"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Sunday, August 31, 2008


I did end up going to church. Strangely after I wrote the previous post I went to sleep, and I woke up feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel better.

I believe that we need to be in church. I believe that we learn lessons there that are tailored specifically for us, and I would love to impose upon you exactly what I mean.

Re-read the post I did yesterday. It is filled with angst, depression, sadness, frustration, anger, all negative emotions...I am not saying I am cured...I am simply saying that there was a lesson for me in church. This lesson makes me rethink how I feel.

The 1st person that spoke today had a personal story she wanted to share. She said that she used to be filled with depression several years ago. She said she would cry, and that her friends and family worried about her. She was a single mother, and medication as well as therapy did not help, she was still depressed. One day an image of her Heavenly Father came into her mind. She said that he saw that she was depressed and that this made him sad to see her suffering. She said that she felt bad that God would watch over her and see her suffering much like he saw his son Jesus Christ suffering. She decided that she did not want him to feel that way, so she would make a change in her life, because ultimately she wanted to be happy and she knows that that is what her Heavenly Father wants for her too.

It is not surprising to me that someone would share such a story that has amazing similarity to my life. I find more and more that when I go to church, there is a reason, I am there to learn and be inspired. I am almost always inspired, and so I yearn to be there even when I cannot go. I am grateful for this story, because it changes my viewpoint just a little.

It is OK for me to suffer, and it is okay for me to be sad. The trials we are put here on this earth to endure are meant to teach us a better way as much as they are meant to prove that we can choose right above wrong, and ultimately live in Heaven once more. Obviously I have lost a lot and it takes time to heal the pain and make me somewhat whole again. Although I do not believe that I will ever be fully whole again, I do believe I can feel better...I can feel happier. Like the speaker in church I don't want my Heavenly Father looking down at me suffering which could cause him to suffer as well. I know he loves me...I know he is rooting for me to be happy again. That is my goal.

I feel as though I have wasted so many prayers that were sent out for me. I hope that you all know that I am trying...I don't mean to waste them...but I do rely on their strength. I truly hope that I can make the most out of this situation, and I can become a better person. It is just difficult when the sadness outweighs the happiness. I am sure we have all been here at some point.

I am looking toward more positive days, and I am hoping that you will continue to send prayers my way and my family's way. I am sorry that these posts have gotten so personal...I think they are important and crucial to understanding this sort of loss.

Thanks again for listening.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Deep Thoughts & Brutal Truths

I am not sure where to start, but I can tell you all this will be a long post that probably most people won't read, even though it is the one you should probably pay the most attention to if you care. So here it goes.

I am approaching my 3rd week of sadness, and I have honestly had 1 good day in that week. Until now things were looking up, but I truly feel that I am looking down a road right now, and I cannot see the end. Maybe if I just would cry about it, I could move forward...maybe I just need to do that, cry. I just really want someone to cry with...someone that I know cares deeply about what I am going through, and wants me to be happy but understands my struggle.

I understand that my friends and family want to move on, well they have moved on. Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. I just can't simply forget my struggles. They are here, not when I choose them to be, but when they want to be. I remember at the most inconvenient times, and I struggle when I don't have the time to struggle.

My thoughts lately:
I think that maybe I am so sad lately because Riesse is going through things that I never saw Amberlee go through. I am so blessed to have Riesse, but I am truly sad that I don't have Amberlee too. I did mention my current state on a website for mothers that miss their children that passed away, and many people told me the 2nd year would be one of the hardest. Ayayay, I was not prepared for this. Can you stand by my side for this year and know it is harder for me? Does anybody have the energy to give me more than they have, or are you all spent?

I am pushing my husband away, as he is pushing me away. On the surface it looks ok, but the depth is not there. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already hurts, but he is the only one that understands as well. Do you know how much that sucks! He wants me to talk to him...so I will test the waters and try, but I am afraid to talk to him.

I am trying really hard to figure out what God wants from me with all of this. What kind of a servant am I suppossed to be for him? How do I figure out exactly where he wants me and what he wants me to do with the person I am becoming?

This might sound strange but I just want to go the cemetary with a box of tissues and all my girlfriends (yes all of them) and I want to just break down and cry like I should have a long time ago, with all of them. I want to see them cry too, so I truly know that they are saddened too and they miss Amberlee too.

I am afraid that I will cry all throughout church tomorrow. I hate crying in front of people, but I am struggling so much right now that I feel there will be nothing but sobs the whole time. Does that mean I should still go? (I think I know the answer, but I have that whole problem with making others uncomfortable).

I saw a friends baby's grave the other day, and he has a headstone....We did not buy one for Amberlee. I am wondering if we should have...his was so beautiful. At the time I didn't see the importance, but I am second guessing my decision. I like her locket and her addition to her grandparents headstone, but maybe she needs a headstone just for her??? hmmm

And finally...does this blog even help. Is there a point to it, and am I succeeding in sharing a message that I hope will bless people in the long run...with understanding, empathy, knowledge of what to do with loss.

