Fever...

So...sometimes random things affect me...and today was no exception. Riesse got 4 shots yesterday, and she is running a fever, a rather high fever. I was up most of the night with her, and I have no problem being with her and taking care of her. I love giving extra attention to a sick child, I want them to feel especially loved when they are ill. However, as I was driving today it hit me. I just started crying, and I realized that I am pushing her away whenever her fever gets high. I just can't be near her until the Tylenol takes down the fever, and this is unlike me. Hmmm...

As I was driving it all clicked...My children are usually not sick and they have not had high fevers for quite sometime. This may even be the first time that one of them has had a high fever, since Amberlee's death. The last time I held a child that felt hot, was when I held Amberlee for the paramedics. Whenever I have a stimulus like this, that makes me remember, it makes me remember everything. Sometimes I remember little details that I try hard not to remember. Unfortunatly, this time made me remember a lot. I am going to try not to push Riesse away now that I realize why, but I cannot believe how aversive I am to her because of her fever. I really hate some of these emotions, and I realize they are all part of healing, I just want it to be normal again. I know it never will, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.