"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Deep Thoughts & Brutal Truths

I am not sure where to start, but I can tell you all this will be a long post that probably most people won't read, even though it is the one you should probably pay the most attention to if you care. So here it goes.

I am approaching my 3rd week of sadness, and I have honestly had 1 good day in that week. Until now things were looking up, but I truly feel that I am looking down a road right now, and I cannot see the end. Maybe if I just would cry about it, I could move forward...maybe I just need to do that, cry. I just really want someone to cry with...someone that I know cares deeply about what I am going through, and wants me to be happy but understands my struggle.

I understand that my friends and family want to move on, well they have moved on. Unfortunately it is not so easy for me. I just can't simply forget my struggles. They are here, not when I choose them to be, but when they want to be. I remember at the most inconvenient times, and I struggle when I don't have the time to struggle.

My thoughts lately:
I think that maybe I am so sad lately because Riesse is going through things that I never saw Amberlee go through. I am so blessed to have Riesse, but I am truly sad that I don't have Amberlee too. I did mention my current state on a website for mothers that miss their children that passed away, and many people told me the 2nd year would be one of the hardest. Ayayay, I was not prepared for this. Can you stand by my side for this year and know it is harder for me? Does anybody have the energy to give me more than they have, or are you all spent?

I am pushing my husband away, as he is pushing me away. On the surface it looks ok, but the depth is not there. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already hurts, but he is the only one that understands as well. Do you know how much that sucks! He wants me to talk to him...so I will test the waters and try, but I am afraid to talk to him.

I am trying really hard to figure out what God wants from me with all of this. What kind of a servant am I suppossed to be for him? How do I figure out exactly where he wants me and what he wants me to do with the person I am becoming?

This might sound strange but I just want to go the cemetary with a box of tissues and all my girlfriends (yes all of them) and I want to just break down and cry like I should have a long time ago, with all of them. I want to see them cry too, so I truly know that they are saddened too and they miss Amberlee too.

I am afraid that I will cry all throughout church tomorrow. I hate crying in front of people, but I am struggling so much right now that I feel there will be nothing but sobs the whole time. Does that mean I should still go? (I think I know the answer, but I have that whole problem with making others uncomfortable).

I saw a friends baby's grave the other day, and he has a headstone....We did not buy one for Amberlee. I am wondering if we should have...his was so beautiful. At the time I didn't see the importance, but I am second guessing my decision. I like her locket and her addition to her grandparents headstone, but maybe she needs a headstone just for her??? hmmm

And finally...does this blog even help. Is there a point to it, and am I succeeding in sharing a message that I hope will bless people in the long run...with understanding, empathy, knowledge of what to do with loss.

This is the most jumbled post ever I am sure...but I didn't want to make a book out of my thoughts as much as I just wanted to share them. I imagine a day in the future where my pain might be a distant memory, but my love still remains. Please pray for that day for me and my family. I know it will bless our lives at some point, but we have to put the pieces together before we can make it that far.


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