"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

...And yet another Stage...

So today I went to pick up the remainder of Amberlee's things from the Police Station.

As I was standing in the evidence pick-up area, I struggled. I was shaking, and rather dizzy...and I kept looking through the window while the people working seemed to wait for an unnecessary amount of time to bring the (evidence) stuff out to me.

Suddenly Amberlee's things were there. I am glad it was all in bags, because I probably would have collapsed if I had actually seen the items right away. I signed the paper, loaded up the car, and headed out still extremely dizzy, hoping breathing deeper would help me to drive more carefully. It helped that Riesse all of a sudden wanted to talk in cute little infant speak, and she lightened the mood a bit.

When I got home I slowly pulled each item out one by one. I didn't notice that the 2 most difficult pieces would be last, but I was happy that it turned out that way. Then they were out of the bag, quite literally. First was her outfit. I forgot what it looked like. It is quite adorable, pink with little white polka dots and a tiny bit of lace on the sleeves, it is comforting to have it back. Second was her carseat. I loved the carseat, with 6 children we have been through a lot, and this was always my favorite. It doesn't seem to make the babies sweat the way others do, and the handle is more comfortable. It is nice to have it back too. Her outfit and her carseat. Of course they smelled bad after a year in storage, so I cleaned them. What gets me though is that they seem to comfort me, yet they scare me at the same time.

I feel like I am doing okay, but I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. Shortly after I finished cleaning the first load in the washer, I looked around for Camille and thought I might have fogotten her, but I did not, I know it was just the anxiety of what I was doing. Remembering the events of the day Amberlee got hurt. Camille was safely on the toilet, haha.

I really want to move on. I want these stages to be over, everytime I turn my back I feel like I am in yet another stage that brings a flood of emotions that are impossible to control. I really miss her.

My Mother In Law was with me today, and she said that it does not get easier with time. I feel it is important to share with you what I think about this.

She is right, it does not get easier with time. However, the bad moments, sadness, grief, pain, the flooding of emotions that drag me down and threaten to overcome me...those happen less and less. They don't get easier, just fewer and farther between, and that is what makes life bearable.

The song on my blog, "Held" by Natalie Grant has a line it in that includes the phrase, "We're asking, why this happened, to those of us who have Died to Live." I think this phrase has so much meaning. This phrase sums up how we feel nearly perfectly, and Kyle agrees with me on this. We feel like we died to live, and continue to live. I want the dying to stop, the numb parts of me to rejuvenate. I want to mourn my loss, and know that one day I will be with her again, but I want it to allow me to be myself again. That is what I am praying for at least.

If you haven't listened to the song please do, and please know that it expresses how we feel, maybe even in a way that is incomprehensible to people who have not experienced the same loss as we have. It shares our anger, as well as our hope, and it gives us the faith we need in God's Plan.

I love you all.Beth

PS To listen to the song, go to the very bottom of the blog, and find the song. Double click or maybe single click on it and it will start. If you have trouble e-mail me and I will help you, if you are as desperate to hear it as I am to have you hear it.

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