"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Monday, June 9, 2008

Sometime I Just Want to Scream!!!!!!

Yesterday I was simply too tired to do anything. I was sitting in the rocking chair singing to Riesse and looking at the big picture of Amberlee that we had everyone sign. I was really really tired...but as I sat there looking at the picture I began to notice how many details of her face it captures. Then I realized that from where I was she looked almost life size...and as you might guess...the emotions started to flow.

Sometimes I just want to scream from the depths of my soul. I want to say...this isn't fair...why did this happen to me...isn't it enough that I lost my father when I was two. I thought that that was supposed to be my challenge in life. I want to scream that I just want to see her crawl or see her walk along the couch. Its the simple things that I will never get that make me feel and hurt so much more. I want to put a pony tail in her hair...or even to braid it...I want to kiss her nose...and make her dresses. Sometimes I feel robbed and I just want someone to scream at but there is nobody to even tell this to that would understand how deeply I feel that I want her back.

I can still remember her smell...I want to smell it again...and feel her soft hair against my neck as she sleeps on my shoulder.

I realize that I am blessed beyond anything I could ask for...and I try hard to look at those blessings and realize a day will come when I see her again. As the anniversary approaches I am finding it more difficult to be positive. I have decided that I am going to look for a piece of pottery and break it into pieces...then glue it back together. I read this in a book...and then another blog I read from a mother that lost her child...she did it after she read it...it is supposed to be healing. Breaking the pottery is a simile for all that I feel from this past year. Gluing it back together...yet still seeing it broken.. is a simile for what I will be for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wonder what I will become from this...hopefully I become stronger and I will be compassionate towards others who feel the same pain, only time will tell. Please try to bear with me through this.

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