past few days. I guess the indication of me not writing, shows the mental stature that we've reached here. A lot has happened though, and I believe it all contributes to the warmth we are feeling this year.

In November we moved from Arizona to Utah. The main reason, was Amberlee. We lived in the same house, on the same street. I loved that house before she was injured and died, but afterward, I hated it. No real reason, I just felt this hatred. We searched for a awhile, and we were finally blessed to be able to move to Utah, and let me tell you...its simply perfect here.

I no longer feel the pain I felt daily in AZ. The pain must have been so constant and familiar I barely recognized it. Since we moved I am a better mother, wife, and friend. I am able to do so much more because I am not weighed down by my grief. I do miss being near her resting place, but I am happy to move forward (Not On).

This Christmas is much better than the past. We are able to enjoy it a bit. The holidays actually seem cheery. I have had days. Days where I am dragged down by the pain of missing my sweet baby, but those days are so much fewer than before. Still, I cannot predict when grief will approach and so when it does, it sucks me away for a time. However, I can recall 2 days this entire holiday season. I would say we are doing pretty well. It is still very surreal celebrating Christmas and Family without someone in our family. I am realizing that nearly everyone does this though. Nearly everyone has lost someone close to them that they love. Maybe this loss is the reason the holiday season feels so much more special. We get to celebrate those who are here, and remember those that are not. Many of the Christmas song talk about those that are near and far...and I am sure that this applies to everyone we might consider far away. They apply to anyone we do not have quick access to.

We are visiting our old home for the holidays, and I am interested to see how different it might feel. I am still grateful that by leaving it, we have found healing. We are moving forward in life, and where we go from here is hopefully up. We will never forget our baby, as we count for her every day. We often look at pictures and remember her...but the memories grow distant even still. I wonder if this isn't a blessing, creating the space we need to survive the time that will pass...

Until We Meet Again.

another loss

Sometimes I think, anyone who loses a child should never have to suffer anything like that again. Why really should they have to suffer anything more? But then I realize, we all will experience loss. We all will have something that influences our lives significantly.

I've been putting it off for a little bit now, because I don't really have time for it; but we found out last week that the baby I was carrying had died. It seems so unreal. Why would anyone have to suffer loss 2x? Really, why? We are moving so I am trying really hard to get to Utah and deal with it there, after all its only 5 days away. I am not sure I can wait anymore. This sucks.

To anyone that has had a miscarriage. I am so sorry. We invest our bodies for a time (usually 40 weeks). We have hope, we have dreams, we remember the excitement. We always will. When the 40 weeks doesn't come, because of a loss, where does that put us. So many people will tell us, hey you can try again. Really though, that is not what we want to hear. Nothing really gives solace to loss, the hope for trying again brings fear of another loss.

I have hope that the next time we try it will be successful, but I really wonder if we will be blessed again. We are very blessed with the 6 children we have. I do know this. I just wish that number 7 was still on the way. This just doesn't seem fair.

Lyrics to a new song, Perfect Song.

Enjoy this...I love it...it peacefully expresses our love. For those of you who may not know...Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter Maria...shortly after we lost Amberlee...in a car accident. His words are so close to our own, his feelings are similar the same. <3>“Heaven Is The Face” by Steven Curtis Chapman:

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for God,
You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
So right now Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God,
You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space

All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there’s no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there’s no more enemy (no more)

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl.

http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/ It is part of a new album he is releasing "BEAUTY WILL RISE", that he wrote after losing his daughter Maria.

A Much Needed Update

I haven't posted on the blog in a long time, and I am sorry for that. Today happens to be the 6 year anniversary of a friend's baby's passing (Alexis Romero), and I have been contemplating Amberlee today. Obviously I miss her every day, and I especially think about what she would be doing. Today is different though.

As I was thinking about her, it dawned on me that since her anniversaries are passed, I am feeling much better. Of course there are days that I feel dragged down, but who doesn't have those days. Sometimes I'll be driving down the road, and a certain song will play on the radio. I'll cry for what could have been, I'll cry just because I miss her; and sometimes I cry because it feels like a piece of my heart has a hole in it. Literally, it always feels that way. Like a space that should be filled, but won't. It is a very unnatural feeling to have lost your child. As I see the others grow it seems wrong that she is not growing with them.

