"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Sunday, August 31, 2008


I did end up going to church. Strangely after I wrote the previous post I went to sleep, and I woke up feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel better.

I believe that we need to be in church. I believe that we learn lessons there that are tailored specifically for us, and I would love to impose upon you exactly what I mean.

Re-read the post I did yesterday. It is filled with angst, depression, sadness, frustration, anger, all negative emotions...I am not saying I am cured...I am simply saying that there was a lesson for me in church. This lesson makes me rethink how I feel.

The 1st person that spoke today had a personal story she wanted to share. She said that she used to be filled with depression several years ago. She said she would cry, and that her friends and family worried about her. She was a single mother, and medication as well as therapy did not help, she was still depressed. One day an image of her Heavenly Father came into her mind. She said that he saw that she was depressed and that this made him sad to see her suffering. She said that she felt bad that God would watch over her and see her suffering much like he saw his son Jesus Christ suffering. She decided that she did not want him to feel that way, so she would make a change in her life, because ultimately she wanted to be happy and she knows that that is what her Heavenly Father wants for her too.

It is not surprising to me that someone would share such a story that has amazing similarity to my life. I find more and more that when I go to church, there is a reason, I am there to learn and be inspired. I am almost always inspired, and so I yearn to be there even when I cannot go. I am grateful for this story, because it changes my viewpoint just a little.

It is OK for me to suffer, and it is okay for me to be sad. The trials we are put here on this earth to endure are meant to teach us a better way as much as they are meant to prove that we can choose right above wrong, and ultimately live in Heaven once more. Obviously I have lost a lot and it takes time to heal the pain and make me somewhat whole again. Although I do not believe that I will ever be fully whole again, I do believe I can feel better...I can feel happier. Like the speaker in church I don't want my Heavenly Father looking down at me suffering which could cause him to suffer as well. I know he loves me...I know he is rooting for me to be happy again. That is my goal.

I feel as though I have wasted so many prayers that were sent out for me. I hope that you all know that I am trying...I don't mean to waste them...but I do rely on their strength. I truly hope that I can make the most out of this situation, and I can become a better person. It is just difficult when the sadness outweighs the happiness. I am sure we have all been here at some point.

I am looking toward more positive days, and I am hoping that you will continue to send prayers my way and my family's way. I am sorry that these posts have gotten so personal...I think they are important and crucial to understanding this sort of loss.

Thanks again for listening.

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