"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Monday, June 1, 2009


I have to say...this is harder than last year. I am so down, and so sad. I am very angry with God. Yeah I said it. I've never really been in this spot for any other reason, but right now I am. I really have to be honest here, I think it is important.

This road is a very unfair, unrelenting road. It seems like my friends and family ignore the signs, and the sayings. They want us to "move on". I really wish people would understand that that just doesn't happen. This wasn't the family pet, she was my daughter. I look for her every day. My instinct is to have here her, and somehow my brain hasn't gotten the message she is gone. Sure it sounds great, move on feel better! It is idealistic though. I am more of a realist. I am trying to be true to what I feel. Normally I can get by, pretty upbeat, I am accepting of my plight however dreary it might be at times. Right now I am angry though. Right now I need to have a pity party. Right now I want to scream at people, punch things, and have reckless behavior. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!

I think God understands. I think that he knows why I am struggling, and I am pretty sure he accepts me no matter what. I just don't know how I will get through another 50 years of this though, let alone June. It is only the beginning of the month.

My instinct is to withdraw. I withdraw from friends, I withdraw from life. I don't want to get on Facebook...I don't want to e-mail...I probably won't answer the phone if you call. The crazy part is, I know this is the opposite of what I should do. I just don't want to be bothered by other petty things. Everything else seems so insignificant, my baby died. I don't really care if your sister pissed you off. I don't really care if your kid is driving you crazy. At least you have your kid! At least your kid can drive you crazy. If you baby dies, I will be here for you, I will let you cry...I need to have this time.

If any of my friends and family are listening right now. I am withdrawing, I just have to. If you can push your way in somehow, and try to make me smile sometime this month, that would be great. I can tell you now it will be a challenge. You are going to want to give up, and probably will curse my name. I just don't want all of you to hurt as deeply as I do. I don't want you to see how hard this is for me, and I don't want you to have to feel any of this pain.

So here we go, starting June with anger. I hate that emotion. But it is truly what is happening. Hopefully it will develop into something more beautiful in the end, but right now it is what it is. I hope you can understand. I know you know I am typically much better at dealing with losing Amberlee. I just need to feel this way now.

Thanks for listening.


2 things I just don't want to hear right now.

"You have 5 other beautiful daughters, they need you, they should make you happy."
"You will see her again, it is an eternal family."

Unfortunately those things mean nothing to my heart. I know they are true, but they don't help me to feel better.

Thanks for caring.

1 comment:

caitsmom said...

((((hugs)))) You have every right to grieve the death of our beautiful daughter. Grieving is what we do because we love. Please, take the time you need. I hope those who know you in real life will find a way to be with you in your grief and honor your daughter WITH you. They cannot fix you; but they can love you. Peace dear mommy.