"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Monday, March 22, 2010

Happy Birthday Amberlee!

Today is Amberlee's 3rd Birthday. I am feeling the comfort and peace this morning, and would even think she is with us. I love these feelings, which are fewer and farther between. When you lead up to a day that you know will be a nightmare, and someone is giving you the strength you need to get through. For today, the best I can share is this wonderful song by Building 429...which is true. When our world falls apart there is someone here to remind us that he will take care of us through this. Always, no matter what. In our Anger, in our Fear, in our Screaming. He brings us comfort and peace.

In ways I am truly forgetting this, as we distance ourself from the day we lost Amberlee, I feel the comfort and peace less...but today I am reminded. I am grateful for the love that is shown us in support. We are not the only people that miss this sweet baby. We are reminded of her always, and cannot wait to see her again.

Until We Meet Again sweet princess...Take care of her Dad, Take care of her Grandpa, Take care of her angels.

Monday, March 15, 2010

This Week

This week is proving to be more difficult than I remember last year being.

On Saturday, I got the blessing of seeing a video of my father for the first time ever. He died when I was 2 years old, and I have never seen him alive that I can remember. This 13 seconds was such a blessing...I wish I could describe it better.

Well that reminded me of something things.

I am now 17 weeks pregnant and on Wednesday I have an Ultrasound and Dr. Appointment. We'll get to see what we are having. That is exciting, except, when the receptionist gave me the date of the appointment I stopped dead in my tracks. She was like...are you ok...do you need a different day.

Well...Amberlee was due on March 18th...the day my father died 30 years ago. That was hard to swallow...had I only known this would be compounded by her death, I had no clue what the magnamity of the week approaching me would be like. So I find out what I am having on the 17th, and then on the 18th it will be 30 years since my father passed away. After that, on the 22nd...its Amberlee's Birthday.

Normally I celebrate her birthday and just have fun with it, and its fine. But for some reason I feel emotionally drained. I am usually pretty strong, and helpful, but for now...I am not. I am not sure we choose these things. Maybe this is worsened by the fact that my friends are not nearby. But I am not sure that that is the reason. I think this is just a lot for a person to deal with in one week.

Sure the one is exciting...but it somehow haunts me. I thought it would be so wonderful that Amberlee would be born at the same time as my Dad died. I figured it would help that day feel less daunting. But obviously, when she died, it compounded that sadness for that week.

I guess its just going to be a difficult road for this week. She would be 3 this year. Just like the song says "He would've been 3 today. I miss his smile...I miss his face." I am obviously going there. The time grows more and more distant. I used to think this would be comforting, but the more time that passes, the more distant she seems.

OK...so I am obviously pessimistic right now. I need prayers.

Love Beth