"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Saturday, August 1, 2009


I thought that this was strange and I wanted to share. Of course I had to call at least a dozen people after this happened, to make sure I wasn't evil or crazy. Now that I know for sure, I can share this story with you.

A few weeks ago, a friend came to pick me up. She mentioned that another friend of mine, well her baby had drown that morning. Apparently the baby was going to be o.k., but she was in the hospital. Of course, that is where we went immediately.

I sat in the hospital room with my friend, and we talked about what happened. I could see her experiencing all the emotions I felt the day after Amberlee got hurt. It is quite frightening to witness a parent suffer such emotions. Regardless of the fact that her baby was going to be ok...she still felt the trauma of the accident.

The next morning, and even most of that evening I was very upset. I cried so much, and I was so mad and frustrated. Don't get me wrong here...I was happy for my friend...and I was really happy that her baby was ok, and there would be no lasting consequences to her near drowning. However, a horrible emotion stirred deep within me. I couldn't understand why, I couldn't understand how. How does God choose which children he will save, and which he will not? Why did someone notice her baby in time to save her? Why does my friend get to keep her baby, but I had to loose mine. She gets to hug and kiss her baby every day, and see her run and play, but mine is gone for now. Mine is only a memory, for now.

This jealousy ate at me for several days, and every time I look at her, while I am grateful that she does not have to go down this road (I would never wish that on anyone), I am extremely jealous that she is one of the lucky ones. I felt so wrong for having this emotion...I am ashamed to tell my friend, and ashamed that I feel this way. It's the truth though. This is truly the way that I feel, and I've learned to be honest with the way I feel having lost Amberlee.

I hope that this is understandable, most of my close friends that I asked said they were thinking it before I said it. They just didn't want to mention it if I didn't.

Until another time.

1 comment:

t2lynn said...

I am SOOO glad that you were there for me that day Beth. I have thought and thought about what to write here, but just the fact that you came... it meant so much to me (and Andrea). I know how much it took for you to walk into that hospital, not knowing what you were walking into.

And your feelings are perfectly natural. I felt guilty that you had to relive the hurt all over again when you heard about Andrea being in the hospital.

Everytime I hear about a child drowning now, I feel bad for all the other parents who have gone through a drowning (or other loss of a child), because I know what it feels like, and I know that once, I made other parents relive what they went through with their child...

We love you and think of you often,