Tomorrow...She would be 18 months old...=(

Kyle pointed out to me on Saturday that Amberlee would be 18 months old now. Well he was slightly wrong, because that date is actually tomorrow. I was kind of frustrated that he said this. I probably would have flown by it and realized it the next day or so...once I was past the date and no longer would be as affected. Now I am sitting here...and have spent the weekend thinking about it. About her. About how much I have forgotten, and long to remember.

I looked at a picture of her, that was a different angle and realized that it caught a different glimpse of her in it. A minor detail...that means slightly more now. Its just the little details that my memory has robbed me of. They seem so precious once you have lost a child though. I guess in a way it is a blessing, because dwelling on those details is part of what stops me in life. I try to remind myself that I have forgotten some of the same details for my children that are still with me...but somehow that doesn't comfort me as much as it should. I contemplate whether I am a good mother, if I am forgetting what little time I had. Maybe this is part of the veil...that exists to allow us to focus on the things that are more important right now.

I have felt much better lately. I guess the month long sadness...last month... was something I needed. I am getting by much better now. I can only assume that today will be sad though. 18 months is one of my favorite ages. The babies start talking at that age, and they are so cute and innocent still. They can walk around, and sometimes even show affection by saying I love you. I wish Amberlee was 18 months old! I would love to see her hair longer, her cute smiles, and hear what her voice would sound like. I would love to see her comically wobble through our house, barely able to hold a toy, but still managing. I know she will be 18 months old for me one day...when I pass on and see her in my next life. Again though...this is less comforting than it sounds.

I really wish I had more pictures, or even a video. We went to Disneyland at the beginning of the month that Amberlee died in. We took her with us...so she did get to go to Disneyland & Knotts Berry Farm. I think that is such a fun fact. We have no pictures though. Some people robbed us right after her death...and they took our video camera (and all our videos) as well as our cameras which probably contained the memory card with Disneyland on it. I can remember sitting on a bench and feeding her in several locations...and people always told me she was so beautiful. Sometimes I wonder...if they knew what happened...how they would think or feel.

I still haven't stopped missing a child. Everywhere we go I count...and when I get to 5 I always begin to panic because I don't see the 6th...but then I remember...she isn't here. It is simple reminder...as if we needed one. I just wish it wasn't so often.

Hopefully I will get a chance to visit the Temple tomorrow...or even her gravesite. Both would be amazing...but time is confined betweeen the errands that must be done...and the fact that I always have another little person with me. It is a great blessing to be able to say that...I know I have been given more than I deserve.

When I go to bed tonight and say my prayers...I'll ask for more strength...as I know many of you are doing for me. I'll ask for a comforting presence to help me through. I may even ask to feel Amberlee with me for a moment...maybe for once I will see her smile back at me or even in my dreams, rather than just feel her. These moments are few and far between...I cherish every one.

Good night...till morning.
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