Well this is it. The last of the large milestones, well at least for awhile. This year, on March 22nd Amberlee turned 5. The day was tumultuous. I felt the sting the day before but was blessed by a very good friend that distracted me for the better part of the day. We ate Rainbow Cupcakes, but did not do much otherwise. It was a quiet, easy peaceful day.
I am not sure where to go from here. Part of me feels that to continually blog dredges out sadness...I need to focus on so many things in my life, while living with this grief. Other parts of me realize that this blog may be helping someone. It may make someone else realize that their pain is not abnormal, that losing a child is horribly sad and life changing.
I do have to say that I am in a good place. I am not sure why, but Amberlee's death and the circumstances surrounding it do not seem as traumatizing as they once did. Now, I simply miss her. I miss having her here as I see my other children grow and I wonder where she would be. I miss having my family complete and with me. I miss her brown eyes. I have a constant longing and slight ache that I feel nearly every day. Of course I would, she is my daughter and I do not have her here. I no longer feel the need to eliminate friends that don't support my grief. At this stage I could see why they might be concerned if I were to dwell and sob constantly. Having said that, I hope they understand that I still need to remember her.
There will be days that I talk about my daughter, still. There will be day when I chose to remember, and even comment on Facebook about her. I hope that those who know me, believer that I am healing. But I will always have a place for my daughter in my life.