"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Disneyland Part. 2

The last time I visited Disneyland was June 2007. Do the math, or simply use your memory. That was the same month that Amberlee passed away. It was a wonderful trip, but there is a certain pain that exists from remembering. I am sure that we took pictures of this trip, but we were robbed just after Amberlee died, and we have no pictures to prove we were ever there because our camera was stolen.

It is kind of neat to be able to say, that Amberlee was gone too soon, but she did get to visit Disneyland while she was here. =) I am glad we had that trip. I am bringing it up because of this.

While I was there this weekend, I had to visit the nursing room because I am a nursing mother. I did not have Riesse with me but I needed to pump for her (TMI I know). I sat down in the room, and began working and then I began sobbing. All of a sudden it hit me that the last time I was there I was there nursing Amberlee. I sobbed and sobbed, and I am sure the other mother's were wondering if I was crazy. I guess I am a bit crazy. It was special to know I sat 2 chairs away holding my sweet baby during the short time I had her, but it was sad to know I could not hold her now.

I don't run into many reminders, and usually I like to relish in them and cherish the good times. The emotions I am experience are probably a result of knowing that this weekend is her birthday. Maybe they are just regular human emotions that we try to stiffle. Whatever the reason, it is difficult. I am looking forward to her birthday celebration, but I miss her.

Often I wonder what others' think. I have received comments that I should move on. Recently someone told me to forget that my daughter died (I have never hated someone so much!). I don't feel that I dwell on her, but there is a certain time of year (March thru July) where I miss her a lot, and I feel that pain is wrapping around me. Should I really move on? Is that possible. In my heart I don't believe so, for either question. But in my mind I wonder how much of this is ok. Everyone says that their greatest fear is losing a child, and I am living it. When asked, most people believe they would simply die, and obviously I did not, so I have to live with this.

Is the path really one that I must create on my own? I truly wish that there were more people that would voice their opinion on the road I am travelling. By saying this I mean, encourage me to live with this in the most positive way. I wish people would both support my pain and encourage my strength. Why does this have to be a black or white thing? If people cannot understand, then why don't they try to learn to help and support the new life that I am living.

If you were to ask any mother that lost a child, they would tell you, "I will never be over it." I have a hole in my heart that is always there, and certain songs and memories make me feel that hurt. However, I am making something of this pain, by trying to help those that suffer it along with me. Please accept that I will never be over this. Please hug me when I cry, and ask to cry with me if you see that I need to. If you feel so inclined, please ask me to take you to visit Amberlee's resting place, and help to make light of it. Especially, share memories of her if you have them. Mostly, for those of us who have lost the most precious thing we hold, we simply want to see that we are loved, even though we will never again be the same.

Thanks again for listening.


The Jarman Journey said...

You express your feelings so well. I am in awe of you as I read this. I don't know how it feels to lose a child, I never want to. But, I hope that I could go on just like you seem to be. You are an inspiration to many people through your example and strength. Just keeping living your life the best you know how, there is no right or wrong way.

Laura said...

I run a foundation for my friends in honor of their son that they lost in a car crash. They will never get over the loss of their son. The foundation is part of their healing - helping other families ensure their children remain safe. (http://www.kyledavidmiller.org). I have read your blog many times and my heart aches for you over your loss of your princess. You will NEVER get over this and you should never HAVE to move on. She will always be part of your life and your heart will always have a piece of itself missing.

amberlee said...

My name is also amberlee and i am 13.and when i read your blogs they brought me to tears. mainly because i lost my sister kadee when she was 12 and i was 7.although it dosnt seem like i really got to know her because she was in a vegitative state for most of my life due to a prior accident.i dont want you to feel bad for me i just want you to know that i have an idea what your going through though i wont have as much pain as you.also that your an insperation to me.