This is the most jumbled post ever I am sure...but I didn't want to make a book out of my thoughts as much as I just wanted to share them. I imagine a day in the future where my pain might be a distant memory, but my love still remains. Please pray for that day for me and my family. I know it will bless our lives at some point, but we have to put the pieces together before we can make it that far.


Friday, August 29, 2008

Thank you General Motors...now can you make the sensor too?

I know that Jan Null, the professor that works with Hyperthermia deaths, has talked to General Motors...On their website they posted this article along with a couple of video's that would teach people the dangers of leaving a child in a car. However, only 1-5 of the 36 deaths a year (last year 41) are done intentionally. Teaching parents is not the only solution. We need to request sensors for cars from dealerships and manufacturers, basically everyone that sells them. This would not be occuring had they not developed the air bag, so why is it so difficult to create a sensor as well. I realize MONEY is the root of the problem, but how much do they spend a year in redevelopment of the airbag. Fortunately the airbag saves lives, but in the case of children alone in a backseat it can also take lives. I would buy a car with a sensor, or even pay to have one put in my car....how about you?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I found this just now...

When looking up Hyperthermia I noticed that Consumer Reports is attempting to spur legislation to make it safer for our children in the back seat.
If we could simply get sensors that prevent your car from locking if the seatbelt is engaged it would save lives. This never happened before the invention of the airbag...becuase now we put our children in the backseat instead, but interestingly there were no deaths due to airbags last year at all. There has to be some sort of solution...lets try to invoke debate and interest to install these sensors...I know we never think it will happen to us, but the truth is...it Can and it does happen to those who are the best of parents.

Sad News...Updated

I don't check the sight everyday, but I looked it up today and I have bad news. Apparently 33 children have now died as a result of Hyperthermia from being left in a vehicle. Unfortunately this is much higher than last year at this time (26), and I fear the statistics will prove to be worse by the end of the year considering September is one of the deadliest months.

The latest include a set of 3 year old twins that were stuck in a car when they got into it apparently playing. Also a sister (5) and her brother (2) who were found in the car after apparently playing in it. http://ggweather.com/heat/31_2008.htm Always Lock Your Car, even in your own driveway!
In addition, a Pastor and his wife lost their daughter when the father accidentally forgot to take the daughter out of the car. http://ggweather.com/heat/27_2008.htm Always Check Every Car that you Pass!

These people need our prayers...I know how they are suffering and I know how much the media judges these people and makes them feel worthless. Please, please, please, keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Great News!!!

So I looked into it...and we got a scholarship for at least part of the funds for the conference. I am very grateful. Also, they will let Camille go...she will be 7 weeks under the age limit, but she is very mature (as you all know) and intelligent for her age. The powers that be would rather her get the help she may need, and the skills she can use to deal with her feelings, so they are allowing her to go. I am so excited...it might seem strange to you all, but there will be many there that will be able to help me with feelings that not everyone can understand...feelings that maybe I hide from you just a little because I am afraid for you to know how bad it gets every now and then.

We will still be holding the car wash for the remainder of the funds. The girls are excited to be a part of it. Of course we will show pictures after he conference and let you know just how much it helped, but as of now it looks very promising that we will be able to attend.

Thank you!

PS if you know of anyone that might benefit from this conference...any doctors, nurses, or other families that have lost a child, please refer them to the site. I am reading about previous conferences and everyone that has gone says it is a life changing event, that helped them tremendously.

Monday, August 25, 2008

A Good Friend...made a BIG mistake...

OK...so I know I am dwelling...but I can't let it go so I hope you can all learn from this.

I had a friend tell me (several months ago), that I needed to move on. I realize that in some ways this statement is true. I love this friend of mine a lot, and she has never given me bad advice, but I feel that this was the wrong thing to say. I hope that nobody else ever tells me this...I hope that everyone can learn from this. I am trying everyday, making an effort to move forward, but moving on maybe is impossible. I will always have a hole in my heart. I have bad days, most of the time it is just days. AS you might have noticed I spent a lot of time on my Blogs lately. When I am struggling I stay on the computer as a means to avoid the feelings I have in life. Blogging=Life Frustration. This past 8 days or so has been bad. I haven't cried and maybe that is what needs to happen here. I need someone to cry with though, and I haven't picked anyone yet. I need someone I can scream at, that will undesrtand and say all the right things all the while knowing I am not screaming at them.

I am realizing more and more I cannot force myself to change the emotion that I have. I have to go with it. The more I do this, the more I can get where I need to be. I am sorry but my dear friend, I will not MOVE ON. I cannot ignore the pain that exists in my soul. I hope that you can undertand that and love me and listen to me regardless, as I will continue to love you even though you are wrong.


PS I will start a list of names on this blog for everyone that tells me to Move On so that the world may scourn you, you have been forewarned (just kidding of course)

PPS If you would like to apply for the position of shoulder to cry on...leave you comment as an application here.

I hope I am showing I do have a sense of humor still, at least at the end.
Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "forget" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Bereavement Conference...Just What I Need

I was researching a bit on some websites that I love that deal with infant loss. I ran into a conference schedule for a conference for bereaved parents.


