"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Sunday, October 16, 2011


This is very well written.  My comment on facebook says, "WOW...this article is awesome. Strangely the part about dignity resonated with me. That is what I wanted in the hospital, and somehow we did not get it in the way we wished. It's strange to be on this side of the fence...looking at everybody's worst nightmare, and knowing what it actually feels like, everyday."

What do you think? 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

If you want to understand...READ THIS

This article tells it like it is, while its hard to read it is brutally honest.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

4 Years Later

I feel like I am forgetting her.
I feel like I am losing her more.
But the memories of that day seem very real.
Is she just a picture or a photo?
I try very hard to block out the bad.
I don't want to remember the trauma.

And then, suddenly, I remember everything
and I even feel her near.
All that love and emotion come flooding back.
Her smell, her touch, her soul.
I inhale deely, because I FEEL HER in my soul.

I know she still exists.
I know she is near me.
I still love her the same.

And I can make it through...another year.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Life Changes, more

There are times in my life when I start to wonder if heaven is real. I start to wonder if all we work for in this life, leads to nowhere. What happens when we die? It quite frankly scares me beyond belief sometimes to think that one day, there might be darkness and nothing, and my family and friends won't be with me. That is a horrible and sad way to live and it has a way of bringing a person down. Why or how could we maintain such a belief? Even if that is what happened when we die, why live life in misery believing the end is really the end for our spirits?

I have struggled with these thoughts lately. And having struggled with them makes me remember the day Amberlee was dying, when I felt her little spirit speak to me and I knew without a doubt it was her. I also think of the days after she passed, when our family sat in her room and she sent each of us a message at the same time. My sister in law Amanda even received the very same message at her home, but she was not with us. How can you explain this? If Amberlee did not still exist, how can we explain that she spoke to our hearts. There are other experiences that I have had that make me believe that this life cannot be the end of our living. I just wish I could grasp that idea forever, and never lose sight of it.

Today, I got a wonderful message while watching LDS General Conference. Something I needed to hear, and it was really tailored for me and my current struggle. Simply, in the middle of a talk, President Thomas S. Monson told me
"Life beyond the grave is as real and as certain as is our life her on earth."

Those simple words will resonate with me for a long time. I hope they will heal the wounds that I have suffered while questioning life beyond the life we are living now. I am grateful today for this much needed sentence, and while I know to some extent I just want to believe those words. I also feel in my heart that they are true, and that feeling makes all the difference.

<3 Beth
For all those babies that have gone before us, and are waiting for us to one day be with them again.

"Some believe that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my baby running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is ...doing that when she looks behind, I'll already be there" anonymous

Thursday, March 10, 2011

you can't fight people unwilling to listen

I just don't understand. The first baby this year died after being forgotten and left in the car by its mother. The comments made by people in response to the article is always alarming to me.

People can't see that mistakes happen? People don't understand that a parent suffers from loss like this?

I like to compare these losses to a parent accidentally leaving the pool gate open, and a child drowns. How is it any different really? In both instances, the brain lapses...and tragedy befalls. The treatment between the 2 are much different though. If a child drowns after the gate is left open, you may initially feel anger, but usually compassion follows as you probably have done it yourself at one time.

Many parents have forgotten their child. Many of my friends told me they forgot theirs, it just wasn't at a time where the child got hurt. However, when all the circumstances connect...once a child is forgotten...a child dies.

In our case...it was one of the worst days that our basal ganglia could fail us.

Would I trade anything to go back to that day and change several circumstances...YOU BET. I can't do that though. I can't ever go back.

Amberlee would be 4 years old this month...as my heart breaks wishing she would here, remembering her, and those events. It also breaks knowing that 35 parents will suffer my same fate...this year...and the first one is just experiencing it now.

Prayers for all the babies and parents that have been lost to Hyperthemia...prayers for the people that don't understand, that maybe one day they will...prayers for those that will suffer this fate this year.

I have a lump in my throat, and just can't shake the feeling that I just can't help. I desperately wish I could.

Love you for listening.