"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

Monday, June 16, 2008


The worst part of his all is my lack of control. I am a control freak...it is so hard to deal with the inability to stop my emotions. Today...I was trying to escape in the ways that I know how...and Kyle kept telling me I needed to go the gym. Well right away I knew this was not a good day for that. But after several tries I got dressed and ready to do the gym...I even convinced myself that it would help...that is what I needed.

Well I got in the car and my eyes started to water...so I figured maybe music will help and once I am moving I'll be fine...but then I got into traffic. I just wanted to rid myself of the pain that I feel right now. A car was coming towards me and I actually thought...if I let the car hit me then I won't have to deal with this situation. I got passed that stage and told myself...that it was a stupid thought that would not actually help anything...and I moved onto stage 3 of my lack of control. As I was driving my eyes teared up more...and I looked in the mirror to see if it was obvious...but it wasn't...still ok and I can still get there.

It was then that it came out. I started to hyperventillate I was crying and I just wanted to think of someone I could talk to. I could not focus my thoughts and body were consummed by this grief that was coming now...not later. Well, I just can't go to Kyle when I feel this way...and especially after Father's Day...it only makes it worse for him. I tried to think of several people and had to dissmiss each one for several reason. But then I thought of a person...Donna...and she was actually on the way. I know that her kids wouldn't be too freaked out to see me cry...because they've seen it before. So I knocked on the door and asked for her and I walked in and hugged her and cried and cried. She couldn't understand why and she kept asking me to repeat myself...because she couldn't understand, but she did listen. It is so awesome to have friends that you can lean on when you have no feet to stand on.

I don't know if you have ever felt this way...but there are levels of crying. At this point I feel I am at the end stage if there is one. When I cry for Amberlee I feel it in my entire body. The tears drain everything from me...and I cannot stop them. They make my stomach and all of my muscles hurt...its like the depth of my being is mourning. I just miss what I am missing her do everyday...and it hurts to know that I have to finish my entire life here before I can see her sweet face again. Her smell, her laugh, her smile, her strength...all of it.

I thought that a few things about Riesse would help, but primarily I thought that always planning for the number of children would get better. I mean the setting the table, counting the children in the pool or at the park, you know making sure they are all with me and safe. It has not gotten better though. I know I have six girls. And Riesse does not make it 5 again...she makes it 6 now. So instead of counting for 5 I count for 6 and that problem was not solved as I thought it might be.

I am really trying here to appreciate my blessings...I have a million of them. I really feel like I cannot focus for this anniversary. I cannot even plan what we will do...but I know that I want it to be really special so that we can get through. A song on my blog "Homesick" has a couple of lines that come to mind...I close my eyes, and I see your face. If home is where my heart is then I'm out of place. My entire heart is not here... I feel like a fraction of who I was before...and I don't even know how to act around people. I don't even know who I am at this point.

I know this is all rambling...but I guess I am just getting it out. I am so filled with emotion I cannot even focus on one.

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