"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Milestone: NOT Starting Kindergarten

Today Amberlee would have started Kindergarten.  I tried to avoid thinking about it while buying school supplies and clothes, and through it all I suppressed my feelings.  Then, at 7:06 am I looked at the clock, realized what today is, and I started bawling.

It is challenging having other children so excited about starting School, and I want to give them my energy, but today I couldn't because deep down I feel robbed.  I kept crying in my room and trying to hide it from the kids.  When they asked why I was crying, I said I'm not, my eyes were tearing because I am sick.  I probably shouldn't lie to them, but this is an exciting day for them, and I really don't want to take that away.

This morning seemed to become sadder and more depressing as we got ready for school.  I took the girls school pictures, w/o my angel in them (tears).  I did their hair, but not Amberlee's.  They all packed their bags, and she didn't.  Then something changed, and sadness turned somewhat happy.  As we were walking down the stairs to the car I noticed a rainbow in the most random of places.  It was reflected onto our stair rail...as if Amberlee was there with us when we left for school.

The miracles did not stop there.  Somehow I mustered the strength to keep it together most the way to school.  (HUGE miracle).  I did cry a little at Emma & Lindee's school, but they didn't notice.  As we pulled up to the school Amberlee would be starting at, Kyle's Brother and his wife were getting out of their car.  Their son is in the same class as Camille this year.  I waved them over, and I realized they might not quite understand why, but Kevin came over.  He understood right away, and he and Denise took Camille into her classroom.  CRISIS AVERTED.

I cannot express how grateful I am that they were right there at that exact moment to shield me from the pain and embarrassment of flowing tears on the first day of school.  I didn't want to explain to people.  I didn't want them to wonder.  It all went smoothly.  Miracle.

So I am sitting here listening to music and crying and typing.  Mostly avoiding life.  I long for my daughter to be here and to have started school today.  I can't imagine how she would look and I think that is the most difficult part.  I can't imagine the excitement I would feel for her, because I just don't want it to hurt thinking about all that I am missing.

I am so grateful that milestones don't come around very often at this point.  This is a huge milestone though.  The best comfort I have is that wherever Amberlee is right now, I am certain she knows more than I could ever learn in this life.  I am excited for her to teach me WHY one day.  For now, I just need to Let it be.  But if I cry a few tears along the way, I think that's ok; because my child is dead and I am spending a lifetime without knowing who she would be.  It's a LONGing that I could never explain to someone that hasn't experienced this type of pain.

My angel is with me everyday.  I see her in my children's laughter, and I feel her on every single car ride and family vacation.  I often ask the kids, is someone missing, and then I realize; ALWAYS.  I think overall, I do a pretty good job of LIVING despite the trials I face as a bereaved parent.  But today, I just want to cry.