I was shocked to realize that the conference is sponsored by ASU and in Phoenix! I am so excited. There are only a couple of problems...the 2 youngest children can't go (solved: thanks Kelli & Wendi), and it is pricey (about $400) for 3 girls, Kyle & Myself. So, I will be holding a Car Wash in front of my house sometime in the next month. Feel free to stop by and get a scrub, heck I will even do bicycles. I am going to this conference no matter what, I have not yet gotten any professional help nor have the girls, and I feel this is exactly what we need. Have I mentioned I am excited to go yet, if not let me say it again...oh wait I just did.

I found this video that discusses the foundation if you are interested click the picture to play the video...You can pause the blog music at the bottom of the page in order to hear the video.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Consider the Lillies

This song was sung at Amberlee's funeral, and it is simply beautiful. A few weeks afterward, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir performed it as well. This is significant because the 2 family members that sang it at the funeral, also performed it with the choir. I thought I would include a video of this performance, and the inspiring song because I just found it on YouTube a couple of days ago. Enjoy.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


So...sometimes random things affect me...and today was no exception. Riesse got 4 shots yesterday, and she is running a fever, a rather high fever. I was up most of the night with her, and I have no problem being with her and taking care of her. I love giving extra attention to a sick child, I want them to feel especially loved when they are ill. However, as I was driving today it hit me. I just started crying, and I realized that I am pushing her away whenever her fever gets high. I just can't be near her until the Tylenol takes down the fever, and this is unlike me. Hmmm...

As I was driving it all clicked...My children are usually not sick and they have not had high fevers for quite sometime. This may even be the first time that one of them has had a high fever, since Amberlee's death. The last time I held a child that felt hot, was when I held Amberlee for the paramedics. Whenever I have a stimulus like this, that makes me remember, it makes me remember everything. Sometimes I remember little details that I try hard not to remember. Unfortunatly, this time made me remember a lot. I am going to try not to push Riesse away now that I realize why, but I cannot believe how aversive I am to her because of her fever. I really hate some of these emotions, and I realize they are all part of healing, I just want it to be normal again. I know it never will, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

...And yet another Stage...

So today I went to pick up the remainder of Amberlee's things from the Police Station.

As I was standing in the evidence pick-up area, I struggled. I was shaking, and rather dizzy...and I kept looking through the window while the people working seemed to wait for an unnecessary amount of time to bring the (evidence) stuff out to me.

Suddenly Amberlee's things were there. I am glad it was all in bags, because I probably would have collapsed if I had actually seen the items right away. I signed the paper, loaded up the car, and headed out still extremely dizzy, hoping breathing deeper would help me to drive more carefully. It helped that Riesse all of a sudden wanted to talk in cute little infant speak, and she lightened the mood a bit.

When I got home I slowly pulled each item out one by one. I didn't notice that the 2 most difficult pieces would be last, but I was happy that it turned out that way. Then they were out of the bag, quite literally. First was her outfit. I forgot what it looked like. It is quite adorable, pink with little white polka dots and a tiny bit of lace on the sleeves, it is comforting to have it back. Second was her carseat. I loved the carseat, with 6 children we have been through a lot, and this was always my favorite. It doesn't seem to make the babies sweat the way others do, and the handle is more comfortable. It is nice to have it back too. Her outfit and her carseat. Of course they smelled bad after a year in storage, so I cleaned them. What gets me though is that they seem to comfort me, yet they scare me at the same time.

I feel like I am doing okay, but I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. Shortly after I finished cleaning the first load in the washer, I looked around for Camille and thought I might have fogotten her, but I did not, I know it was just the anxiety of what I was doing. Remembering the events of the day Amberlee got hurt. Camille was safely on the toilet, haha.

I really want to move on. I want these stages to be over, everytime I turn my back I feel like I am in yet another stage that brings a flood of emotions that are impossible to control. I really miss her.

My Mother In Law was with me today, and she said that it does not get easier with time. I feel it is important to share with you what I think about this.

She is right, it does not get easier with time. However, the bad moments, sadness, grief, pain, the flooding of emotions that drag me down and threaten to overcome me...those happen less and less. They don't get easier, just fewer and farther between, and that is what makes life bearable.

The song on my blog, "Held" by Natalie Grant has a line it in that includes the phrase, "We're asking, why this happened, to those of us who have Died to Live." I think this phrase has so much meaning. This phrase sums up how we feel nearly perfectly, and Kyle agrees with me on this. We feel like we died to live, and continue to live. I want the dying to stop, the numb parts of me to rejuvenate. I want to mourn my loss, and know that one day I will be with her again, but I want it to allow me to be myself again. That is what I am praying for at least.

If you haven't listened to the song please do, and please know that it expresses how we feel, maybe even in a way that is incomprehensible to people who have not experienced the same loss as we have. It shares our anger, as well as our hope, and it gives us the faith we need in God's Plan.

I love you all.Beth

PS To listen to the song, go to the very bottom of the blog, and find the song. Double click or maybe single click on it and it will start. If you have trouble e-mail me and I will help you, if you are as desperate to hear it as I am to have you hear it.