Halloween

Holidays were so difficult last year...and I really felt that things were better...that things were not so difficult. I got ready for halloween this year and got the girls ready and thought nothing of it.

Then the day came. I was almost paralyzed with fear this morning. I did not want to get out of bed...I especially did not want to go to the girls' school to volunteer. It seems like volunteering was something I did with Amberlee. The year I was pregnant with her was my best year...I had so much fun doing it...the students even looked forward to when I would come into class and talk to them. Then I delivered Amberlee...and I was blessed to still have the energy and time allowance to go to the school, but then Amberlee was gone.

Now I feel like I don't want to volunteer at all. The school probably reminds me of her more than anything. It is exactly the same as it was when I was there pregnant with her. The same smells, the same sights...the same teachers. I can barely bear to enter the school without her...and I am not sure if I will ever get past this.

I called a friend this morning...to ask her to help me figure this out. I wanted to be there for my other children...but I couldn't muster the courage. Unfortunately my friend did not have the time this morning...it being Halloween and all...to talk in depth. You know what though...I was extremely grateful when I got to the school and right as I was exiting the car my phone rang. It was my friend. Checking up on me...and trying to help me with my decision. It meant a lot that even though she could not talk to me right then...she did call me back to make sure I was o.k.

I did make it to the school...I have no profound insight on it though, because although I enjoyed seeing my children in their classrooms and taking pictures...I feel too disconnected to actually enjoy being there. My emotions are so strong I even considered putting them in another school. I hope that time will help...but I am not sure it will. If you are praying for anything for us right now...please pray that I will one day have the strength to volunteer again. I know how much this will benefit my girls...not just them but also their education.

Thanks for travelling this road with me.

Happy Halloween!