"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Monday, January 5, 2009

I ran into this...and cried and cried!

So...I am doing well...don't worry so much. I ran into something this weekend. Most of you know I was exercising and losing weight when Amberlee died. Well, 2 days ago I was on CalorieKing.com and I was reviewing the bronze level (maybe tmi). Anyway I realized I had a blog on CalorieKing from who knows when. I decided to look it up, not knowing what would be there.

I found the following post...it is from the day before Amberlee died. The bottom section is an update I wrote this weekend. I cannot read this without being drawn to tears. It is both a blessing and a curse because I am happy to be able to look back and see that I am becoming myself again, but I am sad to realize how crappy my life became the very next day. I am sad to realize all that I have been through in these past 18 months. I am glad things are looking better, and for those of you who have also lost babies, I pray that one day you will be able to look back and see that you are making it, despite this long, desperate road we travel on.

I met my husband in college. I worked out regularly, had fun, was very active in life, but then we got married. Work took over, and the activity level after children plummeted. I want to be that person I was in college again. I don't want to lead the current example I am for my girls. I want to learn how to eat right as well as teach them the same. Hopefully if I have good habits, they will not fall into the trap that I have. Currently I have a lot of motivation. My baby is forcing me into a milk free diet because she is allergic. Cheese and chocolate are my worst vices, so without them I have added motivation to succeed. I hope I make it. If I can eat right, and exercies, maybe I can lose 2 lbs a week. If I do that, I could lose 100 lbs in a year. Fortunately I don't have that much to lose, but by the end of the year I could see real results, and learn habits that will improve my quality and quantity of life. Good luck to an active life with my children in the future!!!

Looking at this...the time in my life...it really makes me sad. My daughter that is allergic to milk died right after I wrote this. It changed everything for me and has taken 18 months to get back on track. I am excited to see that my goals are the same...but sad that she will never be here to see it again. I hope that she is watching proudly, knowing that at least in this way...I am getting back to me.

1 comment:

MK said...

It so good and hard to see yourself moving on and becoming a different person. I am glad that you are seeing that change for yourself. Just know that you are not alone, and you will neverbe the person you were "the day before". You will be new version of you.

Thinking of you often!!