"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Amberlee's 2nd Birthday

I will write more later, because I have no energy for it now. But today is Amberlee's 2nd Birthday. As I sit here I am imagining all of the things a 2 year old would be doing. I can imagine cute little ponytails sticking straight out. She would be walking, she would probably be running. I am sure she would tell me, "I love you, mommy!". She would be sleeping in a big girl bed, and playing with her sisters as often as she could. I don't know what kind of a child she would have been, because she left too soon for us to know. We miss her, and the loss seems so much stronger today for some reason. I wish I had a textbook to tell me what to expect over the next few years, but instead I learn from day to day. I need the strength of my friends and family, to help me through. That is one thing I have always been certain of.
Please take the time and post your thoughts, comments, love, well wishes, hugs, and memories here. They are much appreciated.
*note: to make a comment click on Words of Encouragement at the bottom of this post...and it will guide you in sharing with us.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Disneyland Part. 2

The last time I visited Disneyland was June 2007. Do the math, or simply use your memory. That was the same month that Amberlee passed away. It was a wonderful trip, but there is a certain pain that exists from remembering. I am sure that we took pictures of this trip, but we were robbed just after Amberlee died, and we have no pictures to prove we were ever there because our camera was stolen.

It is kind of neat to be able to say, that Amberlee was gone too soon, but she did get to visit Disneyland while she was here. =) I am glad we had that trip. I am bringing it up because of this.

While I was there this weekend, I had to visit the nursing room because I am a nursing mother. I did not have Riesse with me but I needed to pump for her (TMI I know). I sat down in the room, and began working and then I began sobbing. All of a sudden it hit me that the last time I was there I was there nursing Amberlee. I sobbed and sobbed, and I am sure the other mother's were wondering if I was crazy. I guess I am a bit crazy. It was special to know I sat 2 chairs away holding my sweet baby during the short time I had her, but it was sad to know I could not hold her now.

I don't run into many reminders, and usually I like to relish in them and cherish the good times. The emotions I am experience are probably a result of knowing that this weekend is her birthday. Maybe they are just regular human emotions that we try to stiffle. Whatever the reason, it is difficult. I am looking forward to her birthday celebration, but I miss her.

Often I wonder what others' think. I have received comments that I should move on. Recently someone told me to forget that my daughter died (I have never hated someone so much!). I don't feel that I dwell on her, but there is a certain time of year (March thru July) where I miss her a lot, and I feel that pain is wrapping around me. Should I really move on? Is that possible. In my heart I don't believe so, for either question. But in my mind I wonder how much of this is ok. Everyone says that their greatest fear is losing a child, and I am living it. When asked, most people believe they would simply die, and obviously I did not, so I have to live with this.

Is the path really one that I must create on my own? I truly wish that there were more people that would voice their opinion on the road I am travelling. By saying this I mean, encourage me to live with this in the most positive way. I wish people would both support my pain and encourage my strength. Why does this have to be a black or white thing? If people cannot understand, then why don't they try to learn to help and support the new life that I am living.

If you were to ask any mother that lost a child, they would tell you, "I will never be over it." I have a hole in my heart that is always there, and certain songs and memories make me feel that hurt. However, I am making something of this pain, by trying to help those that suffer it along with me. Please accept that I will never be over this. Please hug me when I cry, and ask to cry with me if you see that I need to. If you feel so inclined, please ask me to take you to visit Amberlee's resting place, and help to make light of it. Especially, share memories of her if you have them. Mostly, for those of us who have lost the most precious thing we hold, we simply want to see that we are loved, even though we will never again be the same.

Thanks again for listening.

Disneyland Part. 1

One of the biggest struggles that I've faced with the loss of my daughter, is learning to trust again. This trust does not only apply to my husband, but anyone that ever watches Riesse. I struggle to believe that anyone can care for my children as well as I can.
Some friends of mine and I decided about a year ago to go to Disneyland together in March. Well one thing led to another, and I couldn't afford to go. About 3 weeks ago I got a phone call from a friend that told me she was paying for me to go. She said that I needed to learn to leave my baby and trust my husband, and that she wanted me to seriously consider going.
It took me until 2 days before the trip to ultimately decide to go. At that point I was excited, and hopeful that the adventure would be exciting, and I would not feel the fear I so often feel leaving my child without me.
While I was gone, my husband did WAY more than I could ever expect. He took amazing care of my children. They constantly did things, and had fun together despite the fact that I was gone. This has been such a blessing, because now I feel like I can reach out and depend on him and others a little more.
I have to thank my friends for harrassing me and forcing me to go, because I had an amazing time. I hope that we will be able to do it again.
The trip was significant for another reason...but I will get into that in Disneyland Part. 2