"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Changing my tune...

The 1st couple of weeks of the Holiday Season were ok for me. NO major drama...I was excited, happy even to approach them. I felt like this year would be different and things were looking up, and then it hit me.

I put up my decorations late. I didn't put them all up last year. This year I didn't have time. The day I completed them all, I sat down to relish in the spirit and instead of pure Joy I felt something much different. Sadness encompassed me as I began to think about my sweet baby and what she is not looking at or experiencing this year. I wondered if she would be pulling on my Christmas tree, trying to touch the lights. As I tried to think that I might be mad at this I instantly realized that I want her here to do it. I want her here to break ornaments and wander around my house in awe of the changes that the Holidays bring. I want to hear her little voice, and see her smile when she looks at Santa. But I won't get this, the gift I want most of all, will not come for me in this lifetime.

Since that day the Holidays have been difficult. I try to take my anger out when I am exercising. I began jogging recently, and when it is hard to breathe and it hurts, I can push myself because I push my pain into it, and it helps. I am stuck in a conundrum though. I don't really want to celebrate because Amberlee won't be with us. However, I want to enjoy the Season for my other children.

Friends and Family have called and ask how I am doing. I tell them...o.k. and they sense something. Most of them ask what is wrong. I don't want to be rude, but I wish they could be empathetic and try to understand what I am missing. The Holidays are about family, but my family is not complete right now. We are missing one person, and it makes all the difference.

I am dreading Christmas Morning. I picture my children coming out to open their presents and get their stockings. I can see it now in my mind...all of the stockings will be hung and stuffed, all but one. Amberlee's stocking will sit all by itself, still hanging unremoved from the fireplace, empty. It seems so wrong, but this is the life that we have now. I realize there will be Joy in the upcoming Holidays...I just wish it were possible that that Joy could be more full.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. I changed the songs on my blog for the season. I heard "Where Are You Christmas" by Faith Hill the other day, and it seemed to fit the emotions that are consumming me. The song ends with hope which is where I feel I am most of the time. I am sure that one day Christmas will have the same magic it once did. Right now, I guess we are simply trying to redefine what we experience.

1 comment:

Ashley said...

I have an idea for Amberlee's stocking! It will keep it full and reached for by the whole family. Let me know if you are curious!