I am happy though. In many ways we are moving forward. I am excited this year to feel like I can volunteer at the school again. I am excited to be involved in the girls' school life again. This is definitely an improvement on last year. There are so many activities that we once did, and haven't done in some time, but we are once again able to take part in them.

One thing that we just can't get past is the heat. This stupid Arizona heat. It tortures us all summer long, and mostly we just want to stay away from it. Kyle and I have nightmares throughout the summer, and whenever someone mentions that they were "cooking" in their car we cringe. It's horrible to hear people say that so often, but it is life in Arizona, and we must endure.

I've devoted a good portion of time to help some friends or friends of friends through similiar tragedies. It is difficult to see someone start this journey, but I am grateful for all those people the traveled the road before me, and offer me advice. There are many parents out there that have lost children, and they all need love and support over time. Time does not make the heart forget unfortunately, it dulls the pain only slightly, and mostly that is just because of experience with the emotions that come. If you know someone that has lost a child, please call them, and tell them you are thinking about their child. Please tell them you are thinking about their baby, and you are there for them if they need you. Alexis' parents made me realize today that even though its been 6 years for them, it still hurts. Never think someone has moved on simply because time has passed. Please offer them love regardless of what you think, might be occurring in their lives at this point.

As always, thanks for listening. Have a wonderful day, and appreciate the blessings that come to you every single day. <3

Jealousy

I thought that this was strange and I wanted to share. Of course I had to call at least a dozen people after this happened, to make sure I wasn't evil or crazy. Now that I know for sure, I can share this story with you.

A few weeks ago, a friend came to pick me up. She mentioned that another friend of mine, well her baby had drown that morning. Apparently the baby was going to be o.k., but she was in the hospital. Of course, that is where we went immediately.

I sat in the hospital room with my friend, and we talked about what happened. I could see her experiencing all the emotions I felt the day after Amberlee got hurt. It is quite frightening to witness a parent suffer such emotions. Regardless of the fact that her baby was going to be ok...she still felt the trauma of the accident.

The next morning, and even most of that evening I was very upset. I cried so much, and I was so mad and frustrated. Don't get me wrong here...I was happy for my friend...and I was really happy that her baby was ok, and there would be no lasting consequences to her near drowning. However, a horrible emotion stirred deep within me. I couldn't understand why, I couldn't understand how. How does God choose which children he will save, and which he will not? Why did someone notice her baby in time to save her? Why does my friend get to keep her baby, but I had to loose mine. She gets to hug and kiss her baby every day, and see her run and play, but mine is gone for now. Mine is only a memory, for now.

This jealousy ate at me for several days, and every time I look at her, while I am grateful that she does not have to go down this road (I would never wish that on anyone), I am extremely jealous that she is one of the lucky ones. I felt so wrong for having this emotion...I am ashamed to tell my friend, and ashamed that I feel this way. It's the truth though. This is truly the way that I feel, and I've learned to be honest with the way I feel having lost Amberlee.

I hope that this is understandable, most of my close friends that I asked said they were thinking it before I said it. They just didn't want to mention it if I didn't.

Until another time.
Beth

Tears

I hope that by now most people know that I don't usually dwell in sadness. If you are reading please understand I just want to be honest. I want to show what I am really feeling, so if anyone reads this blog...they can know, that if they've felt that same way...so did another person suffering the same fate. I may have said that before, and I hope that it stays clear.

On Wednesday I saw an Ambulance driving down the road, lights and sirens. I pulled over to the side of the street to wait, as all the other cars rushed by me wondering what I was doing. I guess they didn't take driver's ed, but I am pretty sure it's a law. Anyway, just seeing the ambulance invoked panic, and fear...instantly I had a flashback. Not the normal one I have of asking Kyle where Amberlee is. But this flashback was the 911 call, and the police, and the paramedics with the blank faces. I came back from the flashback realizing I should drive. To be honest though...it was difficult. It scared me, how it just took over completely, and sucked my mind away. Its been a long time since that has happened, and I hope it will be a long time until it happens again, if ever.

Today I read about a run in utah for a family that lost a daughter, and the supression of the month was released as I realized this week is the week. This week will mark 2 years since Amberlee was left in the car, accidentally. This week will mark 2 years since she died.

