I've been meaning to write something for the past few days. I guess the indication of me not writing, shows the mental stature that we've reached here. A lot has happened though, and I believe it all contributes to the warmth we are feeling this year.
In November we moved from Arizona to Utah. The main reason, was Amberlee. We lived in the same house, on the same street. I loved that house before she was injured and died, but afterward, I hated it. No real reason, I just felt this hatred. We searched for a awhile, and we were finally blessed to be able to move to Utah, and let me tell you...its simply perfect here.
I no longer feel the pain I felt daily in AZ. The pain must have been so constant and familiar I barely recognized it. Since we moved I am a better mother, wife, and friend. I am able to do so much more because I am not weighed down by my grief. I do miss being near her resting place, but I am happy to move forward (Not On).
This Christmas is much better than the past. We are able to enjoy it a bit. The holidays actually seem cheery. I have had days. Days where I am dragged down by the pain of missing my sweet baby, but those days are so much fewer than before. Still, I cannot predict when grief will approach and so when it does, it sucks me away for a time. However, I can recall 2 days this entire holiday season. I would say we are doing pretty well. It is still very surreal celebrating Christmas and Family without someone in our family. I am realizing that nearly everyone does this though. Nearly everyone has lost someone close to them that they love. Maybe this loss is the reason the holiday season feels so much more special. We get to celebrate those who are here, and remember those that are not. Many of the Christmas song talk about those that are near and far...and I am sure that this applies to everyone we might consider far away. They apply to anyone we do not have quick access to.
We are visiting our old home for the holidays, and I am interested to see how different it might feel. I am still grateful that by leaving it, we have found healing. We are moving forward in life, and where we go from here is hopefully up. We will never forget our baby, as we count for her every day. We often look at pictures and remember her...but the memories grow distant even still. I wonder if this isn't a blessing, creating the space we need to survive the time that will pass...
Until We Meet Again.
