"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Remembering All of My Daughters

I am realizing that the weekends are when it all comes out. It must be because I am not running like crazy to get the kids or take Kelli to piano, or also because Kyle is home so I get to rest a bit. Sundays may even be the worst day of the week for me. Today I am home sick and in bed and all I can do is think of Amberlee. What she would be doing now, what she is doing now. Shelley has a grandson that was born just a few days apart from Amberlee, and sometimes I wonder if it would help to see him once in awhile to comfort my heart and bless me with the knowledge of where Amberlee would be right now. I wonder if holding him for a few minutes would help ease my pain. I am afraid it may hurt too bad as well.

There is a website I found before I made this blog, created by a Mother who feels the same pain as I do. She lost her baby the day before Riesse was born, isn't that coincidental. I know what she feels today, and I wish that I could help her through this suffering that seems lonely no matter how much support we get. On her blog she talks about going to the park with her daughters (yes she only has girls too) and wanting to shout Did you know I lost my daughter, my daughter passed away? Those aren't her exact words, but as I read them they reminded me of how I feel.

Walking through a grocery store or school I often wonder if people know, and if they knew what they would think or do. I wonder how they might treat me. Then I realize, wow, what don't I know about them. The truth is we all struggle and we all have suffering in our life. I want to shout so that people know I am there, and if there are any childless mothers that need my help and experience I can help them, and they would know because I shared my story. I am sure there are many of us out there, Mothers who have lost their sweet babies. We all go through life thinking that it doesn't happen that often, but I am sure it happens more often than we know. We live with our burdens in silence though, and knowing each other is an impossiblity because it is just not acceptable to tell people in public how we feel.

Even those who know about Amberlee try to avoid, and why wouldn't they, I try to avoid thinking of her when I have to get through a busy day, and I am her mother. It hurts when people don't want to remember though, or when they avoid talking about her. There are many times I will be in Target or Safeway, with my entire family and a couple will stop us and say, wow, you have 5 beautiful girls. Sometimes they will brag that they had all boys or all girls too. I don't mean to be rude, or to hurt their feelings but I Always tell people when they comment, we have 6 girls. Not always but once in awhile we get the question, Where is the other one? I simply tell them, she passed away.

I feel as though not telling people is avoiding that she ever existed. I feel like I am not being fair to her, and I need to tell people she was here, and we love her. Our daughters often draw family pictures in school or at home, and they draw Amberlee in them. She is part of our family, and will be forever, why would we deny her of that right and exclude her. I don't want to go through life without her, but because I must, I want everyone to remember that I have 6 girls to love and to cherish. Whether Amberlee is here right now or not, I will not move forward without her, and if I want to remember her everyday, that is ok, because she is and forever will be part of our family.

1 comment:

Elijah & Jenny Nielson said...


My heart is so full of love for you and your family. As I have read the posts up to this point, I have cried maybe more deeply than ever before and yet I am filled with awe. It's complex. I have never lost a child. But your writing and your thoughts are expressed in such a way that hits the very depths of my heart. And I want to add support to the many other friends and family that love you.

I thank you for having such courage to share your true feelings about your sweet Amberlee and the journey of your family since her passing.

I can only hope to meet her some day. She is beautiful and lovely. And I look forward to that day.

It is so late here in Michigan and I was going to bed when I began reading. I could not stop. Bless you for moving forward. I still have many more posts to read but I had to send my thoughts up to this point. May God continue to reach out to you and dear Kyle. And please know that I am thinking of, praying for and crying with you across the miles--

Jenny "Dustman" Nielson