It always amazes me how harsh that sentence sounds, but it is the essence of realism. Why do we pad such terms, or try to make them look more acceptable by saying things like "passed on"? I am a realist, and death is real. Those words that have to do with death might stab, but maybe they are supposed to. Maybe the harshness of the word is only meant to create the harshness of feelings that exist when a person dies. Its not easy, it never was. Maybe invoking these feelings is a good thing, and the term is truly meant to convey what it is.

Digressing, today instead of anger I feel loss and sadness. I am left exploring to find poems to comfort my bleeding soul. I want to punch something, but not to hurt it. I want to punch out the pain that I feel. I want to hit hard and precise, so that this pain might be somewhat alleviated, and grace and peace will once more encompass me. My mourning is so solitary and so selfish. I feel bad when I can't be there to do the things I should for others, but I need this time to myself. I feel bad that I won't let people in, but I desperately want them to find a way to break through.

DEATH Sucks! Mourning suck!

I hope that above all, people understand that we don't choose the course that we take in grief...I feel that the grief over the loss of a child is more like a small leaf in a stream. You go where there current takes you. Sometimes its rocky...other times its smooth, sometimes you hit a rock or embankment, and sometimes you feel like you are pulled underwater and drowning...only fighting to survive. I wish I could choose, and in ways I have "moved on" as people say. But there are times that this grief hits hard, and if I don't succumb to the pain, it eats at me until I have no choice but to collapse. We do choose to live life to the fullest, and to be happy. Overall I am choosing that...but for this month...for this pain...I choose to feel what I must.

Please understand.
((hugs))

Beth

If No One Will Listen

I have heard this song many times before, but never noticed the power of the words until today. This is EXACTLY how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I understand why those who have not walked this path, don't understand. But knowing it doesn't make it ok. Sometimes it feels as though I am drowning in this pain, that so often I don't allow myself to feel. Its inconvenient to have to feel. I don' know if that makes sense but in my mind it does, or at least that is what I tell myself.

So here is the song. Apparently it is based on a poem by Emily Dickinson. If you can find me the poem...I will be forever grateful. Here are the beautiful lyrics. The song is on Kelly Clarkson's New Album, All I Ever Wanted...the very last song. =)

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears.

And so you fight to keep from pouring out.

But what if you unlock the gate

that keeps your secret soul

Do you think there's enough that you might drown?

Chorus

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one's left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are

I will be here still.

No one can tell you where you alone must go.

There's no telling what you will find there.

And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones.

Screaming every step "JUST STAY HERE"

Chorus

If No one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one's left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are

I will be here still.

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down

If your legs have given out under the weight.

If you find you've been settling for a world of gray.

So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate.

Chorus

If No one will listen, if you decide to speak.

If No one is left standing, after the bombs explode.

If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are.

I will be here still.

On the CD, Kelly lists this Poem shortly after the song...

Life is but life, and DEATH but DEATH

Bliss is, But Bliss

and BREATH but BREATH!

But defeat, No Drearier, can prevail! -Emily Dickinson

So maybe not so obvious...but the bombs exploding would be June 28th through July 7th of 2007, if you catch my drift. "If no one will listen if you decide to speak", not everyone is like this, but many shy away the minute I bring it up, they don't want to hear it. Maybe the pain is too much, maybe they don't want to. I hope you can understand the rest. Music is therapy, and this truly takes the cake for me right now. I added it to the playlist...I hope you enjoy.

Thanks.

Beth

Bandaids & Neosporin

I started reading this book a couple of weeks ago on my way back from Sacramento. I really enjoyed it. Some of the religiosity is confusing, and arguable, but the storyline is awesome. There is some depth to this book for someone suffering this un-imaginable grief. The book is about a young girl that is brutally murdered. Her father, in a path to escape The Great Sadness goes back to "the shack" where some of her remains were found, and in that trip he finds God in a very real way. If you ever get a chance, please read it.

Having said that. I have to mention that every once in awhile...when I feel like I can't do it anymore...its like I somehow get this little first aid kid to help me through. I am not speaking literally, but figuratively. I am really angry lately, and really frustrated with my grief which seems even stronger than before. Despite this grief, I have had little "bandaids" and "neosporin" left on my path.

Music is my greatest therapy. I cling to it, I find songs that will bless my life, and heal the wounded portions. I've been seeking out songs lately to listen to to help me, but for awhile I hadn't heard anything that really helped, until yesterday. Yesterday, twice when I got in the car the song "Always" by Building 429 played. Today was even more eventful, but has a bigger meaning.

