"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's Been Awhile...

I know it has been a while since I have written. Most days I feel great, like I am really doing better and on the road to be my new self. Normal, if I can ever call myself that again. I realize more and more that the sense of normalcy may never again exist though. I also realize that this burden will never quite leave. That is ok...I feel it is important to find blessings from tragedy...and I am on my quest to help others that suffer this same fate.

Lately I am taking on more of the household duties. This is something I have been crippled on since Amberlee passed away. Kyle is wonderful, and he helps and picks up where I simply can not, but I feel guilty and want so bad to do better and help more. Mostly I focus on the girls, and their routine, homework, and needs, but lately I am adding dishes, laundry, and cleaning as well. This week I even began exercising in the same way I did when all of thise trauma started.

I know to the naked eye this might not seem like much. Unfortunately it is to me. It brings up memories, flashbacks, and emotions that are hard to swallow. I struggle to move forward day to day, but I know that I have to. I have to do better not only for myself, but for my family. I've eliminated the dwelling on the past aspect, but some things I cannot control.

Lately music is affecting me. A song will come on and I will be drawn to tears by a trigger in the song. Then I will remember her, and think about what she might be doing. I wonder how many people can understand this, if they have never been through such a loss. I wonder how many of my friends and family can understand that every once in awhile it feels like that pain is fresh again.

I honestly think I am doing well. Please don't believe that the negativity of this shows that I am not. I just need a little support to help me on the path right now. But isn't that what life is about. Holding a friend's hand when we know they need it. Helping people be guided toward a brighter tomorrow.

As always, thank you for your thoughts and prayers.



Jessie said...

Hi Beth. I have often thought of you and Kyle and Amberlee since the MISS Conference. It sounds like you are continuing to make those small steps back into life, as I do, and feeling the renewed grief wash over you periodically.

Like you, I have been doing great mostly, but then last week I completely broke down at work, to the point where I had to leave, because I was discussing with a co-worker one of my students whose parents punish her when she cries.

The desire to protect this two-year-old little girl somehow melded in my mind with my longing to have been able to protect Sage from the car accident that took his life. The grief was so intense. I didn't expect it to come back like that.

With care for you and Kyle, and remembering Amberlee and Sage.

Jessie Carpenter

Renee said...

I am so touched and heartbroken to read the story of your sweet Amberlee. This particular post caught my attention because it was written at the exact moment that I was checking into the hospital to deliver Evan, knowing that he would be coming home with me.
Thank you for sharing Amberlee's story. I am sad that she has left you, and I so wish I had only a few memories with my sweet baby.... and that you had the chance to make more with her.