"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas this year.

I've been meaning to write something for the past few days. I guess the indication of me not writing, shows the mental stature that we've reached here. A lot has happened though, and I believe it all contributes to the warmth we are feeling this year.

In November we moved from Arizona to Utah. The main reason, was Amberlee. We lived in the same house, on the same street. I loved that house before she was injured and died, but afterward, I hated it. No real reason, I just felt this hatred. We searched for a awhile, and we were finally blessed to be able to move to Utah, and let me tell you...its simply perfect here.

I no longer feel the pain I felt daily in AZ. The pain must have been so constant and familiar I barely recognized it. Since we moved I am a better mother, wife, and friend. I am able to do so much more because I am not weighed down by my grief. I do miss being near her resting place, but I am happy to move forward (Not On).

This Christmas is much better than the past. We are able to enjoy it a bit. The holidays actually seem cheery. I have had days. Days where I am dragged down by the pain of missing my sweet baby, but those days are so much fewer than before. Still, I cannot predict when grief will approach and so when it does, it sucks me away for a time. However, I can recall 2 days this entire holiday season. I would say we are doing pretty well. It is still very surreal celebrating Christmas and Family without someone in our family. I am realizing that nearly everyone does this though. Nearly everyone has lost someone close to them that they love. Maybe this loss is the reason the holiday season feels so much more special. We get to celebrate those who are here, and remember those that are not. Many of the Christmas song talk about those that are near and far...and I am sure that this applies to everyone we might consider far away. They apply to anyone we do not have quick access to.

We are visiting our old home for the holidays, and I am interested to see how different it might feel. I am still grateful that by leaving it, we have found healing. We are moving forward in life, and where we go from here is hopefully up. We will never forget our baby, as we count for her every day. We often look at pictures and remember her...but the memories grow distant even still. I wonder if this isn't a blessing, creating the space we need to survive the time that will pass...

Until We Meet Again.


Jessica said...

I stumbled upon your blog this evening. I have read back to the beginning...May 2008.

I am so sorry for your loss and amazed at your strength.

Hope you don't mind but I am going to keep reading.

Congratulations on your move to Utah! I hope your move brings you wonderful memories and bright sunshiny days!

Anonymous said...

Hi Beth,

I made the visit to your blog and I want to thank you for telling me about it. The words written on here are all so beautiful and sincere. I have become very emotional as I have read about your daughter and your family. I see your strength and I am in awe at your healing process.

What a beautiful, beautiful baby girl.


Mrs. (Lindsey) Erickson

Anonymous said...

Beth (and family),

Thank you for making us a part of your Christmas plans. While our time together was short, I enjoyed every minute of it. Love you bunches,