I was in the car with almost all of the children that were at my house when we found Amberlee in the car, June 28th of 2007. On the way to QT, the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me played. I felt very blessed. This song had also played the previous day on the radio all the way through. I sang it out loud while driving alone in the car, tears streaming down my face. The song really became a prayer for me at that moment. One of the final phrases says "Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow." The phrase is repeated, and as I sang it I realized how much I meant this prayer as I was singing the song.

Today when it played again, the same reaction came to me. I sang the song, along with the girls in my car who also know it, and know why it is special. Well they of course noticed I was crying. I looked back and noticed the same of some of them. Right after this song played...it was like God was playing a soundtrack just for us...because the song..."Always" was then played on KLOVE. At this point there was no hope. Just a bunch of girls in a car, at QT, crying, and thinking about the pain and the loss that we are suffering. Aften, the oldest, told me she was thinking about Amberlee and that it was June. My heart just broke as she tried to smile but I knew she couldn't keep it in much longer. Then she also burst into tears.

These moments are teaching moments. Although I am angry, and feel this emotion...I don't want my children to hate life because of what we've been through. I took the moment to share with them why I like the songs in detail. I explained to them that no matter how bad we feel, the promise of what Christ suffered for us...makes it ok. He knows the pain we are going through, and all we have to do is ask for help. He understands what and why we feel the way we do, and really that should be enough. But he also understands when it is not, and when these time are challenging for even the most spiritual people.

Honestly, I don't feel much like asking for help lately. But I guess the song was a start. Because someone has not only been leaving bandaids (songs) to help me heal from this anger, but also they are leaving neosporin (the shack) to heal the wound. There is a path here I am sure of it...but I just don't know how far or how much more difficult it will be. I realize that I need faith, and prayers to help me through, but I can't always be the one that offers those things. Feel free to help in any way you know how. =)

Thanks again for listening.

ANGRY!

I have to say...this is harder than last year. I am so down, and so sad. I am very angry with God. Yeah I said it. I've never really been in this spot for any other reason, but right now I am. I really have to be honest here, I think it is important.

This road is a very unfair, unrelenting road. It seems like my friends and family ignore the signs, and the sayings. They want us to "move on". I really wish people would understand that that just doesn't happen. This wasn't the family pet, she was my daughter. I look for her every day. My instinct is to have here her, and somehow my brain hasn't gotten the message she is gone. Sure it sounds great, move on feel better! It is idealistic though. I am more of a realist. I am trying to be true to what I feel. Normally I can get by, pretty upbeat, I am accepting of my plight however dreary it might be at times. Right now I am angry though. Right now I need to have a pity party. Right now I want to scream at people, punch things, and have reckless behavior. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!

I think God understands. I think that he knows why I am struggling, and I am pretty sure he accepts me no matter what. I just don't know how I will get through another 50 years of this though, let alone June. It is only the beginning of the month.

My instinct is to withdraw. I withdraw from friends, I withdraw from life. I don't want to get on Facebook...I don't want to e-mail...I probably won't answer the phone if you call. The crazy part is, I know this is the opposite of what I should do. I just don't want to be bothered by other petty things. Everything else seems so insignificant, my baby died. I don't really care if your sister pissed you off. I don't really care if your kid is driving you crazy. At least you have your kid! At least your kid can drive you crazy. If you baby dies, I will be here for you, I will let you cry...I need to have this time.

If any of my friends and family are listening right now. I am withdrawing, I just have to. If you can push your way in somehow, and try to make me smile sometime this month, that would be great. I can tell you now it will be a challenge. You are going to want to give up, and probably will curse my name. I just don't want all of you to hurt as deeply as I do. I don't want you to see how hard this is for me, and I don't want you to have to feel any of this pain.

So here we go, starting June with anger. I hate that emotion. But it is truly what is happening. Hopefully it will develop into something more beautiful in the end, but right now it is what it is. I hope you can understand. I know you know I am typically much better at dealing with losing Amberlee. I just need to feel this way now.

Thanks for listening.

PS

2 things I just don't want to hear right now.

"You have 5 other beautiful daughters, they need you, they should make you happy."
"You will see her again, it is an eternal family."

Unfortunately those things mean nothing to my heart. I know they are true, but they don't help me to feel better.

Thanks for caring.