Broken Pitcher

Angie Smith suggested on her blog that anyone suffering a loss such as this should break a pitcher and glue it back together as therapy. There is a lot of symbolism in doing this. During the week of the Anniversary of Amberlee's death I bought a pitcher. I went outside, to the exact place in the driveway that she was in when she was hurt, and I took a pitcher in a pillowcase and smashed it. At 1st I didn't hit it very hard, and got little result. The 2nd time I gave it a good smack, and it shattered. It felt awesome breaking it in that place, very rewarding. It was not very fun glueing it together. I came up with many ideas for the symbolism of the pitcher though.

1. One side does not look very bad, but the other side looks horrid. It is similiar to how people see me or how I allow them to see me now. On the surface, and from one side of me I look like I am doing well, but on another side of me...it is difficult to bear this burden.

2. The 1st pieces I put together were really challenging to find matches for. I was not sure what I was doing, or even how to do it. These pieces, once put together did not look or even feel as good as the rest. This is similiar to time since Amberlee died. The beginning was challenging and I was not sure, but I am getting used to it and trying to figure it out.

3. The handle, is broken. It did not stay together as one piece. It is no longer able to support the pitcher on its own. This could mirror my support system. It has changed...and I can no longer rely on one piece of it to keep me up.

4. I put together my pitcher 1st, and then we did another. I was able to help the other family member because of my experience. I think this is pretty self explanatory.

5. The pitcher does not seem as beautiful as it was before, but in a way it is more beautiful. It is now a work of art, and there is character that was not present before it was broken. Again, self explanatory. I am changed as well.

6. When I broke the pitcher I could not see it because it was in a pillowcase as it was shattering. It did not matter though, it shattered anyway. I had to put it back together again. I could not see as my life was shattering either, and regardless, I still have to pick up the pieces.

7. There are pieces missing, and they always will be missing...there is nothing I can do to put them back where they were before.

8. There is no 2nd chance to break the pitcher. 1 try only, and I have to figure it out from here. I will not get a 2nd chance to make this wrong right again.

9. Pieces fell apart all over my house and driveway. In a way, they left a mark, and will always be part of my home. Amberlee did too, and was there as well.

10. I feel that the vase was stronger before I broke it. The glue cannot make it better now, or ever as strong as it was. Liquid will now pour through the vase, without support. I cannot hold back my tears now. I cannot hold them as simply as before. I am weaker in some ways because of the loss I have sustained.

If you ever have to break a vase in honor of a loss in your life...I hope that it can heal you the same as it has for me. It definitely helped me to rethink some things, and to see myself in the way I am after tragedy. I am grateful to Angie for suggesting it, and I hope that she enjoys seeing my vase, as well as my repair.